new!

Goodbye 2013.  You were more than good to me.

This year I:

1.  Traveled alone to Korea and Thailand. (+Jeju and Koh Phi Phi)
2.  Danced on stages in both places.
3.  Got certified to teach English in Thailand.
4.  Enrolled in my last semester of University.
5.  Bought plane tickets to Europe.
6.  Lost weight.
7.  Gained Weight.
8.  Ate the equivalent of 3 tons of seaweed.
9. Danced.
10. Wrote.
11.  Fell in love.
12.  Met amazing, amazing people.

and most importantly..... (drumrolllllll)

Learned to NOT GIVE A FLYING @#$%& what people think of me! BaZINGA.

walking the streets alone thinking of you til dawn

ch ch ch chaaaanges

One day you're all, "I'm so happy being single, I'd be fine never getting married" and thinking about traveling the world and how awesome life is without a boyfriend/husband to boss you around.

And then you're in an apparently long-term and very long-distance relationship that your parents don't approve of.

Dag, yo.


Also have you ever heard of Pomskies? They're half Pomeranian, half Husky.  Friggin' adorable.

So cute. So, so, so cute.

Your thoughts still bring flowers for my brain

The sunshine is still here, just... reflected back.  I am the moon tasting of the sun in the nighttime.  The past distorts, shines brighter, cuts deeper, gives off radiation so strong my hair falls out.  Everything grows back, eventually, but sobriety is a far cry from dawndrunk and I am still waiting for sunrise.  I am a starfish cut in half.  Half of me takes a plane to New Jersey. Half stays here.  I cook half of what I would be cooking, I drive my car half as much.  You are out there living the rest of what I should have.  You go out.  I work.   I go out.  You look for work.  I search for a window back to you.  The internet connection is slow and I think of turtles and weddings and a steady income to raise two children on.  I wait.  See you soon is a drastic overstatement.  I will see you.  That is all.

love

what is this? what what what.
so beautiful.   Rumi is always beautiful.  always contemplating changing my religion to rejoicing Sufism.

----------------

A spirit that lives in this world
and does not wear the shirt of love,
such an existence is a deep disgrace.
Be foolishly in love,
because love is all there is.

There is no way into presence
except through a love exchange.
If someone asks, But what is love?
answer, Dissolving the will.

True freedom comes to those
who have escaped the questions
of freewill and fate.
Love is an emperor.
The two worlds play across him.
He barely notices their tumbling game.

Love and lover live in eternity.
Other desires are substitutes
for that way of being.
How long do you lay embracing a corpse?
Love rather the soul, which cannot be held.

Anything born in spring dies in the fall,
but love is not seasonal.
With wine pressed from grapes,
expect a hangover.
But this love path has no expectations.

You are uneasy riding the body?
Dismount. Travel lighter.
Wings will be given.
Be clear like a mirror
reflecting nothing.

Be clean of pictures and the worry
that comes with images.
Gaze into what is not ashamed
or afraid of any truth.
Contain all human faces in your own
without any judgment of them.

Be pure emptiness.
What is inside that? you ask.
Silence is all I can say.
Lovers have some secrets
That they keep.

—Rumi

come back

come back and fix everything.

------

chaos soup

my thoughts don’t seem to press well together, now a dirty tangle of threads instead of the once-bright tapestry.  I can’t think what picture must be woven, the one so clear to me a week ago today is dim as dreams, thick fog, impenetrable.  (I was somewhere else) or Soon, I will find myself waking up, shaking sweating and relieved.  I will pour myself into your arms.   “I had the worst dream....”  Reality will be blinding us, sunrise through picture windows.  This will not happen.  The only present-tense that weakens my eyesight is darkness. I feel my way through four hundred days, scrape my shin on five hundred and seventy six thousand minutes, the miles an impossible maze between us.  The time, moreso. This is not anguish.  This is dull, confused, gray-skies ache.   Your “I love you” feels more like a bruise than a promise.  I am becoming far too skilled at goodbye poetry.

this will make you cry

well, maybe... if you're in the right mood..

http://zenpencils.com/comic/128-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists-advice/

snow

Just got my first smartphone EVARRRR, a going away present from my boyfriend (it's his old iphone).  I spend all day googling "best free apps"  and just generally wasting time under the pretense of "this will get my life organized."

It's pretty magical.  And time-consuming.

Here is something very disjointed, perhaps you will like it. (Not sure if I do yet, but feel the need to post something of substance.

Open

I’ve been meaning to ask you
whatever happened to your
picture window heart?

such a bold move
everyone thought you were
crazy

all that glass

there are too many stone-throwers 
too many blunt objects

you were the bravest one
no bars, no gate

the fresh air always came in
through spiderweb cracks

you were the opposite of claustrophobic
the sky poured in and
you inhaled everything

chased bruises
caught them and wore them
as heavy clothing
that could get you through
the winter

oh ohhhh somebody loves you

Jugni Ji

This song is Just. So. Catchy.

Jugni is a female firefly.

