Go. Brain spew.

I stayed in the town you're supposed to leave when you graduate.  I'm still here. Surrounded by college kids, so, so, out of place.

I know it's in my power to leave.  Got excuses, but let's be serious, there's nothing real keeping me here.

Most of the people I am comfortable with have been gone for a long time.

I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I miss the hardcore talks.  What can I do?  Trust does take time to build up, or maybe it's just chance that you'll meet anyone you can give your brain to and know it won't get regurgitated up backwards.  GET ME.  Just, understand... I feel like I'm on the moon desperately sending my radio signals into the expanse of nothingness.  Hear. Me.  It's this dance when you meet new people, not unlike flirting but how long does it take to get below surface talk.    How do I take you there without making you crazy.  This is why people do drugs together.  Smoke together.  I HATE the inanities of small talk... that hasn't changed.


I used to really use getting physical as a way to get behind all the boring I-don't-know-you-yet crap.  Easy for me to realize that now that I am celibate by long distance.

Ayya he should be here making everything better.


(I should know. How to make everything better for myself. )

California never felt like Home to me

I love this blog so much: Samantha Field.  Escaping fundamentalism improved my life to the hundredth degree and it is so so so so... POWERFUL to read about another Christian that doesn't believe in Hell either.


Excerpt:

"I understand where Chelsen is coming from with this. I no longer believe in the doctrines of Original or Inherited Sin, and I do not believe that hell exists. Without those, the evangelical understanding of the Gospel evaporates rather quickly. I no longer “witness” to “the lost,” and I’m am very much unconcerned with whether or not those around me are “saved.” For the evangelical Christian, this is probably the worst form of heresy. According to many evangelicals, I have probably forsaken anything resembling Christianity."

also THIS

blowing my mind. for real.

Oh and have this song.

28

Was talking with my previous roommate and she asked me if I've ever thought about going back to school...  Basically the conversation turned into me justifying my decision to stay in Fargo and work as a CNA.

I'm happy.  I get to take vacations whenever I want, for months at a time.  How many people get to do that?  I couldn't do the five days a week, two  weeks a year off thing.  I just couldn't. 

We started talking about the summer and how worried she was that I was becoming depressed then... Honestly I had forgotten all about it.  I was sad this summer. I can't believe I forgot about that. 

So now I'm thinking too much, trying to figure out why specifically I was so out of it this summer.  Maybe because I didn't take any solo trips.  Maybe because I didn't have my own room, or because people kept canceling on me when I tried to make plans. 

Or maybe my brain is just that way.  Sends me down into the abyss sometimes.  It's okay though.  I can always see the light up there.

Hmm.  Don't know.

cactus bicycle seat.

So whenever I'm on a phone call with my boyfriend and the conversation is kinda stunted we do questions from this article: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. I definitely recommend this list to people in long distance relationships... one question usually opens up the whole conversation, we generally don't get through more than one per day.


Anyways. Today's question was "If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?"

He didn't have much to say about that.  I have mostly one thing...  I wish there would have been talks about consent.

This blog:  http://samanthapfield.com  sums it up beautifully.

"Sex should not be a “duty.” It shouldn’t be an act we feel obligated to perform for other people. It should never be manipulated or coerced. It’s hard for each woman, individually, to operate inside this system where we’re beaten down into thinking things like I have to have sex with him or he’ll leave me.

But we shouldn’t accept this status quo. As the magnificent and wonderful Nicki Minaj put it: “I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that.” That’s the attitude that should be accepted and normal. Consent is only the absolute minimum baseline, not the goal. It should be so commonplace for women to be comfortable, and happy, and trusting, and respected during sex that anything else would be as incomprehensible to us as building a bicycle seat out of a cactus."

This is the first I've heard of something called "enthusiastic consent"  which means not bare minimum okay-whatever-yeah-do-it consent (or "grudging consent").

I love Feminism. For now for always. <3 p="">
Don't have any new music for you today, sorry.

If you're looking for Capital Letters YOU'RE HOME

The Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress was magical.  SERIOUSLY good dancing.  I was on a high for two days at work when I got back.  SPEAKING of which. 

I thought it would be fun in the airport line to try and guess who just came to Colorado for the pot, but I think most of the people were there for some football game.

