New Years rezzzzezzzz (less stupid crap/waste, more personal growth)

Well now that I discovered Fargo Library has FREE ACCESS TO ROSETTA STONE (and mango but that's slightly less revolutionary)...

1.  My first res(v)olution is to do at least 4 lessons of Hindi a day (Two via Rosetta, two via mango). 

2.  Wash my hair less.  Currently it's once a day but I can save a lot of money on shampoo/conditioner/hair dye if I cut it back to 2-3 times a week.

 

3.  10 day purchase pause on everything I want.  I have seriously spent mad cash on so much stupid stuff.  Also check the return policy first and SAVE THE RECIEPT..   No new clothes (barring socks/underwear and shoes if the old ones break)

 

4.  Be comfortable without makeup on.  Get to the point where I can go to work without it. (That's gonna be hard.) I'm crazy dependent and it's not good thing.

 

5.  Start learning Chinese.  Perfect Spanish.

 

6.  Get rid of things.  Do this by putting them in a box... If I discover I never had to dig them out of the  box in a few months... they go.

 

7.  Stop clicking on stupid articles on the internet.  Which means I probably have to stop mindlessly scrolling through my facebook newsfeed. hmm.  Maybe limit myself to checking it only one in the AM/PM/NOC. 

Listen to this song (that can be your New Years Resolution)..

dadada

At this point in my life some of my friends are married or in long-term commitments... And when I talk with them it's all sunshine and roses and when-are-you-getting married.

Talk with the other half and hear about how stupid everyone is to get married this early, and how love is ephemeral and not worth pursuing..

pur-SPECT-ive.

Heard to get smug when there's so many thousands of miles between us.  Like I won the lottery but all the money is in an offshore bank and I can't access it very often.  can I just withdraw ALL of it. please.

In other news I know a lot of people in inter-racial and/or interfaith marriages/relationships and that makes me happy.  That's what's going to eventually unite us together.

Or you know.  We could just keep fighting each other until this planet kicks the bucket.

note

Heard some pogo last  night, thought it was nice and relaxing.  But watching their music videos is (although mesmerizing in the extreme) not all that relaxing .  As evidenced by this link HERE.


However.  This one is.  Or try the other link.  (choose your own adventure). WhatEVER. I'm not the boss of you.

Or maybe I am.  Put youtube on autoplay and just lay around listening to this shiesseeee all dayyyyy.

On another note, I hate it when I mention that I haven't heard of something (Like shin chan or pogo) and people respond with extreme shock like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!?!?!?!??!"

GAH YES I'M ACTUALLY JUST JOKING YOU IDIOT.  SORRY I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD WITH BOOKS AND NOT TV SINCE MY PARENTS WERE TOO CHEAP TO BUY ONE.  SORRY SORRY SORRY LET ME OFFER YOU A PERSONALIZED APOLOGY FOR MY DISCREPANCY.

man typing in all caps gets addicting after a while.

Sofas

Man I really MISS being able to write.  I really just don't anymore and that is so sad.  Anyways I read through all my journals from college (except the last year) and dang.  I miss writing.


Here is something 3 years old.  So glad I finally found someone worth being a happy lovestruck idiot for.


Dedications

For some people love means never being alone on Valentines day, maiming hearts into trees with pocketknives. For me love is this unattainable gold pot at the end of a rainbow tangled with hints of particularly putrid shades of browns and greens, you know, like a couch from the seventies... this is for all the ugly sofas in my life, you know who you are.  This is for the the end I'm still waiting for even though I'm pretty sure it's probably a myth or at least guarded by a heavily armored leprechaun named commitment-phobia

This is for everyone who taught me what love isn’t.

For every misstep on the ladder to happiness that left me with skinned knees and metaphorically knocked out teeth and for every time I doggedly struggled my way back up. I've lived my life like a romantic sitcom, dining on cliche-ridden late nights and so many cheesy pickup lines I give thanks to Cupid every day that I'm not lactose intolerant.

This is for all the men I can't have, won't have, have had, or taste bad. This is for all the Indians who won't date me because I'm not what an arranged marriage looks like, and this is for when I told you I didn't want to marry you anyways and I think that was probably the clearest definition of sour grapes that I've ever smashed into wine. This is for your mistaken notion that you are allowed to friendzone me two days after I cook for you.

This is for the oh-em-gee preteen-style butterflies that grew legs and feet and began to brutally kick at my heart instead of flutter. Every over-dramatic, he's-so-bad-for-me and all the good advice I ignored. I still can't stomach bitterness, I front like I'm a jaded skeptic but I can never quite pass as one, I will always be the happy lovestruck idiot in the room.

I've pretended I'm not being manipulated for so long that it's started to not matter either way.  I still refuse to believe those compliments were scripted even with his teleprompter smiles still echoing through my brain like the first time I realized that all my grandmother's decorative fruit was really just plastic. My veins pulse to the tune of every lie I can't let go of, starting with when you told me you'd always be around, waiting, like your heart was just gonna lie around on a shelf with the Christmas decorations until I felt like picking it up again.

This is for hearts that refuse to give up, catch up, or shut up. This is for the delirious crash and burn I've been chasing since before you met me. This is for the one who stuck around even when I wouldn't sleep with him and just kept saying “BAM, pregnant” whenever he mentioned it.

