Go. Brain spew.

I stayed in the town you're supposed to leave when you graduate.  I'm still here. Surrounded by college kids, so, so, out of place.

I know it's in my power to leave.  Got excuses, but let's be serious, there's nothing real keeping me here.

Most of the people I am comfortable with have been gone for a long time.

I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I miss the hardcore talks.  What can I do?  Trust does take time to build up, or maybe it's just chance that you'll meet anyone you can give your brain to and know it won't get regurgitated up backwards.  GET ME.  Just, understand... I feel like I'm on the moon desperately sending my radio signals into the expanse of nothingness.  Hear. Me.  It's this dance when you meet new people, not unlike flirting but how long does it take to get below surface talk.    How do I take you there without making you crazy.  This is why people do drugs together.  Smoke together.  I HATE the inanities of small talk... that hasn't changed.


I used to really use getting physical as a way to get behind all the boring I-don't-know-you-yet crap.  Easy for me to realize that now that I am celibate by long distance.

Ayya he should be here making everything better.


(I should know. How to make everything better for myself. )

California never felt like Home to me

I love this blog so much: Samantha Field.  Escaping fundamentalism improved my life to the hundredth degree and it is so so so so... POWERFUL to read about another Christian that doesn't believe in Hell either.


Excerpt:

"I understand where Chelsen is coming from with this. I no longer believe in the doctrines of Original or Inherited Sin, and I do not believe that hell exists. Without those, the evangelical understanding of the Gospel evaporates rather quickly. I no longer “witness” to “the lost,” and I’m am very much unconcerned with whether or not those around me are “saved.” For the evangelical Christian, this is probably the worst form of heresy. According to many evangelicals, I have probably forsaken anything resembling Christianity."

also THIS

blowing my mind. for real.

Oh and have this song.

28

Was talking with my previous roommate and she asked me if I've ever thought about going back to school...  Basically the conversation turned into me justifying my decision to stay in Fargo and work as a CNA.

I'm happy.  I get to take vacations whenever I want, for months at a time.  How many people get to do that?  I couldn't do the five days a week, two  weeks a year off thing.  I just couldn't. 

We started talking about the summer and how worried she was that I was becoming depressed then... Honestly I had forgotten all about it.  I was sad this summer. I can't believe I forgot about that. 

So now I'm thinking too much, trying to figure out why specifically I was so out of it this summer.  Maybe because I didn't take any solo trips.  Maybe because I didn't have my own room, or because people kept canceling on me when I tried to make plans. 

Or maybe my brain is just that way.  Sends me down into the abyss sometimes.  It's okay though.  I can always see the light up there.

Hmm.  Don't know.

cactus bicycle seat.

So whenever I'm on a phone call with my boyfriend and the conversation is kinda stunted we do questions from this article: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. I definitely recommend this list to people in long distance relationships... one question usually opens up the whole conversation, we generally don't get through more than one per day.


Anyways. Today's question was "If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?"

He didn't have much to say about that.  I have mostly one thing...  I wish there would have been talks about consent.

This blog:  http://samanthapfield.com  sums it up beautifully.

"Sex should not be a “duty.” It shouldn’t be an act we feel obligated to perform for other people. It should never be manipulated or coerced. It’s hard for each woman, individually, to operate inside this system where we’re beaten down into thinking things like I have to have sex with him or he’ll leave me.

But we shouldn’t accept this status quo. As the magnificent and wonderful Nicki Minaj put it: “I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that.” That’s the attitude that should be accepted and normal. Consent is only the absolute minimum baseline, not the goal. It should be so commonplace for women to be comfortable, and happy, and trusting, and respected during sex that anything else would be as incomprehensible to us as building a bicycle seat out of a cactus."

This is the first I've heard of something called "enthusiastic consent"  which means not bare minimum okay-whatever-yeah-do-it consent (or "grudging consent").

I love Feminism. For now for always. <3 p="">
Don't have any new music for you today, sorry.

If you're looking for Capital Letters YOU'RE HOME

The Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress was magical.  SERIOUSLY good dancing.  I was on a high for two days at work when I got back.  SPEAKING of which. 

I thought it would be fun in the airport line to try and guess who just came to Colorado for the pot, but I think most of the people were there for some football game.

Colorado used to represent a place for out-doorsy people.  Now apparently it's a place for out-doorsy potheads.  I didn't meet any though, or if I did they were hiding it well.  True potheads will definitely tell you.  That they like pot.  Almost immediately.


anyways. The dancing was colossal.  And many other adjectives.  The men were sometimes too forward (less in deed than in word) but it's fun to reject people and also good mental acrobatic training.. for instance.  Is this dude worth letting down gently or is he basically a douche?  Then there's a continuum of rejection where I can either be really nice about, or totally blunt and rude.   Ball's in my court. 

For example.

Dude:  So what are my chances percentage-wise for you taking me home tonight?
Me:  Well... On a scale of 1 to I-have-a-boyfriend, I'm about a ten.  Meaning I have a boyfriend, and your chances are zero. 

AND! AND! I had already told him that I was getting kind of creeped out by some of the blunt pick up lines that night.  I told him I didn't trust any of the men there and WHAT DOES HE ASK ME.  FREAKING A. 

Man.  This is why I love my boyfriend.  He would never have gone for these cheap lines.  I don't like men who think they're smooth.  Arrogance goes hand in hand with manipulation.  I don't have time for that.

Here is a video from the congress. This man is inspiring.  Wish I would have filmed him speaking about dancing.

"What are you rehearsing for?"  Get out there and dance.

feet

Well my feet have not completely healed from LA yet (seriously if you love to dance, buy the LOWEST HEELS you can FIND), but I'm on to the Denver Salsa Congress.

So pumped.

The classes I'm taking:

Spinning Class
Latin Jazz Fussion
Afro-Colombia
Afro-Cuban Fusion
Salsa on 1
Sexy Bachata (is there any other type?)
Ladies Styling
Latin Fussion
Unbelievable Dance Patterns
Afro-Brazilian Dance
Kizomba
Afro Latin Jazz Soul Experience (Bootcamp)
Pachanga (!!!!)
Ladies Styling Bachata



AYaaaa I'm so excited.