Colorado used to represent a place for out-doorsy people.  Now apparently it's a place for out-doorsy potheads.  I didn't meet any though, or if I did they were hiding it well.  True potheads will definitely tell you.  That they like pot.  Almost immediately.


anyways. The dancing was colossal.  And many other adjectives.  The men were sometimes too forward (less in deed than in word) but it's fun to reject people and also good mental acrobatic training.. for instance.  Is this dude worth letting down gently or is he basically a douche?  Then there's a continuum of rejection where I can either be really nice about, or totally blunt and rude.   Ball's in my court. 

For example.

Dude:  So what are my chances percentage-wise for you taking me home tonight?
Me:  Well... On a scale of 1 to I-have-a-boyfriend, I'm about a ten.  Meaning I have a boyfriend, and your chances are zero. 

AND! AND! I had already told him that I was getting kind of creeped out by some of the blunt pick up lines that night.  I told him I didn't trust any of the men there and WHAT DOES HE ASK ME.  FREAKING A. 

Man.  This is why I love my boyfriend.  He would never have gone for these cheap lines.  I don't like men who think they're smooth.  Arrogance goes hand in hand with manipulation.  I don't have time for that.

Here is a video from the congress. This man is inspiring.  Wish I would have filmed him speaking about dancing.

"What are you rehearsing for?"  Get out there and dance.

feet

Well my feet have not completely healed from LA yet (seriously if you love to dance, buy the LOWEST HEELS you can FIND), but I'm on to the Denver Salsa Congress.

So pumped.

The classes I'm taking:

Spinning Class
Latin Jazz Fussion
Afro-Colombia
Afro-Cuban Fusion
Salsa on 1
Sexy Bachata (is there any other type?)
Ladies Styling
Latin Fussion
Unbelievable Dance Patterns
Afro-Brazilian Dance
Kizomba
Afro Latin Jazz Soul Experience (Bootcamp)
Pachanga (!!!!)
Ladies Styling Bachata



AYaaaa I'm so excited.

 

How beautiful German sounds compared to other languages

ahhahahahhah love it.

Life Goals

Getting pumped for the Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress.


Also. I taught my first lesson today.  It went well.  (Just to my brother and my roommate, but still.)

round and round

Well I came back from LA.  Ostensibly I can teach salsa now (at least to beginners) but that manifests mostly as teaching drunk people at parties.  I have a lesson on Wednesday for some friends.


Speaking of parties. I went to a house party made up of almost entirely Hmong people.  Freaking fun.  Dude teaching us Tai Chi on the porch.  Good dancing.

Any time people forsake the beer pong table for the dance floor is bound to be good.

You know, because I have such low expectations for Fargo, I get pleasantly surprised by it far more often than you would think.

Well last time I posted an Omi song it got crazy big later and I felt bad because that song freaking annoys me now, but this one is still good so have at it.

There's some things I have to say, and should post about, but it will have to be later.  I just don't feel it right now.

LA LA LA

Basking in the simple simplicity of having my own room again.  It's been awhile.

SO PUMPED TO GO TO L.A.!  Time to get the heck out of here!   Also I'm in love.  Such a lottery.  I won it. HA!

Impressions:  From the calm to the chaotically manic.

People still use the N word in gas stations.

I'm so tired of seeing this "All Lives Matter" crap.  No one is yelling at breast cancer awareness advocates, insisting that they include lung cancer as well.


Anyways in Germany, students are forced to look in-depth at the Holocaust.  They have to read the Diary of Anne Frank (every year according to one German woman I talked to) in school.


What did I learn about America's past in school?  I learned that we celebrate Columbus day.  The original illegal immigrant.

We brush slavery under the rug.

We pretend that we're all equal now, with equal opportunity.

I get so tired of this.

NPR has a fantastic article on this subject  here.

Educate yourself.

Also someone called my coworker a N**** in the gas station.  It's 2105 ladies and gents.

UGH.

Here's some Kizomba music.  Heard it at the Salsa Explosion in Minneapolis.

Tristam - My Friend

Getting excited to go to LA.

Slightly concerned about dressing for the nightlife.  As I am from North Dakota.  And I've never been to LA before.


OH WELL.

Reading a Kim Jong-Il production by Paul Fischer and it is incredibly fascinating.  Anyone interested in North Korea and exactly what the heck is happening over there should take a look.  I have to wonder where the author got all his information actually.