This is for love, real and imagined. Well in my case pretty much always imagined. This is for those of us too stupid to tell the difference, rocking enough poor judgment to fill a hallmark card store. This is for mistakes and refusing to acknowledge or learn from them.

This is for the the hook line and sinker crowd.

This is for living, life, flammability, and the pursuit.

Stumble on.

Tuesday Free Stuff

I recently found a coupon for this thing called "graze".  Basically the company sends you snacks based on your taste preferences.  I was just going to use the coupon to get a free box and then quit, but when I tried to cancel my subscription they gave me another half off my next box so I'll keep the service around one more week heheheh. (Not sure if I played them, or they played me, but the snacks are good so oh well).

Check it out at graze.com (two free boxes with code AMYB96K3B)

OTHER FREE STUFF I CAN OFFER YOU.  These three things are what I use all the time while traveling.  I can't even imagine not having these apps at my beck and call.

Taxi Services:

Uber  Use this code for $15 off your first ride : amyb1731

 Lyft  Use this code for $20 (I believe) off first ride: AMY464498

ANNNND my last offer is for $20 off for travel with airbnb with this link (click through the actual link for the discount):  airbnb.com

Also this song.  Which is also free.

Because whatever like I'm chill you know

Agreed to meet up with "the dude who once broke into my house" today. The following excerpt illustrates very neatly one of the many reasons why it never would have worked out between us, before he ever sat outside my door for a half hour incessantly calling and knocking.
 
Me:  You were such an A**hole to her.

Him:  But I was never an a**hole to YOU.

This is a problem. 

You have to be kind.

You don't get to decide some people are worth kindness and others aren't.   just. be kind.  It doesn't make you a good person because you're nice to your friends (or to women you want to sleep with).  Everybody does that.

Because I do not allow mean people in my life

(edited from using stronger language, I know some of y'all are not about that life, I got you, see those asterisks?)


Anyways it was a terrible conversation and eventually I just said  "You know what, I'm going to the bathroom I hope you're gone when I get back."


BAM.  I do have nice dramatic exit lines with him.  Four years later I still got it.

People are asking me why I would even consider meeting up with him and my answer to that is as follows: because I knew it would be interesting.  And it was.  It did get old pretty fast though.  He's an arrogant pile that is convinced he thinks deeper than everyone around him, so nothing has really changed.  Makes me appreciate the man I'm with even more.

Let other people educate you

If I see ONE MORE POST about how we must "keep refugees out to keep our families safe" I will LOSE IT.

This world is an awful, cruel place.


Lets try to make it less so.


Read this:  here

Also an exerpt from this status:

"When I was a kid I used to wonder why we let the Holocaust happen. Why we refused to allow Jewish refugees to come to America. But over the years I learned. When a Kuwaiti refugee family moved in down the street from me in middle school, I heard neighbors call the father a towelhead and a sandnigger, and I discovered that people were sometimes mean to people who were different. A couple of years ago, when desperate children came streaming across the border in search of a better life, I heard people call them vermin who would bring us diseases--and I discovered that some people can look at hungry children and see a problem that's not quite a human being. 

And now, when there are Syrian refugees in one of the worst humanitarian crises I have ever seen, I am discovering that some people are letting fear rule over all common sense or love. This is the simplest case of WWJD that I have ever seen, and we are all failing it utterly. So, 10-year-old Heather, that's how we let a Holocaust happen: we look at a group of people in need and we sneer at them for being too different, we dehumanize them, and we fear the possibility that they could hurt us. By, oh, I don't know. Shooting up a movie theatre. Or an elementary school. Or a college campus. Or a government building in Oklahoma. Something like that. And then we pick and choose Bible verses and tell ourselves it's smart to defend your family from evil. We skip the ones about loving our neighbor and not living in a spirit of fear."

won't waste a day less I'm wasting away with you

Not thinking about anything in particular.  Just basking in the quiet reality of a paycheck and two consecutive days off. 

more music.

Barometer

I can measure my happiness by two things:  My nails and my dreams. 

Short nails mean stress (because I've bitten them down).  Long nails mean contentment. 

Bad dreams mean my life is going super freaking well.  Good dreams mean I'm probably going through a bad time.

My dreams balance me out in a big way.  They keep my (alleged) bipolar from getting the best of me.

Seriously when do I get to say I'm not bipolar anymore?  It's been four years. 

Well it will be on Thanksgiving when I get to celebrate my four year crazi-versary.  Hah.


Hit up this youtube channel...for-real the BEST MUSIC.  MrSuicideSleep.  Or you can just follow along as I only plan to post songs from there for the forseeable future.

Letting go of Control

This blog post: In Defense of Letting Kids Talk Back is applicable to so many areas of my life and I ain't even child-rearing yet.

It's hard to not exert your will over others, if not through outright ordering, then through coercion and manipulation. Sometimes I just really really want one of my friends to go to some event or class with me, something they're not that into but I just know would be so fun for them.

I need to work on letting other people say no and letting that be enough.

Something from the comments:  "Not allowing people to say no in everyday life is basically erasing them as people." - Speedwell.

Feel that so hard.    My parents didn't discuss.  Their word was law.  I was a bratty kid. I always complained, argued, refused.  That wasn't... um... that wasn't encouraged.