Negative experiences are good for my poetry.  So I suppose I should be happy right now.

ldr

I need to ask you something serious.

Okay

Can we do this?

Do you wanna beat the odds?

organ donor

someday

a group of scientists will
spill the contents
of my heart

out onto a white table

pick through them,
examine everything thoroughly
with
white-gloved
fingertips

and still find
only
you.

-------------------------------------------------

Creative writing class is about to start. I have to read my poems to the class.  Ugh. This needs to be over.

Delhi

My boyfriend is moving back to India.  Permanently, for all intents and purposes.  Just found this out, and he's leaving in less than 2 weeks.


Finally found a decent guy, (okay more than decent, he approaches perfection) and he's leaving.  At least I graduate this May, so I could conceivably go anywhere...


I've got a lonely 2014 ahead of me.  blergh.

We were

The only ones in the hookah bar yelling "SHAKIRA!! GIVE US SHAKIRA!!!" when the music stopped for a few minutes.

Also the only ones dancing.

That's how it always is, no matter where in the world I end up.

Ya habibi

Contrary to popular belief I am not eternally happy.  The funniest is at work when I'm having a really awful day and one of the old people will suddenly say "My YOU'RE the happy one tonight!"  because I have the tendency to whistle and smile at everyone.  Apparently my fake smiles are very convincing.


hmm hmm hmmm I feel very stagnant.  Something needs to change.

Maybe I just really need a dance party.  Also this video is stupid but I like the song so that's that.

Social Skills 101

BRAGGING IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA


ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

(okay unless you're writing a resume)

There are so many more interesting things to say.  Funny things.  Stupid things.  Clap your hands and bark like a seal for all I care (actually half the time that might even be your best option).

Your parents are the only people who benefit from hearing about your achievements.  As social skills go, this is something you should master.

The mouth that bites

I always wonder about couples who are constantly crabbing at each other. Do they act like that when they are alone?  I want to avoid that rut.

Why do I always think that I will be able to maintain a better relationship than my parents can/could?

Timing is pretty crucial I guess.  All my relationships have lasted less than a year, so clearly I'm not the expert.

So this is a series of haikus I wrote for my creative writing class.  As usual, the title disappoints me but oh well.

trust

do not be afraid
to starve the mouth that bites you
keep your limbs intact

do not feed the wolves
elbows and fists are weapons
that you might not need

treat fear as a guest
that has overstayed all your
hospitality

when you cannot run
from the clawings of monsters
then you must bite back

things I don't care about

"being successful" has no appeal to me.  I don't understand people who want to make it big, to become rich.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to selling things.  Marketing is the last thing I'd ever do.

My friend/acquaintance is trying to sell me on something called vemma or something like that and it's just so strange.  It's a terrible thing to make money by taking it from other people in exchange for things they don't need and probably never even thought about before you got in their faces with advertisements and glowing testimonials.

Vemma sells things. That's all I caught from what he was telling me. I think it's the kind of thing where you convince other people to sell it too, and then you make money off them as well.  He really really really wants to talk to me about it on campus tomorrow though so I guess I'll know more then.

Why not get a job that actually provides a needed service? gah.   I won't go so far as to say I hate people who chase success, it just mostly creeps me out.

Also there's a crazy cheap travel deal if you're thinking of going to Europe, or you're traveling between countries over there:  norwegian.com.

Got my round trip ticket to Denmark.. about 600 dollars :D. Of course, now I have to get to New York City anyways so I don't know how much money I really saved haha.

terms and conditions

do you accept these terms and conditions?

I should have made you
sign a contract

I promise this won’t mean
anything

not even if I’m sober
not even on swingsets at midnight
river walks during floodstage

I promise you I won’t read between
the out-loud

I promise you I won’t give you my best
“let’s still be friends”
like an excuse
a bone thrown to the
most undernourished of dogs

(don’t treat me like
someone who needs
the pleasant lies of
anesthesia

this is not a disguise for
pain)

this is indifference
and we can have it
too

promise

---
hmmm hmmmmm reading through some of my older poetry and it is VEH HEH HERRY interesting how I used to feel about certain things.

It bothers me that I don't even remember who I was talking about at certain points.

sometimes the rain is easier to trust than whatever half assed sincerity you’re trying to sell tonight.  what could be less complicated than two hydrogens and an oxygen? Science is honesty.  You? More unpredictable than lightning, and I never stay in the same place long enough to get struck twice.  You’re out.

I can only guess who that was about.

saltwater

it took decades
to sharpen your spine
into something that
doesn’t crack on the
high notes

now surrounded by
 eight octaves of pain
through the crescendo of a
phone call

(her daughter is in a coma, it would not be
prudent to
even
visit
stay home
they say

stay
home)

you don’t abandon ship,
leave her to cry alone

you don’t even
flinch

----
I have only developed a few immunities.  It's mostly that I wince.  I wince and I try not to let anyone see that things still hit me hard, even after being in this job for over half a decade.  I believe in the power of back rubs. I hold hands with old ladies (and old men for that matter) because being alone is shitty.  Falling asleep by yourself, alone, can be downright awful, especially when you aren't completely sure how long you are going to be around, or who might be there in the morning to help you get up.

Also everyone should watch the netflix original drama "Derek".  That show is golden.

hashtag clearly attached

man I really missed the early AM's.  Nothing I'd rather be doing than discussing heaven and hell on the kitchen floor with near strangers and not strangers.

We threw a party.

I miss good talks. So tired of gossip. on and on and on. I need to really really really just talk to someone.  Will make that happen this week.

I feel a bit stagnant.  Oh well, that can't last forever.  Either I get bored enough to take drastic measures, or I just hold out until I leave for Europe.  (Less than a year!)  I don't even particularly want to go there if I can't get Tomorrowland tickets, but I'm sort of locked in to backpack throughout the whole place with my friend. Oh well, it will be fun, even if its not my first choice travel destination.

(Will I be single then?  Do I need to know at this point?)

I can barely imagine having a good reason to not be with him.  Man. being single.  I used to be so comfortable with it, but I don't know how I could transition back to that.

 

Rise Up

It's a crying shame that I have never been in a fight. I am freaking TWENTY ONE years old. At this point it's almost getting embarrassing.  I'm taking a self defense class this month though, so maybe I'll have the guts to take on a street harasser next time I'm downtown.  I've been reading a lot of comic books lately (Avengers, X-men and Deadpool if you cared to know), which is maybe why I feel like I should be fighting someone in ... hand to hand combat!

Let me feel your heart be going crazy

Did some art this weekend, not quite finished yet, but will post.

everything is still perfect... Still waiting for something to unbalance me.

will we cross or be aligned?

had to delete these poems. thinking of entering them in a contest
---

I'm writing cheesy things much too often because I am a teenage-girl in February.  Hopeless.

open your eyes

"What if the magnificence of who we are was no longer held captive by the fear of decision? Between two choices, whichever choice you make will be the right one made. The path you are on, you cannot fall off no matter how hard you try. So call this the year of no mistakes. The year of the heavy sword, but stronger hands. The year where we are no longer stuck in the street but found somewhere between the asphalt and the moon. Inside a sheath of arrows turning itself into wind. 

-Anis Mojgani
_______________________________________________

A golden oldie from way back in the day when I was first getting into music.

hum.

gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous

 The problem with being at the top of the mountain is you can only go down.  The view literally cannot get better for me right now... not without a total loss of control (but now I'm just being obscure).  I would tell anyone the details of my "troubled past" (as he calls it)  but I am so hesitant to put it out there on the internet.

Things are really freaking good and this just can't last.  What kinda sorcery would let me be this happy forever?

Reading this article http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/27-survivors-of-sexual-assault-quoting-the-people-who-attack makes me want to fucking cry.  I did cry.

Here's the video if you aren't into reading / looking at pictures.

Resiliency is a powerful thing.  I can only pray that I never have to be strong in this way.

dewaana

Everything has been going right for me.  My 2 PM class got canceled today, I got the good list at work, and I am supremely happy in essentially all areas of my life.


Do you think by being happy you somehow generate good luck for yourself?  Why are all these good things happening to me?


I have the next four days off. Time to make something happen.

have some music!

parachute

I'm so into this dude.  I don't know what to do with this level of vulnerability.  I don't even recognize my brain right now.  ayeeee! bring it on, life!  I am happy to throw some dice with you!

The song is Roll Right Over by Eye Alaska in case this gets deleted like the first time I posted it.

the farthest thing from poison

half of moving on is knowing you will. Once the possibility exists in your mind, the rest is comparatively easy.  I believe in the impermanence of everything, especially sadness. It’s what's kept me alive through the winters. Ice and ice and ice and ice, even snowblind I still believe in sun. I have a postal-service commitment to waking up every morning until I no longer have to force myself. Until the sun ignites my the fog in my veins.  Until my skies are cleared for takeoff.


--

Hope is knowing I will always always always achieve happiness again,  no matter the situation in the meantime.

My roommate's birthday was this Saturday.  So here's the most chill Chinese song that I have ever heard.

What Does the Fox Say?

I have to write a 4-6 page piece of nonfiction for my creative writing class.

Was thinking of doing a series of vignettes on my old people (working at a nursing home blah blah blah etc.) but she specified that there HAD TO BE A PLOT which kinda shoots that down.

Other option: write about my skeletons, write about going crazy.  (and have people know this about me.)  I made this mistake last year in poetry class, first poem had to be a personal poem.  She read mine in front of the whole class, and I understood  on a very deep level the word "mortification".

I could write about Thailand but that just feels like bragging.

I could write about men.  But that is just too overdone.  And given current circumstances, also looks a lot like bragging.

meh.  Might just skip class Tuesday and stay home and hash it out.

speaking of being happy, speaking of men, speaking of beautiful moments that songs remind me about....

