map

one night when I asked you where you wanted to go, you said “everywhere”.  I remember that always.  For me, it’s the same. Sometimes I hope the world will be small enough to spill us back together.   Sometimes I know it won’t be.  When goodnight is finally goodbye, I will wish you with all my heart,

safe journeys.

"do you remember the night I told you
I’ve never seen anything more perfect
than snow falling in the glow of a street light
electricity bowing to nature
mind bowing to heartbeat
this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy
I think of happy when I think of you

so wherever you are I hope you’re happy
I really do
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life
I hope there’s a kite in your hand
that’s flying all the way up to Orion
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out
I hope you’re smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
cause I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I’m still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you’d never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best”

-Andrea Gibson (excerpt, Photograph)

head in the clouds, but my gravity's centered

well I turned 21 yesterday.  Sang some terrible karaoke (because I think that is the only thing that goes on downtown on a monday night).  Didn't really drink, at least, I'm not hungover so I assume I wasn't very drunk (isn't that how it's supposed to work?)
the bottom line is, Fargo's bars give you free popcorn.   WHY have I never heard about this?  I could have just bought a fake id and been LIVING ON FREE POPCORN for the past 3 years!  I guess they figure you will buy enough alcohol to offset the cost.  nope.  I guarantee to you, if I go downtown again, I am going with no money.  And I am going to feast on popcorn and peanuts. 

Some guy at Rooter's was like "I was going to buy her a drink but she doesn't look like she needs it." and I just turn to him with "dude, this is what I look like sober.  You wanna see me drunk you'll have to spike the water."

The best was singing along when someone did Hey Jude on Karaoke.  And Champagne Supernova.  annnnnnnnnd again at the end of the night when I made everyone listen to Sweater Weather, and Yannick digs it as much as I do so I didn't even feel bad for the way I force people to hear it all the time. 

The people I love, the people I trust, almost all of them were there last night.  The best ones of the best ones.  I can't believe how lucky I am to have friends like this. 

Last year I didn't even celebrate my birthday.  Things have changed so much, so fast since then..

I am right where I need to be.  The here and now is beautiful and the future looks even better.  Thank you.

Says he's gonna teach me just what fast is

I feel like there was a time in my life when I tried to get into Lana Del Rey but (maybe that was Bat for Lashes?)

Anyways this thing just goes round and round in  my head.

round and round and round...
---
you know usually
I can forget men,
I can forget them
fast, express-mailed
amnesia, neither snow nor
sleet

for every natural disaster that
began with a sunrise
there is a deep calm where I
keep myself
after

spidercaught in my headweb

you are either better
than the rest, or far, far
worse.

(and you'd better be alone)

Why does this song relax me so much?   why why why why why (kyu).
This is the kind of stuff I used to listen to.

 I need more.

When I meet someone and they ask me what kind of music I like, I find it very hard to answer.  It's like being psychoanalyzed, everyone is going to think they know you.

NO ONE CAN KNOW YOU. It's impossible. Even if you tried to give them yourself, your essence will slip through the cracks.  I don't even think we are equipped as humans to understand and dig into everything that makes up another person.  It's hard enough to even understand yourself.  All else is arrogance.

It bothers me that people get me wrong.  It bothers me when people tell me what decisions to make, how each one will affect my life.  Do not presume to fortune tell with me. Do not presume that you are being helpful.  I am open to mistakes.  Let me make my own.

This was disjointed.   I more or less apologize (*less).

---------------------------
THE COLOR OF LOW SELF ESTEEM

what i never
learned
from my mother
was that
just because someone desires you
does
not mean they value you.
desire is the kind of thing that
eats you
and
leaves you starving.

-miguu

away

Minor things keep annoying me... Maybe all this impending stress is getting to me.  Soon I will be moving out, which is even more stressful because I don't know where I am going to put all my stuff when I am homeless (i.e. crashing on my brother's sofa).

I will be traveling to Korea and Thailand, going out of the country for the first time alone, going on a plane alone for the first time, AND I can't even relax in Thailand because I'll have classes every weekday, all day.


This is what I need though.  I need to go somewhere, by myself, be thrust into something new.  I need to be anonymous.



I have an easy life, I just need to chill out and read books and deactivate my facebook account (in the midst of working crazy amounts to obtain travelgreen) Then I will be less :LSKJG:LKJGwOEGJ. you know.

p.s. travelgreen means money.