Coming to Terms with my Status as a Drifter

With my recent purchase of an air mattress, I officially am able to fit all my possessions in my Buick '92.    Almost four years ago when I had my mental breakdown I got rid of SO MANY THINGS and then it was crazy and a symptom of mania.

But now when I do it, it's normal, and a symptom of my commitment to minimalism.


"Normal".  Huh.  Anyways my year-long no-new-clothes ban is going well.  Had to buy new shoes for work, but that's allowed.    Haven't cheated since I got a  hat and tank top from Minneapolis consignment store gina + will, which was over a month ago.    Regret the hat, but the tank top is black and simple and therefore I've been using it every weekend or so.

Two days until our two year anniversary.  More than half of that has been long-distance.

Might have to move there.  I'm so tired of the loneliness.

Have been feeling scattered, perhaps because I have been preparing to be perpetually homeless as of yesterday.  Maybe also because the majority of my heart is in Delhi and I'm here.  Or the fact that I couldn't get shifts for September and am contemplating OTHER OPTIONS. Such as moving to Minneapolis, thus breaking my heart into more chunks and attempting to transfuse into new soil / or concrete.

I regret the lack of continuity in the post.

I really don't care enough to fix it.

bring color to my skies

 We met this guy earlier in the summer at the first Salsa Explosion event and then re-met him at the second salsa explosion.  Exchanged numbers because he's clearly an awesome dancer so I'll probably see him in the future.

ANYWAYS.

He called me today.  Out of nowhere.  I really don't do phone calls, they make me vaguely uneasy, even when I'm calling a close friend (which he is not).

Talked for about an hour.  Barely know him, but after I got the I-have-a-boyfriend bombshell out of the way we had a really good talk. 

People don't do that you know?  Just call strangers (unless they're trying to get it...)

 I really don't get all that much real talk lately.



Oh and I may move to Minneapolis sometime this next month.  Time for a change.  And I wasn't able to get the days that I wanted to work.  Got six shifts where I usually get 24. 

Hmm.

Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance

I was reading a very interesting book recently:

(here it is)

Absolutely fascinating.  Had an account of a religious group that grew out of exercise and meditation (similar to Yoga, at least, that's how I understood it).  The Falun Gong or Falun Dafa.  The book talks about how the Communist party basically outlawed Falun Gong because they had so many adherents that it gave them some serious power in the country.  Lots of accounts of police brutality.  Lots of peaceful protests.

I was on a long car drive with my roommate (She's from Jiangxi Province, China) and I asked her if she knew anything about the religion.

She responds with "Oh yeah, they're crazy.  The government had to outlaw them because they kill themselves in public... They're like Muslim extremists or something."

I was shocked.  The book had said NOTHING about that. From what she was saying the religion was like some evil cult that encouraged it's members to suicide.


Anyways, it was jarring.  Cognitive Dissonance to the max.  Could probably write something about propaganda, or Communism, or government blah blah blah.. but I've been feeling dizzy and awful all day so I'm gonna skip it.

Here's a song:

Words are not Enough

The American media chooses to focus on trivialities, (not limited to, but certainly including, a dead lion named Cecil).  However, ultimately I do blame myself for not being more informed. 


Anyways.  A couple days ago I read this article on ISIS and sex-trafficking (TW: sexual assault).

Isis Enshrines a Theology of Rape


Awful doesn't cover it.  It is so absolutely f**ked up that sex, this beautiful, wonderful thing, can be corrupted and used as a tool of destruction and hate.  SICK SICK SICK.


Some of this is being combated by a man named Steve Maman, who is buying these women (and in some cases, children) from ISIS to give them back their lives.

Read that story here:  A Canadian Businessman Inspired by Oskar Schindler Is Buying Back Christians and Yazidis Captured by Islamic State .


I don't donate anything. Ever.  I am always too worried about corrupt charities, and ultimately I always decide its better to just give nothing.  That has to change.  I believe in this man.  I have to donate to his cause.  Please consider supporting him as well.

http://www.gofundme.com/liberationCYCI

There must be something in the water

will write this week.

Would Wrestle God to Kiss Your Smile

We went to Washington D.C. last weekend to go see our friend who has been interning in the Library of Congress.