And look at me now! Refusing alcohol and drugs on the regular! (Well usually just alcohol).  There was this guy I stayed with (my first couchsurfing experience actually) and he kept insisting that he had bought wine specifically for my visit so I had to drink it.  I explained why I don't drink, I said thanks, but it will just be wasted on me since I won't enjoy it, but he would not respect that.  In the end I took a glass, waited until he left the room for a minute, then dumped it down the drain.

People like this are one giant red flag.  Which is why I need to learn to not accept this behavior from others including and especially myself. Be the friend you want to see in the world, and all that.

I keep learning more about how awesome and important consent is.  Love it.

Found this song.. Somehow reminds me of the Postal Service.

love in all caps

Sometimes people just need to be looked in the face and made to feel real.


Love the old people.  Think I get more real every day from working there.

Also currently trying to learn this dance.

Tutorial: HERE (It's only for the first minute or so of the video)

Go. Brain spew.

I stayed in the town you're supposed to leave when you graduate.  I'm still here. Surrounded by college kids, so, so, out of place.

I know it's in my power to leave.  Got excuses, but let's be serious, there's nothing real keeping me here.

Most of the people I am comfortable with have been gone for a long time.

I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I miss the hardcore talks.  What can I do?  Trust does take time to build up, or maybe it's just chance that you'll meet anyone you can give your brain to and know it won't get regurgitated up backwards.  GET ME.  Just, understand... I feel like I'm on the moon desperately sending my radio signals into the expanse of nothingness.  Hear. Me.  It's this dance when you meet new people, not unlike flirting but how long does it take to get below surface talk.    How do I take you there without making you crazy.  This is why people do drugs together.  Smoke together.  I HATE the inanities of small talk... that hasn't changed.


I used to really use getting physical as a way to get behind all the boring I-don't-know-you-yet crap.  Easy for me to realize that now that I am celibate by long distance.

Ayya he should be here making everything better.


(I should know. How to make everything better for myself. )

California never felt like Home to me

I love this blog so much: Samantha Field.  Escaping fundamentalism improved my life to the hundredth degree and it is so so so so... POWERFUL to read about another Christian that doesn't believe in Hell either.


Excerpt:

"I understand where Chelsen is coming from with this. I no longer believe in the doctrines of Original or Inherited Sin, and I do not believe that hell exists. Without those, the evangelical understanding of the Gospel evaporates rather quickly. I no longer “witness” to “the lost,” and I’m am very much unconcerned with whether or not those around me are “saved.” For the evangelical Christian, this is probably the worst form of heresy. According to many evangelicals, I have probably forsaken anything resembling Christianity."

also THIS

blowing my mind. for real.

Oh and have this song.

28

Was talking with my previous roommate and she asked me if I've ever thought about going back to school...  Basically the conversation turned into me justifying my decision to stay in Fargo and work as a CNA.

I'm happy.  I get to take vacations whenever I want, for months at a time.  How many people get to do that?  I couldn't do the five days a week, two  weeks a year off thing.  I just couldn't. 

We started talking about the summer and how worried she was that I was becoming depressed then... Honestly I had forgotten all about it.  I was sad this summer. I can't believe I forgot about that. 

So now I'm thinking too much, trying to figure out why specifically I was so out of it this summer.  Maybe because I didn't take any solo trips.  Maybe because I didn't have my own room, or because people kept canceling on me when I tried to make plans. 

Or maybe my brain is just that way.  Sends me down into the abyss sometimes.  It's okay though.  I can always see the light up there.

Hmm.  Don't know.

cactus bicycle seat.

So whenever I'm on a phone call with my boyfriend and the conversation is kinda stunted we do questions from this article: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. I definitely recommend this list to people in long distance relationships... one question usually opens up the whole conversation, we generally don't get through more than one per day.


Anyways. Today's question was "If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?"

He didn't have much to say about that.  I have mostly one thing...  I wish there would have been talks about consent.

This blog:  http://samanthapfield.com  sums it up beautifully.

"Sex should not be a “duty.” It shouldn’t be an act we feel obligated to perform for other people. It should never be manipulated or coerced. It’s hard for each woman, individually, to operate inside this system where we’re beaten down into thinking things like I have to have sex with him or he’ll leave me.

But we shouldn’t accept this status quo. As the magnificent and wonderful Nicki Minaj put it: “I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that.” That’s the attitude that should be accepted and normal. Consent is only the absolute minimum baseline, not the goal. It should be so commonplace for women to be comfortable, and happy, and trusting, and respected during sex that anything else would be as incomprehensible to us as building a bicycle seat out of a cactus."

This is the first I've heard of something called "enthusiastic consent"  which means not bare minimum okay-whatever-yeah-do-it consent (or "grudging consent").

I love Feminism. For now for always. <3 p="">
Don't have any new music for you today, sorry.

If you're looking for Capital Letters YOU'RE HOME

The Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress was magical.  SERIOUSLY good dancing.  I was on a high for two days at work when I got back.  SPEAKING of which. 

I thought it would be fun in the airport line to try and guess who just came to Colorado for the pot, but I think most of the people were there for some football game.