It doesn't happen every day

new daft punk tunes coming out soon...

This is amazing. In case the link gets broken this is Instant Crush by Daft Punk

also:

daze

some people are frightened by
things bright enough
to blind them

and you,
with the radioactive
smile

when you greet someone
at five in the afternoon

let the stunned
“good morning” of a reply
remind you

how it feels to be
mistaken for the
dawn

---

I don't like the title, I may change it later.

Bachata

I cannot get enough of this song ermagerdd

I am ready, now.

Come at me world.

PREACH

"If owning a gun and knowing how to use it worked, the military would be the safest place for a woman. It’s not.

If women covering up their bodies worked, Afghanistan would have a lower rate of sexual assault than Polynesia. It doesn’t.

If not drinking alcohol worked, children would not be raped. They are.

If your advice to a woman to avoid rape is to be the most modestly dressed, soberest and first to go home, you may as well add “so the rapist will choose someone else”.

If your response to hearing a woman has been raped is “she didn’t have to go to that bar/nightclub/party” you are saying that you want bars, nightclubs and parties to have no women in them. Unless you want the women to show up, but wear kaftans and drink orange juice. Good luck selling either of those options to your friends.

Or you could just be honest and say that you don’t want less rape, you want (even) less prosecution of rapists.

When people scoff at the message that we need to teach people not to rape they make the assumption that the lesson goes: “Rape is bad. Don’t do it.” That is not what the lesson looks like. The lesson, once it is adopted, will be that every single person out there, regardless of any defining personal characteristics, is a human being of value, and with a right to make their own decisions about what bodily contact to have with others. There is nothing a person can do that makes them less deserving of that right. Violating any person’s right to control the when, what and who with of their sexual interactions is wrong. Do it and you will be punished, and you will deserve it."

-from A Short Post on Rape Prevention

como

watching you change your skin for different people, people who are not me, is interesting and horrifying the way I assume a close-up of a spider eating a fly would be.  

Either you are a professional or this is Instincts defined. I would believe you if you told me you were born for this but perhaps it just takes practice.  Fast food chains market differently in various countries.  Beef is not a hot commodity in India but arrogance might be. Would you tell me if I guessed correctly?  What are you selling?

I wonder at your shine.  Is this a facet of your personality, or the entire diamond?  Twist in the light, show us something ugly.

___________________________________________


You are not an actor. This is your life.
___________


I am trying to let go of mistrust, the grudges I still hold, and the hate.  It is hard. People frighten me. People who are hiding themselves, and giving you and everyone else only bits and pieces of whatever they think you want to see. I need to do this though. It is exhausting to dislike people that you have to see fairly often. How do I let go of this?

zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum para

I have a final exam today, and I am not prepared.  I care more about working as much as I possibly can than school.  School is unimportant.  I figured out the other day that if I work full time for 8 months (at my current job and pay-rate) I can travel for four months.  I can do this every single year.  For the rest of my life.

The only problem is I don't really want a full time job... I want a job where I get to work whenever I want to, and I can stop working whenever I want to.

Basically I need two jobs.  Then I can work PRN for both of them and still get enough hours.

I JUST WANT TO TRAVEL EVERYWHERE.

AND I DON'T WANT TO END UP STUCK IN NORTH DAKOTA POPPING OUT BABIES EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS.


Sometimes I do want to find someone... but then again I don't want my wanderlust cured.  I don't want to depend on someone else for my happiness. I'm fine depending on myself and the future.

and then there's that heartbeat of lonely lonely lonely in the back of my head saying maybe I can't do this forever.

screw you heartbeat, maybe I can.

It's hard for me to do someone a favor without feeling like they owe me something.  I'm always on some "What have you ever done for me?  What will you do for me in the future?" running through my head.  It's sort of a bad mentality.  The people who do me favors All The Time never ask for anything in return.

If you knew Karma was fake, and what you did would never come back to haunt you or to help you, would the way you live change?

I hate to spend money, that's the thing.  Time, you can take all you want.  I guess I get that from my father.  I remember begging him for money to go to the movies way back in the day... Getting a pack of gum for multiple birthdays in a row.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and I am glad they raised me this way.

But I guard my money like a cat guards her offspring.



(Less hissing and spitting though.)


Love you all
pretty much,
Amy