Whilst there, we went to an art gallery called The Fridge for a street sticker expo.  You know those little stickers that  post offices give out for labeling?  You could (if one were so inclined)  make art on them and stick them up in public places.  There were also some actual stickers, printed and ordered. 

rich people

“Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

- Donald J. Trump


This article though:  Frank Reynolds or Donald Trump

clutter, must-read, must-hear

is it true that your mind is sometimes like a battering ram running all through the city, shouting so madly inside and out about the ten thousand things that do not matter? –Hafiz 


Can I simplify my mind the same way I simplify my wardrobe?   Trying to pair my clothing down to only basics, get rid of everything extraneous.

Like meditation for my clothing. 

I never actually meditate.  I swim in a sea of distractions so I won't ever have to be alone with myself.  Wake up, cook/shower/call boyfriend/ finish making my Hindi vocab flashcards for the week/ blog / donate some clothes / get started on my massive to-do list/bike/ 8 hours of work (studying on my breaks) / bike home/ chit chat with roommates, read until I fall asleep.

WHICH BY THE WAY I am reading an extremely interesting book involving cognitive dissonance, corrupt politicians, corrupt researchers, and other things that I love.  We we lie to ourselves. How we justify our own hypocrisy.   Also I think it might be fixing my writers block somehow. 

 

Polish Girl - Neon Indian

class of '10

So I went back Home (?) last weekend, ostensibly for a class reunion.  Our little dinky informal five-year potluck thingy. 

If you know me at all you know that high school was the black pit for me.  I listened to emo music 24-7 and spend most of my time alone in my room.  I was... unpopular. To put it lightly.  I recall a particularly unflattering comment made about me being "Yeah I'd f*** her, but only if she had a bag over her face so I didn't have to see it".


I have dreams about high school.  Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life to impress "Those People".  And I feel weird about this.  I want to let go of the bitterness, and move on.


So I went back.

Awkward. Awkward. So awkward.  I have NOTHING in common with them.  (Except for one girl that I ran into who I used to be close with and still really admire and respect).


When I was in a situation where I needed to mingle and try to talk to people I panicked.  I didn't know what to say. 

I felt myself regressing back to former self status.  Uncomfortable in a way that I haven't felt in five years. 

Those are not my people.

Why did I subject myself to that?  I'm glad it's done. I'm glad I'm back in Fargo with the people I trust, the people I can say anything to, the people who do not judge me.  I could taste the relief when I finally made it to my apartment.


I forget how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.  They are so much more.  I should have brought them with me,  but I felt like this was something I needed to go do alone.

There is the bustling metropolis of Mott ND looming in the foreground.

Thought I Was Blind Before I Met You

Cover of Bright Eyes -  First Day of My Life, by Cole Strombeck.   Make this guy famous.

Headphones Recommended

Never, ever laugh at beginners.

You have no idea how much of a setback it can be to be too embarrassed to even practice something.

I have this friend, super awesome friend, who happens to be really un-confident at dancing.  He gets out there and has fun with us,  I never noticed anything particularly awful about how he dances.

Last time we all went out, there were two girls just laughing and laughing at him while he was dancing.  


He's done. That's it. No more dancing.  That is so awful to even think about considering all the joy dancing can bring a person.

I used to teach English and believe me I would NEVER laugh at a foreigner's pronunciation.  Just correct them and move on.  There is such a difference in how people will approach you depending on whether they think they can learn and share with you or be ridiculed by you. Such. A. Difference.

 GAH.  It takes so much to learn a new skill, to put yourself into something you don't know much about.  DON'T LAUGH AT BEGINNERS.


Rules for life.

 Dream of Something Sweet - K 391  ft Cory Friesenhan

Three Things.

There was an old lady with perfect skin.  Glowed like a goddess.  Smile like a sunrise, need the darkest of tinted windows/glasses to dim that.  When they asked her how her skin was so perfect at 90+ years, she just flashed this gorgeous smile and said,

"Love Everybody".

(Well, sometimes she chalked it up to good moisturizing practices, but you can tell why I usually don't emphasize that part)


 And then you have the Ottertail River in Minnesota. Famous party spot, where people float down on inner-tubes with coolers of beer.


Where my friend got called a chink.  (Am I even allowed to type that word, it looks dirty as hell.)

Where I called someone a c*nt to their face for the very first time.