Colorado used to represent a place for out-doorsy people.  Now apparently it's a place for out-doorsy potheads.  I didn't meet any though, or if I did they were hiding it well.  True potheads will definitely tell you.  That they like pot.  Almost immediately.


anyways. The dancing was colossal.  And many other adjectives.  The men were sometimes too forward (less in deed than in word) but it's fun to reject people and also good mental acrobatic training.. for instance.  Is this dude worth letting down gently or is he basically a douche?  Then there's a continuum of rejection where I can either be really nice about, or totally blunt and rude.   Ball's in my court. 

For example.

Dude:  So what are my chances percentage-wise for you taking me home tonight?
Me:  Well... On a scale of 1 to I-have-a-boyfriend, I'm about a ten.  Meaning I have a boyfriend, and your chances are zero. 

AND! AND! I had already told him that I was getting kind of creeped out by some of the blunt pick up lines that night.  I told him I didn't trust any of the men there and WHAT DOES HE ASK ME.  FREAKING A. 

Man.  This is why I love my boyfriend.  He would never have gone for these cheap lines.  I don't like men who think they're smooth.  Arrogance goes hand in hand with manipulation.  I don't have time for that.

Here is a video from the congress. This man is inspiring.  Wish I would have filmed him speaking about dancing.

"What are you rehearsing for?"  Get out there and dance.

feet

Well my feet have not completely healed from LA yet (seriously if you love to dance, buy the LOWEST HEELS you can FIND), but I'm on to the Denver Salsa Congress.

So pumped.

The classes I'm taking:

Spinning Class
Latin Jazz Fussion
Afro-Colombia
Afro-Cuban Fusion
Salsa on 1
Sexy Bachata (is there any other type?)
Ladies Styling
Latin Fussion
Unbelievable Dance Patterns
Afro-Brazilian Dance
Kizomba
Afro Latin Jazz Soul Experience (Bootcamp)
Pachanga (!!!!)
Ladies Styling Bachata



AYaaaa I'm so excited.

 

How beautiful German sounds compared to other languages

ahhahahahhah love it.

Life Goals

Getting pumped for the Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress.


Also. I taught my first lesson today.  It went well.  (Just to my brother and my roommate, but still.)

round and round

Well I came back from LA.  Ostensibly I can teach salsa now (at least to beginners) but that manifests mostly as teaching drunk people at parties.  I have a lesson on Wednesday for some friends.


Speaking of parties. I went to a house party made up of almost entirely Hmong people.  Freaking fun.  Dude teaching us Tai Chi on the porch.  Good dancing.

Any time people forsake the beer pong table for the dance floor is bound to be good.

You know, because I have such low expectations for Fargo, I get pleasantly surprised by it far more often than you would think.

Well last time I posted an Omi song it got crazy big later and I felt bad because that song freaking annoys me now, but this one is still good so have at it.

There's some things I have to say, and should post about, but it will have to be later.  I just don't feel it right now.

LA LA LA

Basking in the simple simplicity of having my own room again.  It's been awhile.

SO PUMPED TO GO TO L.A.!  Time to get the heck out of here!   Also I'm in love.  Such a lottery.  I won it. HA!

Impressions:  From the calm to the chaotically manic.

People still use the N word in gas stations.

I'm so tired of seeing this "All Lives Matter" crap.  No one is yelling at breast cancer awareness advocates, insisting that they include lung cancer as well.


Anyways in Germany, students are forced to look in-depth at the Holocaust.  They have to read the Diary of Anne Frank (every year according to one German woman I talked to) in school.


What did I learn about America's past in school?  I learned that we celebrate Columbus day.  The original illegal immigrant.

We brush slavery under the rug.

We pretend that we're all equal now, with equal opportunity.

I get so tired of this.

NPR has a fantastic article on this subject  here.

Educate yourself.

Also someone called my coworker a N**** in the gas station.  It's 2105 ladies and gents.

UGH.

Here's some Kizomba music.  Heard it at the Salsa Explosion in Minneapolis.

Tristam - My Friend

Getting excited to go to LA.

Slightly concerned about dressing for the nightlife.  As I am from North Dakota.  And I've never been to LA before.


OH WELL.

Reading a Kim Jong-Il production by Paul Fischer and it is incredibly fascinating.  Anyone interested in North Korea and exactly what the heck is happening over there should take a look.  I have to wonder where the author got all his information actually.

Coming to Terms with my Status as a Drifter

With my recent purchase of an air mattress, I officially am able to fit all my possessions in my Buick '92.    Almost four years ago when I had my mental breakdown I got rid of SO MANY THINGS and then it was crazy and a symptom of mania.

But now when I do it, it's normal, and a symptom of my commitment to minimalism.


"Normal".  Huh.  Anyways my year-long no-new-clothes ban is going well.  Had to buy new shoes for work, but that's allowed.    Haven't cheated since I got a  hat and tank top from Minneapolis consignment store gina + will, which was over a month ago.    Regret the hat, but the tank top is black and simple and therefore I've been using it every weekend or so.

Two days until our two year anniversary.  More than half of that has been long-distance.

Might have to move there.  I'm so tired of the loneliness.

Have been feeling scattered, perhaps because I have been preparing to be perpetually homeless as of yesterday.  Maybe also because the majority of my heart is in Delhi and I'm here.  Or the fact that I couldn't get shifts for September and am contemplating OTHER OPTIONS. Such as moving to Minneapolis, thus breaking my heart into more chunks and attempting to transfuse into new soil / or concrete.

I regret the lack of continuity in the post.

I really don't care enough to fix it.

bring color to my skies

 We met this guy earlier in the summer at the first Salsa Explosion event and then re-met him at the second salsa explosion.  Exchanged numbers because he's clearly an awesome dancer so I'll probably see him in the future.

ANYWAYS.

He called me today.  Out of nowhere.  I really don't do phone calls, they make me vaguely uneasy, even when I'm calling a close friend (which he is not).

Talked for about an hour.  Barely know him, but after I got the I-have-a-boyfriend bombshell out of the way we had a really good talk. 

People don't do that you know?  Just call strangers (unless they're trying to get it...)

 I really don't get all that much real talk lately.



Oh and I may move to Minneapolis sometime this next month.  Time for a change.  And I wasn't able to get the days that I wanted to work.  Got six shifts where I usually get 24. 

Hmm.

Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance

I was reading a very interesting book recently:

(here it is)

Absolutely fascinating.  Had an account of a religious group that grew out of exercise and meditation (similar to Yoga, at least, that's how I understood it).  The Falun Gong or Falun Dafa.  The book talks about how the Communist party basically outlawed Falun Gong because they had so many adherents that it gave them some serious power in the country.  Lots of accounts of police brutality.  Lots of peaceful protests.

I was on a long car drive with my roommate (She's from Jiangxi Province, China) and I asked her if she knew anything about the religion.

She responds with "Oh yeah, they're crazy.  The government had to outlaw them because they kill themselves in public... They're like Muslim extremists or something."

I was shocked.  The book had said NOTHING about that. From what she was saying the religion was like some evil cult that encouraged it's members to suicide.


Anyways, it was jarring.  Cognitive Dissonance to the max.  Could probably write something about propaganda, or Communism, or government blah blah blah.. but I've been feeling dizzy and awful all day so I'm gonna skip it.

Here's a song:

Words are not Enough

The American media chooses to focus on trivialities, (not limited to, but certainly including, a dead lion named Cecil).  However, ultimately I do blame myself for not being more informed. 


Anyways.  A couple days ago I read this article on ISIS and sex-trafficking (TW: sexual assault).

Isis Enshrines a Theology of Rape


Awful doesn't cover it.  It is so absolutely f**ked up that sex, this beautiful, wonderful thing, can be corrupted and used as a tool of destruction and hate.  SICK SICK SICK.


Some of this is being combated by a man named Steve Maman, who is buying these women (and in some cases, children) from ISIS to give them back their lives.

Read that story here:  A Canadian Businessman Inspired by Oskar Schindler Is Buying Back Christians and Yazidis Captured by Islamic State .


I don't donate anything. Ever.  I am always too worried about corrupt charities, and ultimately I always decide its better to just give nothing.  That has to change.  I believe in this man.  I have to donate to his cause.  Please consider supporting him as well.

http://www.gofundme.com/liberationCYCI

There must be something in the water

will write this week.

Would Wrestle God to Kiss Your Smile

We went to Washington D.C. last weekend to go see our friend who has been interning in the Library of Congress.

Whilst there, we went to an art gallery called The Fridge for a street sticker expo.  You know those little stickers that  post offices give out for labeling?  You could (if one were so inclined)  make art on them and stick them up in public places.  There were also some actual stickers, printed and ordered. 

rich people

“Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

- Donald J. Trump


This article though:  Frank Reynolds or Donald Trump

clutter, must-read, must-hear

is it true that your mind is sometimes like a battering ram running all through the city, shouting so madly inside and out about the ten thousand things that do not matter? –Hafiz 


Can I simplify my mind the same way I simplify my wardrobe?   Trying to pair my clothing down to only basics, get rid of everything extraneous.

Like meditation for my clothing. 

I never actually meditate.  I swim in a sea of distractions so I won't ever have to be alone with myself.  Wake up, cook/shower/call boyfriend/ finish making my Hindi vocab flashcards for the week/ blog / donate some clothes / get started on my massive to-do list/bike/ 8 hours of work (studying on my breaks) / bike home/ chit chat with roommates, read until I fall asleep.

WHICH BY THE WAY I am reading an extremely interesting book involving cognitive dissonance, corrupt politicians, corrupt researchers, and other things that I love.  We we lie to ourselves. How we justify our own hypocrisy.   Also I think it might be fixing my writers block somehow. 

 

Polish Girl - Neon Indian

class of '10

So I went back Home (?) last weekend, ostensibly for a class reunion.  Our little dinky informal five-year potluck thingy. 

If you know me at all you know that high school was the black pit for me.  I listened to emo music 24-7 and spend most of my time alone in my room.  I was... unpopular. To put it lightly.  I recall a particularly unflattering comment made about me being "Yeah I'd f*** her, but only if she had a bag over her face so I didn't have to see it".


I have dreams about high school.  Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life to impress "Those People".  And I feel weird about this.  I want to let go of the bitterness, and move on.


So I went back.

Awkward. Awkward. So awkward.  I have NOTHING in common with them.  (Except for one girl that I ran into who I used to be close with and still really admire and respect).


When I was in a situation where I needed to mingle and try to talk to people I panicked.  I didn't know what to say. 

I felt myself regressing back to former self status.  Uncomfortable in a way that I haven't felt in five years. 

Those are not my people.

Why did I subject myself to that?  I'm glad it's done. I'm glad I'm back in Fargo with the people I trust, the people I can say anything to, the people who do not judge me.  I could taste the relief when I finally made it to my apartment.


I forget how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.  They are so much more.  I should have brought them with me,  but I felt like this was something I needed to go do alone.

There is the bustling metropolis of Mott ND looming in the foreground.

Thought I Was Blind Before I Met You

Cover of Bright Eyes -  First Day of My Life, by Cole Strombeck.   Make this guy famous.

Headphones Recommended

Never, ever laugh at beginners.

You have no idea how much of a setback it can be to be too embarrassed to even practice something.

I have this friend, super awesome friend, who happens to be really un-confident at dancing.  He gets out there and has fun with us,  I never noticed anything particularly awful about how he dances.

Last time we all went out, there were two girls just laughing and laughing at him while he was dancing.  


He's done. That's it. No more dancing.  That is so awful to even think about considering all the joy dancing can bring a person.

I used to teach English and believe me I would NEVER laugh at a foreigner's pronunciation.  Just correct them and move on.  There is such a difference in how people will approach you depending on whether they think they can learn and share with you or be ridiculed by you. Such. A. Difference.

 GAH.  It takes so much to learn a new skill, to put yourself into something you don't know much about.  DON'T LAUGH AT BEGINNERS.


Rules for life.

 Dream of Something Sweet - K 391  ft Cory Friesenhan

Three Things.

There was an old lady with perfect skin.  Glowed like a goddess.  Smile like a sunrise, need the darkest of tinted windows/glasses to dim that.  When they asked her how her skin was so perfect at 90+ years, she just flashed this gorgeous smile and said,

"Love Everybody".

(Well, sometimes she chalked it up to good moisturizing practices, but you can tell why I usually don't emphasize that part)


 And then you have the Ottertail River in Minnesota. Famous party spot, where people float down on inner-tubes with coolers of beer.


Where my friend got called a chink.  (Am I even allowed to type that word, it looks dirty as hell.)

Where I called someone a c*nt to their face for the very first time.

(Ask yourself if the second c-word looks so much more shocking, and why is that?)


Yes racial slurs are alive and well in rural America.

It just hurts to see it coming from my generation.

Also just so you know, if one of YOUR drunken friends ever uses a racial/homophobic/misogynistic slur in your presence, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

You apologize for their bad behavior.  Don't say, "Oh he's just super drunk."  Say I am sorry for what he said to you.

And maybe consider getting better friends.


Well. Time for me to rid my body of disappointment and anger and go get ready to help some old people.


My instructor and I salsa dancing to San Holo's remix of Next Episode by Dr. Dre...

LB CA Future.

So I have made the executive decision to attend a three day program in Long Beach California, to become a salsa instructor.  (LINK HERE) It's only three days which SEEMS like it won't be long enough.  They also have a three month program for salsa intensive training, which I may want to do in the future.  (Kinda scared about spending the money for three months of living in Long Beach.  Maybe I could find a job there?)


I would love to find a dancing partner to perform with, but I do worry about jealousy issues... I mean you have to dance with the same person and find chemistry on the daily.


SO! As a solution I have decided to only seek out gay men for partners.  That way my boyfriend won't get jealous, and will feel comfortable with my future-of-dance.  DanceFuture. 


AHHH I WANNA TEACH DANCE. 

 One of my (sort of very confused, but very awesome) old ladies gave me a huge pep talk the other night, she just looked right at me and said, "Look I know I'm too old to be your  mentor... I wish I was younger... but you have to realize that you are going to do great things.  And I know you don't believe you can do it, but you CAN, and you need to get out there and DO THINGS.



So I just bought this three day course thing.  And I think I will also do the three month course within the next two years at some point.

Oh and I'm performing at the nursing home next weekend too. woooooh.

Music:

Am I Waiting To Break?

Maybe this has already hit the radios, not sure.


But probably not in Fargo.

over and over and over again

FIRST:

New music:

Hmmmm well not much is happening.  Been working.  Starting to be around old people so much that I feel like I am one. 

I hold a lot of tension and I get angry easily.  Well I hope that's only true for lately, and not for always.  How can I just... just not get pissed off?

It's like I'm constantly in go-mode.  I can't remember the last time I was just sitting there, nothing to do.   And if something stops me I freak out.


Is that healthy?  I'm too busy to find out.  I always thought that I feel better the more productive I am. 

Actually considering going on an internet fast.  The problem is there are certain things I feel like I need the internet for (such as checking windspeed before I bike to work so I know how early I need to leave).  Then after checking the weather I get sucked in to a vortex of clickbaits.

I want to simplify my life.

On a different note:

If you're not using airbnb you should be.   Aaaaaand please let me know if you do as I can give you some money off your first stay. We stayed in this crazy aging hippie's wagon.  Awesome.

 The wagon is lined with books.  Found Hafiz poetry.  Was happy.

 There was cognac... apparently it lasted through like 60 guests, but then the last guest just decided to drink it all hahahaha. none left for us.

caravan

The time of judging
Who is drunk or sober,
Who is right and who is wrong,
Who is closer to god, and who is farther away,
All that is over.

This caravan is led instead by a great delight,
The simple joy that sits with us now.

That is the grace.


–Hafiz

Anyone who doesn't like Parenthesis may Leave

Yesterday I had a bonfire (is it still a bonfire if it's freakin' tiny? unclear.) for my birthday.

Anyways my friend who is a Reiki healer had us write things on pieces of paper and then burn them.

Things we want to let go of.

Like tarot card readings, I find myself analyzing, trying to look inward and see, (Does it help? Does it work? /////////) on and on and on.

I very rarely give myself up to anything.  I can't just feel it.

My parents are deeply suspicious of anything "hippy".  I'm not suspicious. Maybe skeptical.

I want to be able to cleanse myself of anything dragging me down, the things that cause me to doubt my self-worth.

Do I believe that I can?

I guess the answer is maybe, so then it follows that the answer is really

(no.)



----
also: a song.

San Holo (Saint Hologram?)

Taking the 365 challenge ( I just made that title up)


WHICH MEANS! For one full year, I will not buy any new clothes. 


IF I absolutely NEED to buy something, I will buy it from a thrift store.

But I shouldn't need anything.


and

GO!


oh here's a song:

Cut from the Manifesto

So by now (at least if you're in America) you've heard about this Josh Duggar thing.    Got sucked in to the wild web again, researching women who have left the fundamentalist Christian movement:

Consent vs. Purity Culture:  http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2015/05/josh-duggar-and-the-tale-of-two-boxes.html

FANTASTIC BLOG IN GENERAL:  https://defeatingthedragons.wordpress.com/


Had a family thing yesterday.  My cousin gave a devotional about how we need to seek wisdom by following God.  Then she prayed over us, while my mom had her arms around me, and the whole time I'm just thinking:


How am I going to do this.


I am not following this path anymore.  My boyfriend is from a Hindu/Atheist hybrid family and I'm just... I'm  just not.  I'm not teaching this to my children.  

I'm not teaching them that they have some special knowledge that makes them better than other people.

I'm not teaching them that only their Christian friends are going to heaven, and the rest must burn in Hell because they were taught something else.

 If I talk for long enough with my parents it always comes back to religion.  We argue.  My dad told me not to have children.  Casually.

I stayed quiet at that.  If my mom would have said that I would have freaked out on her.  I remember when my dad and I used to fight and fight, and I guess subconsciously I don't want to return to that.

It's stupid  to assume that my marriage will fail because it's  not with a Christian.  Considering the divorce rate in America I'm incredibly better off with an Indian.

My mom has this idea that everyone "chooses" whether or not to believe in Jesus.  I find this ridiculous.

Religion is a learned behavior. So so so many of my friends are Hindu.  As are their parents, grandparents and so on.  (Basically the Hindu form of my family, actually).   We believe what makes sense to us.  We can't force ourselves to believe something that doesn't make sense.  I can't suddenly start believing that I am in the midst of a zombie apocalypse any more than any of my Hindu friends can start believing that their lives will be better with Jesus.  My mom tried to convert my former roommate Tanvi once.  Tanvi just said she wasn't interested, but I think it would have been funny if she turned around and told her about Hinduism for hours and hours.

Christians will not entertain other belief systems.


I have this huge thing written up about this, but it's kind of all over the place.  It helped me get my thoughts together though.  I should make a powerpoint to present to my family.  ick.

FY

Rumi (trans. by Coleman Barks)


Everytime I feel awful, I read from The Big Red Book.  Perfection.

UDC

Ridiculous how much I find myself learning once I actually am done with university and can get into what I'm really interested in.

• Learn/Relearn what I've forgotten about  Hindi (have a lesson this Friday)
• Improve my Spanish (uhhhhh been lazy on that one).
• Learn how to lead Salsa (On1 for now, On2's gonna be a challenge)
• Become an Intermediate Hip Hop Dancer BECAAAAAUSE (DRUMROLL)

My friend and I (or at LEAST I, considering I've rarely been able to get at people for travel commitments)

are going to Urban Dance Camp Summer 2016.

Pumped.

It's in Lörrach, Germany and HELLA expensive, but I think I need this.  yuh. I've decided not to travel anywhere unless I can dance on the regular in a studio.  (Or salsa congresses/ whate')

except at work

I will love you no matter  how many mistakes I make when
trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.

I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce
and as the dark spot loves the leopard,
as the leech loves the ankle of a wader
and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship,
and the passengers love the lifeboat
and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale,
and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

I never want to be away from you again,
except at work, in the restroom or when one of us
is at a movie the other does not want to see

-Lemony Snicket
The Beatrice Letters

So.

All I've been doing is listening to these sleazy reggaeton/dembow songs.  Good times.

I just wanna dance..  Been thinking of possibly pursuing my dream of becoming an instructor (okay that's a relatively new dream...).

I would love to teach dance.

Solo Pienso en Ti

Sanskrit has ninety-six words for love; ancient Persian has eighty, Greek three, and English only one. This is indicative of the poverty of awareness or emphasis that we give to that tremendously important realm of feeling.

Eskimos have thirty words for snow, because it is a life-and death matter to them to have exact information about the element they live with so intimately.

If we had a vocabulary of thirty words for love … we would immediately be richer and more intelligent in this human element so close to our heart.

An Eskimo probably would die of clumsiness if he had only one word for snow; we are close to dying of loneliness because we have only one word for love.

Of all the Western languages, English may be the most lacking when it come to feeling.

-Robert Johnson
The Fisher King and the Handless Maiden

I'm sorry about the default thumbnail for this video.  I promise there's no butts in this video.  I don't know how to change it.

 

Minimal

Well..

Been quite busy so haven't  had much of a...

Wait.

Complete lies.


I have not been busy.

I have been SICK.

NASTY headache, sore throat, etc.

There's a show tonight at the Nestor, and the Zombie Pub Crawl on Saturday, but I have no idea if I can attend, as come Sunday, I'm on some 5-days-in-a-row-workweek scheiße.

Hmm anyways... When I DO feel better if that ever happens, I'm hoping to look into some serious minimalism.

I love it.  Get rid of material possessions.   Too sick to expound on that right now.

Have some links:

10 Things I Gained When I Gave Up All My Stuff
Getting Rid of Just-in-Case Items
Letting Go of Sentimental Items

Okay I better go sleep. Peace

VAGUE TO THE POINT OF COMPLETE GRAY

Sometimes swearing is necessary.  It's how I convey great anger or importance.  But I've always felt that I'm not allowed to swear on this blog, since people who have me on facebook (possibly family members) read it.


I don't like that. Feels like a trap.  Something holds me back from being sincere.  I care too much about what my family thinks of me.

Okay so maybe I just like to swear, regardless of any "great anger or importance".  

Also I feel like I can't talk about certain things that have happened in my past.

Sometimes the things I say become so vague it's almost pointless to say them at all.

Like now for instance.


It bothers me that I never write poetry anymore.  Been reading some of my old stuff, and I can barely recognize the woman that wrote it.

Gah who the hell am I anymore?


Something from April 2014:

regardless of the length of the chain, strength of
the fence

I had to see if your dog was a biter.

there were warning signs in
my second language:

Teeth Filed, Regrown
Daily

No Snarl Until Hungry

on pain as a teacher:
avoiding scars is
skipping class.

My hands outstretched, ready
for the gold-star bruises

of perfect attendance

---

I think I'm  in an apathetic state that discourages poetry.  Also the above poem is ... meh.  So I wasn't that good at poetry when I was writing. Maybe it's for the best.

Around Santo Domingo

Leaving tomorrow.  Wouldn't have missed this last weekend for anything.

Here's some odds and ends I haven't posted.

 El Conde in the rainy night.

my family :)

I'm like, No, not really..

So in love with the nightlife in Santo Domingo.

Perfect mix of reggaeton, edm, 80's jams and top hits.  Also, if I feel the need I can go find Salsa/Bachata/Merengue as well.


Everyone danced last night.  So. Much. Fun.

Until 4 AM.

Heard this song and went up to the closest dude singing along and made him tell me what it was.  Like I'ma be physically ill if I'm not able to  blast this song 30 times in a row when I wake up tomorrow.

Omi & Felix Jaehn - Cheerleader (Praia Del Sol and Renca Remix)

esta caballero

Pin Pun - Lapiz Conciente

THE CHORUS.
When I walk home.  Whoever is walking behind me.

Will always be able to tell when the bass kicks in.

DANNNG tonight, after all the dopamine from four hours of hardcore exercise, I was literally dancing my way home.  So happy.

 _________________________________________________________________________

What we speak
becomes the house
we live in.
Who will want
to sleep in your bed
if the roof leaks
right above it?

Fear is the
cheapest room
in the house,
I would like
to see you living
in better conditions.

There is only one reason
we have followed God
into this world:
to encourage laughter,
freedom,
dance and love ....

God and I are rushing
from every corner of
existence,
needing to say
we are yours.

The sun never says
to the earth,
even after all this time
“you owe me”.

I once asked a bird
how is it that you
fly in this gravity
of darkness?
she responded,
love lifts me.

I should not make
any promises right now
but I know if you pray
somewhere in this world
something good
will happen.


–Hafiz
 

mi amor

Soon begins my last week in Santo Domingo.

I want to stay, take my dancing to the next level...

They have a free dembow zembow (twerking essentials) lesson in the park (Plaza Guibia at 6:15ish) Monday-Friday, but I didn't realize that till 2+ weeks in.

MEHHHHH

Half of my conversations are like this:  Them: Why did you come here?  Me:  In my city, it's very cold, with no dancing.  So I leave whenever I have money.

(Only in Spanish)

Much of the cat-calling here is, "PSSSSST" PSSSST", as if they're trying to get your attention to tell you a secret.  Then if you ignore them they don't usually pursue any further conversation.  But today I decided to respond to someone with "PSSST" as well.  We had a short chat in morse code until I was out of hearing range.

We went to some beach, near Las Salinas.  We went to a salt mine, where they extract it from the ocean.  Huge piles of salt laying everywhere.  Also sand dunes. Also beach.

SO HOT.

 Virgin beach at the end, which means you can't swim there.

 self-explanatory

Salt mines/factory.

 The pools are different colors based on whether the salt is ready to come out.  Unclear on when that is, because as always our nanny explains things in Spanish and sometimes I don't catch it all.

MMMM. ocean.  With Prince Royce in the speakers.