I know... you already know this one... but this blog is for me not for you.

I don't know if you've heard of Ylvis, but you will have soon, so allow me to introduce you if you haven't already met. One of the few songs that my roommate will dance to without being forced which marks it as a very worthy song indeed.

everything is up in the air crazy
watching things wide-eyed to see where they will land

anything I do changes everything, the whole course of things and I am a blindfolded child.  Lashing out at a rat-poison filled pinata.  What do I do?

standing at the edge of this abyss screaming

I DON'T KNOW.

stutter

I guess I need to ask myself whether I care what people think of me.  And the unfortunate answer is yes, yes, and hell yes.

There are some people who are trying to live well, be happy, and not screw anyone over in the process.

And then there are some people who employ a vicious fascination with other people's lives.  I'm scared of these ones.  Like mad dogs.  When do you get old enough to lose your fangs?  My life is not meat.  I wish I was strong enough to bite back.

I feel so off-balance and helpless. Like everything is just happening to me and I can't even react in a meaningful way.

I'm still these nervous feet and heart of stone

I miss Thailand less and less... The one thing is the dancing.  If I was walking down the street in Fargo, heard music, and started busting it... I would get locked up most likely.  But in Thailand? Heck naw.  I could dance wherever/whenever, and there was always someone who would join me.

and oh, the ocean.  Except invariably when I wanted to stand at the edge and watch the waves late at night, someone would ALWAYS ALWAYS come and insist on trying to make small talk.  I had no patience for it.

 I should take a meditation class or two.  No one would come up and make small talk with me if I was in deep meditation in my room.  hopefully.

I'm sort of really into a dude.  I cooked for him which I rarely do, even for myself. eee! crazy.

hum

I spent the first

two decades of my life

trying to guess the meaning of

“home”

I won’t spend the next chapter

trying to escape

wherever

whenever

whoever

I rain on into the refraction-after

into the shine that comes only when

the thunder’s washed everything deaf

I tarnish myself through

the kinds of situations I’m later told

I should have avoided

bruise me selfless

polish my exterior

with your diamond knives

I only get softer

pain breeds wakefulness

I dream through all shades of

daylight

-

wrote this a while ago. I am so numb right now. Need to remember how to live wildly and I really really just wanna ditch this place. escape.

"Why are you single?"

It's the million dollar question isn't it?  Truth be told, I don't trust anyone enough for a cage. I don't think I ever could. I want to run when I feel like it.  I want the option to purchase plane tickets on a whim and just go. Anywhere. I don't want to have to check in with someone, to constantly call, text, skype, etc.  I want to be my own person.

andddd the fact that there are like a MILLION hot new Brazilian students at my university might be having an effect on my lovelife choices too.

back to normal life

Conversation with one of the old ladies at my nursing home:

Her:  What do they call toilet paper in Thailand?

Me: Well... they call it toilet paper....I guess.

Her:  I bet they call it butt-wipe!

(laughs uncontrollably)

Me:

(laughs uncontrollably)

---

I freakin' love my job.

(what are you waiting for?)

Me: "Well  in five years if we're both still single, we should get married so you can get American citizenship."

Him:  "That's a good idea, thanks Amy"

-------------------------------------------------------
my shoulderblades have

sharpened

then softened

now the most reckless

of vulnerabilities

I have 

broken-glass battle scars

from

dancing barefoot in dirty streets

drunk off the

wind in my veins

since the day I 

killed the past with

sunlight

WOAHHHH I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW IT BUT YOU'RE FINE SO FINE

It's six AM and I can't sleep.  Jet laggin' like none other.  Transitioning back to the U.S. hasn't been so hard yet.  I have missed some things in the past two months.  Mostly people, but the fact that I can dance without paying exorbitant prices for drinks is a nice little bonus.  In Thailand I often got kicked out of bars because I wanted to dance without buying anything.

I no longer feel like I've left the past behind.  Fargo is full of people that know too many personal things about me.  Eek, I wanna get out again.  Cue the obsessive internet searches for plane tickets.

Was talking to my brother, and apparently my parents were so worried about me while I was gone that they were losing sleep.   This makes me feel kind of awful, although it wouldn't have changed anything had I known. This is something I had to do. Why worry about something you have no power over? It must have something to do with having kids. I remain every joyful about my lack of uterus-spawn.

Besides, Patong is full of cops.  No one there wants to mess up their source of income (tourists).  I always felt safe, even walking home in the early AM, alone.

On my last day, I met a Thai taxi driver who was impressed with my (very limited) grasp on the Thai language.  I wanted to cross the street and traffic was pretty bad, so he had me take his arm, and  walked me very slowly across the street (with a huge line of cars zooming toward us) while humming the wedding march.  That sort of comical openness to strangers is something I will miss.   I suspect it would have been even better in the non-touristy parts of Thailand (although the language barrier would be terrible).  

Fun fact: There is no road rage in Thailand. They are crazy/dangerous drivers, sure. But they don't get angry if you are in their way/driving too slow/whatever.  They simply slow down, or try to get around you.   Fargo traffic seems absurdly tame, as if every car is driven by a very careful, very ponderous old lady.

I will go back. Not to Patong, but definitely to Bangkok, Chiang Mai, and some of the tropical islands.  I so wish I could sleep right now. ugh.

Teaching English

After teaching my class yesterday, my instructor/observer told me he couldn't find any mistakes in my teaching process.  So I'm insanely proud of myself right now, and so, so happy..  I think I want to teach English in Japan. Of course, I'm basing this solely off the fact that my Japanese students I taught last week are so crazyawesome.

I love teaching.  I always thought maybe I'd be bad at it, but now that I know I'll do fine, the world is my freakin' oyster.

Every other night here is a going away party as we all slowly drift homewards or on to new travels.  I leave Sunday.  Can't wait to be back, can't stand to leave.

Part of a sample lesson plan : (the fun, drawing part)

 Koh Phi Phi!  Paradise

I love watching the sunset in Patong... everywhere else it seems so violent, but here it's golden and soft.  All the little mermaid babies (i.e. children) frolic in the waves and it may be the most picturesque thing I've seen.

bust it

favorite favorite favorite Japanese dude in the whole world.
This kid is one crazy dancer.  If you are coming to Patong Beach, Thailand, I highly recommend the Banana Discotheque.  Spent an amazing couple of hours here.

I think I remember that I loved to dance in high school, but I don't think it was an obsession like it is now...  Nobody in Mott ever really danced, some did (poorly) if they were drunk.   I don't know how I learned to dance while growing up without a tv set, surrounded by non-dancing friends.

“When I dance, I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole, that is why I dance."

-Hans Bos

paradise

I only have one week left in Thailand.  Everything has been perfect.  The people I've met, the places I've been, my students, my fellow teachers.  I have danced on the beaches of a tropical island, on the dirty Bangla road, in backstreet bars with Thais who have no customers since it's the tourist off season.  I've gotten into dance-offs in the rain, and taught fire-dancers and waiters how to swing-dance.  I hit clubs with my crazy Japanese students, and sang/screamed so hard that my voice didn't come back for days.   I have gotten into the strangest of conversations on subjects ranging from dreams to other universes to quantum physics.  I have walked the beach late nights with the best people. I have laughed harder than I would have thought possible.  Oh and I'm almost certified to teach English.

There is so much shit in my past that I've been trying to escape.
Think I finally half-managed it :)

from always and forever to never again in less than a blink

“Don’t trust your choices, run when you get sore. Eager for the next chapter, still stuck in the one before. You could turn this city into a new town, as long as you find someone new to be around.”

-Micheal Larsen

I'm my own unfinished business

I’m overwhelmed and under-glazed
I’m making vases out of snakes
I’m a kiln half-full of mistakes
When kneading it, air’s overlooked
It’s gonna crack when it gets cooked
So self-forgiveness is the key
They’re re-sculpting my sanity
Mindfulness, humility
And taking time to care for me

-The Uncluded

gold-painted lemons

Please put your shoes on and step into that warm weather.

Go get yourself a more better forever.

Gotta put it down, you gotta leave it,

And don't ever come back again; You gotta mean it.

Just tear it all apart and build new,

Cause' if you don't kill him he's gonna kill you.

You can't hold hands when they make fists,

And I ain't the first to say this but,

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

-Slug

Limbo

went to Phi Phi this weekend.  The island culture is so laid back and chill.  The Thai natives are awesome, (I taught a fire-dancer how to swing-dance!) The beaches are cinematic... all white sand and turquoise water. I wish I had pictures to show you, but I'm going back next weekend and won't be so stupid as to leave my camera at home this time. I heard this song there, and kept screaming at my Spanish friend to tell me the lyrics,  somehow I still managed to find it despite only writing down "caliente" and "calor".

I haven't done my lesson plan for today, but I'm not teaching till the afternoon so I'll just work on it during other people's teaching sessions and during my prep session and lunch break. :/ cutting it close...

Notoriety

“That is the simple secret of happiness. Whatever you are doing, don’t let past move your mind; don’t let future disturb you. Because the past is no more, and the future is not yet. To live in the memories, to live in the imagination, is to live in the non-existential. And when you are living in the non-existential, you are missing that which is existential. Naturally you will be miserable, because you will miss your whole life.”
-Osho


--------------
I got into a dance-off with a Thai native. Then it started raining like crazy and we were the only two people in the street, (much less dancing) while everyone huddled around in bars trying to stay dry... Then my Colombian friend came out to dance with us (she's dipping me, here)

One by one, more people joined us, till it was this crazy rain-dance party. Amazing.

“forgive them. forgive yourself.
.
it was never love
.
love doesn’t cripple. it doesn’t taunt or torture the tongue. love doesn’t have you bent at the waist but forgetting to pray. bleeding like an oak tree. it doesn’t have you sleeping with the lights on, or hiding from any surface clear and shiny enough to see yourself in.
.
it was never love darling.
.
i am sorry"

— najma-idil
_____________

After a while, being alone in a foreign country gets exhausting.  I feel like I need someone I can trust in close proximity to me.  I wonder if it's the same for men... obviously the world just isn't as dangerous for them.  Why would they need anyone "safe" around them?

After hanging out with my Desi friends I kept accidentally speaking Hindi to everyone.  They say I speak it like I've been living in India for five years but eh.. think I'm gonna have to call b.s. on that.  Mostly because I understand about 3% or less when Indians speak Hindi.

zoo

her voice is cream over
coffee, made unbitter
carefully palatable
eyes, twin snake-bites
the most unfortunate of
harsh beauties

do not touch
do not feed

her teeth are the greediness
of bear traps,
she is lonely enough
to never let go.

I met someone who is so much like someone I used to know, that in essence I feel like I've met the same person again.

Now I feel like I get a second chance to  not fail at this friendship.

Have You Ever Been to Heaven at Night?

This is the first time in a very long time that I am able to say I am living in the here and now.  I've been so hung up on my past, on the people who think poorly of me, the mistakes I've made... I spent a good chunk of my life constantly reassuring myself that "eventually" I will be happy, satisfied, and start traveling.

Even in Korea, there was an undercurrent in my head "Thailand Thailand Thailand it will be better in Thailand".

 I'm here. I mean, mentally.  I'm exactly where I should be.  The past seems so far away, detritus washing up on a whole other continent.

I have class every weekday, and then I go out with my classmates at night.  All together we are from 8 different countries (possibly nine, now I'm losing track).  It's only the third day of class and I'm already starting to feel really comfortable with these people.

I'll probably never live on the beach for a month again. So it begins.

pourquoi tu gâches ta vie?

When I am in Fargo, my stomping-ground, I am more than ready to take on any problem that life might throw at me.  I can think it through, develop a plan of attack, then execute it.

Here, in Thailand, where I don't know anyone, I am pretty much a flustered wreck.  I couldn't find my airport pick-up, so I just went with some random taxi driver, and I didn't have any small bills so I paid him WAYY too much, and instead of giving me change he just went "hee-hee!" and put my money away delightedly.

Later he asked for a tip, to which I said, "nuh-uh I gave you way too much already," thereby making myself look like a complete jerk of an American to my guesthouse manager.

Well. I'm here, I guess that's the main thing.  I think this will be good for me, as long as I don't get lost. I should also probably write my address in Thai and keep that with me.

I want to go out and dance tonight SO BAD but I'm by myself... and... I have class tomorrow. Better not.

if you wanna listen to the French version it's called "Elle ma dit"

tonight's the night, amirite?

Welcome to Seoul, South Korea.  Where everybody drinks and few to none dance.  Basically the antithesis of who I am as a person.

 I have never seen a country  more in need of ecstasy tablets.  When someone DOES make an effort to bust it I am inclined to yell WOOOOOH like the obnoxious American that I am and start applauding them vigorously.

How can you not dance when the bass is so loud your veins get confused?  Most of the club-goers move about the same as I do on a crowded subway when my headphones are serving me up something particularly rousing.  A bob of the head.  A bit of foot-tapping.

I hope Thailand has less shy people.

I can't imagine it could possibly have more.

Ghost limbs

So tell me why we're talking when we dance so good?
And I know you can't stay but I wish you would.

It's always you. Remember when you turned me down and I was so so so mad, because anyone that dances with me that way can't throw me an "I have a girlfriend" so casual-apologetic.

I still wanna know why you were so happy to see me half a year later.  I still wonder why we were never really friends.  You seem like someone who I would want to be friends with.  Regardless of whatever other women are in the picture, we should have been friends.

things I like number 34: sentence fragments

Just read the second Bridge Jones Diary book, and have become paranoid that I too will end up in jail in Thailand because someone planted cocaine on me.   Must stay away from guys named Jed.  Also, mushrooms.

I must be in the mood for mindless entertainment because helloooooo Clueless, the bimbo beach blonde ninety's classic! Something to braindead myself with.

Although.  I already feel braindead so perhaps this isn't needed.

I haven't been able to write anything aesthetically pleasing in a long time.  Worries me.  I worry about my creativivity beasts like I assume I'd worry about my children.  They may have wandered off and gotten killed or eaten.  Or maybe they will just be lost for an indefinite amount of time.  Time for desperate measures.  After all, you can notify the police after 24 hours.  They've been gone for weeks.


I AM IN KOREA WHY CAN'T I WRITE PRETTY THINGS.  I'd settle for ugly things.

Made this on the flight here.  Wrong kind of beast.  But nice.

.

"cry out into the darkness the sermon that doesn’t cease.  You cannot be abandoned, you can only be released."

-d.b.

I will make MYSELF a sandwich in the glorious kitchen of "I don't need no man"

A Facts Sheet:  Aggressively Single
Alternative Title: why I won't date you.

In High School I:

• had a job as a Certified Nurses Assistant
• did my own laundry
• bought my own clothes
• did my own taxes

When I started college, I received no financial help from my parents.  I still don't.  Also, my family doesn't really do presents.  Gum, sometimes. Or when my brother made me Indian street vendor food for my birthday.

THUS

When it comes time to win my heart, you cannot do so by spending money on me.  I will become paranoid that you are trying to force me to become dependent on you so that I can't leave, addicted to the things that you buy for me.

I do not intend to relinquish my independence, not for a very long time.  Men that try to do things for me freak me out.

If I'm being honest, men with money in general freak me out.

I like being single.  I like traveling, and being able to do whatever I want without "checking in" with someone all the time.  

I mean, come on, I'm freaking YOUNG.  Still almost a year away from even being twenty-two, not to mention my passport doesn't expire for almost a decade.    

Accept that I want to belong to myself. 

Sorry for the rant. Actually, not sorry. That's what blogs are for.

also here is a good song.  

Cold

“if you deserve
honey
mine will flow from my arms to yours
no effort, no asking.
but, if there is none
and
you feel wind instead,
know
that my spirit already
knows that
when you see sweetness
you
begin harvesting blades in your hands.”

-nayyirah waheed  (kindness is a form of intelligence)

escape often has nothing to do with geography

"No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”
-Alice Sebold

(but regardless I've been thanking the ones who have tried since the day I clawed my way out)

Korail

The thing about old people on the subway is I'm never going to not smile at them.  And when this adorable Korean gramma is falling asleep beside me and keeps adjusting herself so she won't fall into me, I just want to put my arm around her and tell her everything will be okay.

But the only useful phrase I know in Korean is "I don't speak Korean" and besides I have a feeling this might be a somewhat impolite thing to do.
---------------------------------------
This is the view from my apartment :

I'm double-posting on here and my tumblr. Oh well.

All Right

I swear Seoul, South Korea is the safest place on the entire planet.  Where else can you walk through an alleyway in a miniskirt at 4 AM and receive ZERO catcalls?  I've gotten catcalls in Fargo wearing nothing more revealing than jeans and a t-shirt.

Kinda destroys your whole "her clothes were provoking him" argument.  There appears to be no rape culture here. It's very freaking relaxing.

What isn't very relaxing is feeling like I always have to be dressed like a fashionable human being.  I can no longer dress like a complete slob.  I felt way too out of place today on the subway.   Then again, I also feel much too fat to dress like the average woman here...  Tomorrow I'm going to the rich people district (The one Psy sang about in Gangnam Style).

This song is the most relaxing thing I've ever heard, and that's about enough hyperbole for the day. Goodnight.

soul

I am in Seoul, South Korea! Just ate some octopus with my old roommate and her mom! I am so tired.

 gorgeous sunrise when I was about to fly out

I need some white out to fix this... but it's a gift for my host here.  I made it the night before I flew out and finished it on the flights today. (or yesterday with the time change.)

-------------------------

Make no mistake I intend to kill the past with the bright sword of the here and now.  It has become very clear that I am the only priest capable of exorcising that bitter-hearted demon.

When considering alcohol, I look to Jesus

There are so few people who have ever seen me drink, (it's sort of my "thing," sobriety) but some nights with that cheap five dollar wine, I do.  Sometimes there are people worth getting dizzy for.  I believe that.  I wonder if any women were allowed to drink with Jesus.

My head feels heavy enough to let me fall asleep effortlessly.  In less than thirty hours I'll be on an airplane.

good good good.  Cooked some awesome quinoa burgers with beautiful people.  Fun fact: Yellowtail Moscato is only 5 dollars a bottle and it is FLAT OUT DELICIOUS.   Hence why I am not completely sober right now.


good thoughts, all over the place, goodnight.

all limbs and love, absurd

you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

-Warsan Shire

In less than three days I'll be in Seoul Korea, with one of my favorite ladies on this planet...

I spent my afternoon biting back obscenities if you must know.

President Obama: makes a joke about killing the Jonas Brothers with drones.

Here's a nice quote too:

"TBIJ reports that from June 2004 through mid-September 2012, available data indicate that drone strikes killed 2,562 - 3,325 people in Pakistan, of whom 474 - 881 were civilians, including 176 children. TBIJ reports that these strikes also injured an additional 1,228 - 1,362 individuals," according to the Stanford/NYU study.

Based on interviews with witnesses, victims and experts, the report accuses the CIA of "double-striking" a target, moments after the initial hit, thereby killing first responders.

Read the whole article Here.

This is why I voted Ron Paul.  This is why when I travel abroad this summer, I refuse to wear the camouflage National Guard backpack my dad offered to me for a carry-on.  The word America is no longer beautiful the way I believed it was when my kindergarten class faced the flag with "I pledge allegiance..."  I am not proud of our government.  I am not proud of what we are doing to other countries.

Yes, "we".  The American public who elected this monster a second time...

I haven't been into politics since "that thing which happened" (read: personal issues).  Man.  I forgot how much anger I used to carry to this.  I've been sitting at home listening to music and looking at random nonsense for the past year and a half.  I nearly forgot about our crappy government.

Midnight Run

THIS SONG

There are people who find the the truth boring.

Me,  I caught honesty like an addiction to the rarest of drugs.  I've been frequenting alleyways looking for a fellow junkie since my first night doing lines of sincerity with you in the back corner when we were still strangers.  Clear eyes, clean hearts.  The crash back into reality, to deceitfulness and calculated smiles nearly killed me.

I've been living in the withdrawals.

----

I like drug metaphors but I don't know that much about drugs so (cliches).  oh well.

Rain mixed with sunrise.

Here's the thing about gossip and why I don't like it. It's like I was out dancing in the rain for three hours and you're telling everyone I broke into the pool to swim when (let's get real here) I haven't been near a public swimming facility in years. I'm ashamed that misplaced verbosity can make me feel anything, even anger.

Even if I could separate out the ruthless from the ones who just don't care, I'd still be left wondering whether there was any fundamental difference between the two.

It's raining and I wish I was outside wandering the streets of Fargo for an unbiased shoulder to rant to instead of sitting on the kitchen floor trying to write things.


----

oh mannn tonight killed my writer's block. good.  I don't care about pain and betrayal if it gives me something to pour into the ink.

good.

(wrote this at 5-6 AM but forgot to post it so posting it now)

doing it right.

Friday night means dancing.  Can't be mad about Fargo's sub-par dancing scene because in Iran dancing is illegal.  You gotta lock your doors for that business.

I no longer believe in spontaneous combustion. You want your world on fire, gotta strike that match yourself.  This is the summer of gasoline.

also this video. IS. my favorite. that is all.

it's not too late, we have the rest of our lives

The places we escape to
eventually become
the places we escape
from

you told me
I will be the same person
wherever I go,
my soul caged up
in the same body
regardless of
which constellations light up my
eyes

clipped wings
still
dreaming of

flight

and here it is.  When “thank you” trips over “I’m sorry”, I think I finally learned the concept of trust, but it seems to be too late.  I want to beg you to forget the last 3 hours.  I don’t know anything.  I know too much.  I wish I could get back some naivety, something to make me less scared of missteps.  To be able to say “I didn't know” and mean it, and have that be a good enough excuse.  A pat on the head and a dismissal to the treehouse.  please stop pretending I am an adult.

I want you to know that I appreciate your efforts to make it all better for me.

There is one person on this entire planet that I'm not "cool" with.  I wish I could change that.   All the time, all the time, all the time.  I hate to see him.    The most stressful thing in my life.  Why can't we just be chill?

Scratch that, Where is my apology.

Then, maybe.  We could be chill.

I am unhappy tonight.  Shadows.

yeh.

Conversation at work with an old man

Him:  How old do you think I am?
Me: I don't know... 25?
Him: (laughs)  I'm ninety eight
Me: WOW, well then you're doing pretty good!
Him:  Yup, my wife and I have been married for sixty-nine years.
Me:  ... how old do you think I am?
Him:  (stares me up and down) Twenties?
Me:  Yup I'm 21.
Him:  So you're not married hmm?
Me: Heck no.  I call that 'The Trap'
Him:  (laughs delightedly)


---------

so decided to take a 2 AM trip to Detroit Lakes with  my friend... but ten minutes out of Fargo he says, "hey have you ever been to Buffalo State Park?"  and I was thinking the stars would  be amazing so I begged him to take me there instead.

And I was right, the stars were phenomenal to the point where I could not stop smiling.  The weather was perfect.  No wind, very few mosquitoes, and warm enough with the blanket I brought.  Glad I didn't just go to bed like I had intended.
---
“In fact, I am aware of the fake entities in my life.
I know that I can clear
them if I wanted to in a moment …
But all this hollowness needs my sincerity.”

-Rumi

Communion

Refusing to dance is like a bird refusing to fly.  Never understood why you feel the need to pretend you are a penguin instead of a falcon, but this is Respect Your Feet 101 and tonight you are going to realize why the word “move” was invented in the first place.  Don’t let your wings regress to shoulderblades, dormancy (from the Latin root dormire, meaning to sleep) is the one thing you must never accept from yourself. Wake up.  Lose sleep, lose your inhibitions, but never lose your rhythm.  All horizontal surfaces are renamed dance floors until further notice.   I swear I fall half in love every time the bass kicks in.

The dance floor is my temple, the DJ is my priest, and this?

This is my altar call so don’t make me beg you.

Bust it.

----

Wanna be my chammak challo?  

I was dancing some Bhangra moves downtown (at a club that does not play Hindi music, I might add) last night, and some random dude says to my back, "Zumba!"

I turn around and say, "naw man.. Indians!"

I realize now that he was probably confused.   hashtag don't care. hashtag dancing completely sober.  hashtag born drunk so have no need for alcohol.