(Ask yourself if the second c-word looks so much more shocking, and why is that?)


Yes racial slurs are alive and well in rural America.

It just hurts to see it coming from my generation.

Also just so you know, if one of YOUR drunken friends ever uses a racial/homophobic/misogynistic slur in your presence, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

You apologize for their bad behavior.  Don't say, "Oh he's just super drunk."  Say I am sorry for what he said to you.

And maybe consider getting better friends.


Well. Time for me to rid my body of disappointment and anger and go get ready to help some old people.


My instructor and I salsa dancing to San Holo's remix of Next Episode by Dr. Dre...

LB CA Future.

So I have made the executive decision to attend a three day program in Long Beach California, to become a salsa instructor.  (LINK HERE) It's only three days which SEEMS like it won't be long enough.  They also have a three month program for salsa intensive training, which I may want to do in the future.  (Kinda scared about spending the money for three months of living in Long Beach.  Maybe I could find a job there?)


I would love to find a dancing partner to perform with, but I do worry about jealousy issues... I mean you have to dance with the same person and find chemistry on the daily.


SO! As a solution I have decided to only seek out gay men for partners.  That way my boyfriend won't get jealous, and will feel comfortable with my future-of-dance.  DanceFuture. 


AHHH I WANNA TEACH DANCE. 

 One of my (sort of very confused, but very awesome) old ladies gave me a huge pep talk the other night, she just looked right at me and said, "Look I know I'm too old to be your  mentor... I wish I was younger... but you have to realize that you are going to do great things.  And I know you don't believe you can do it, but you CAN, and you need to get out there and DO THINGS.



So I just bought this three day course thing.  And I think I will also do the three month course within the next two years at some point.

Oh and I'm performing at the nursing home next weekend too. woooooh.

Music:

Am I Waiting To Break?

Maybe this has already hit the radios, not sure.


But probably not in Fargo.

over and over and over again

FIRST:

New music:

Hmmmm well not much is happening.  Been working.  Starting to be around old people so much that I feel like I am one. 

I hold a lot of tension and I get angry easily.  Well I hope that's only true for lately, and not for always.  How can I just... just not get pissed off?

It's like I'm constantly in go-mode.  I can't remember the last time I was just sitting there, nothing to do.   And if something stops me I freak out.


Is that healthy?  I'm too busy to find out.  I always thought that I feel better the more productive I am. 

Actually considering going on an internet fast.  The problem is there are certain things I feel like I need the internet for (such as checking windspeed before I bike to work so I know how early I need to leave).  Then after checking the weather I get sucked in to a vortex of clickbaits.

I want to simplify my life.

On a different note:

If you're not using airbnb you should be.   Aaaaaand please let me know if you do as I can give you some money off your first stay. We stayed in this crazy aging hippie's wagon.  Awesome.

 The wagon is lined with books.  Found Hafiz poetry.  Was happy.

 There was cognac... apparently it lasted through like 60 guests, but then the last guest just decided to drink it all hahahaha. none left for us.

caravan

The time of judging
Who is drunk or sober,
Who is right and who is wrong,
Who is closer to god, and who is farther away,
All that is over.

This caravan is led instead by a great delight,
The simple joy that sits with us now.

That is the grace.


–Hafiz

Anyone who doesn't like Parenthesis may Leave

Yesterday I had a bonfire (is it still a bonfire if it's freakin' tiny? unclear.) for my birthday.

Anyways my friend who is a Reiki healer had us write things on pieces of paper and then burn them.

Things we want to let go of.

Like tarot card readings, I find myself analyzing, trying to look inward and see, (Does it help? Does it work? /////////) on and on and on.

I very rarely give myself up to anything.  I can't just feel it.

My parents are deeply suspicious of anything "hippy".  I'm not suspicious. Maybe skeptical.

I want to be able to cleanse myself of anything dragging me down, the things that cause me to doubt my self-worth.

Do I believe that I can?

I guess the answer is maybe, so then it follows that the answer is really

(no.)



----
also: a song.

San Holo (Saint Hologram?)

Taking the 365 challenge ( I just made that title up)


WHICH MEANS! For one full year, I will not buy any new clothes. 


IF I absolutely NEED to buy something, I will buy it from a thrift store.

But I shouldn't need anything.


and

GO!


oh here's a song: