oh ohhhh somebody loves you

Jugni Ji

This song is Just. So. Catchy.

Jugni is a female firefly.

Negative experiences are good for my poetry.  So I suppose I should be happy right now.

ldr

I need to ask you something serious.

Okay

Can we do this?

Do you wanna beat the odds?

organ donor

someday

a group of scientists will
spill the contents
of my heart

out onto a white table

pick through them,
examine everything thoroughly
with
white-gloved
fingertips

and still find
only
you.

-------------------------------------------------

Creative writing class is about to start. I have to read my poems to the class.  Ugh. This needs to be over.

Delhi

My boyfriend is moving back to India.  Permanently, for all intents and purposes.  Just found this out, and he's leaving in less than 2 weeks.


Finally found a decent guy, (okay more than decent, he approaches perfection) and he's leaving.  At least I graduate this May, so I could conceivably go anywhere...


I've got a lonely 2014 ahead of me.  blergh.

We were

The only ones in the hookah bar yelling "SHAKIRA!! GIVE US SHAKIRA!!!" when the music stopped for a few minutes.

Also the only ones dancing.

That's how it always is, no matter where in the world I end up.

Ya habibi

Contrary to popular belief I am not eternally happy.  The funniest is at work when I'm having a really awful day and one of the old people will suddenly say "My YOU'RE the happy one tonight!"  because I have the tendency to whistle and smile at everyone.  Apparently my fake smiles are very convincing.


hmm hmm hmmm I feel very stagnant.  Something needs to change.

Maybe I just really need a dance party.  Also this video is stupid but I like the song so that's that.

Social Skills 101

BRAGGING IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA


ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

(okay unless you're writing a resume)

There are so many more interesting things to say.  Funny things.  Stupid things.  Clap your hands and bark like a seal for all I care (actually half the time that might even be your best option).

Your parents are the only people who benefit from hearing about your achievements.  As social skills go, this is something you should master.

The mouth that bites

I always wonder about couples who are constantly crabbing at each other. Do they act like that when they are alone?  I want to avoid that rut.

Why do I always think that I will be able to maintain a better relationship than my parents can/could?

Timing is pretty crucial I guess.  All my relationships have lasted less than a year, so clearly I'm not the expert.

So this is a series of haikus I wrote for my creative writing class.  As usual, the title disappoints me but oh well.

trust

do not be afraid
to starve the mouth that bites you
keep your limbs intact

do not feed the wolves
elbows and fists are weapons
that you might not need

treat fear as a guest
that has overstayed all your
hospitality

when you cannot run
from the clawings of monsters
then you must bite back

things I don't care about

"being successful" has no appeal to me.  I don't understand people who want to make it big, to become rich.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to selling things.  Marketing is the last thing I'd ever do.

My friend/acquaintance is trying to sell me on something called vemma or something like that and it's just so strange.  It's a terrible thing to make money by taking it from other people in exchange for things they don't need and probably never even thought about before you got in their faces with advertisements and glowing testimonials.

Vemma sells things. That's all I caught from what he was telling me. I think it's the kind of thing where you convince other people to sell it too, and then you make money off them as well.  He really really really wants to talk to me about it on campus tomorrow though so I guess I'll know more then.

Why not get a job that actually provides a needed service? gah.   I won't go so far as to say I hate people who chase success, it just mostly creeps me out.

Also there's a crazy cheap travel deal if you're thinking of going to Europe, or you're traveling between countries over there:  norwegian.com.

Got my round trip ticket to Denmark.. about 600 dollars :D. Of course, now I have to get to New York City anyways so I don't know how much money I really saved haha.

terms and conditions

do you accept these terms and conditions?

I should have made you
sign a contract

I promise this won’t mean
anything

not even if I’m sober
not even on swingsets at midnight
river walks during floodstage

I promise you I won’t read between
the out-loud

I promise you I won’t give you my best
“let’s still be friends”
like an excuse
a bone thrown to the
most undernourished of dogs

(don’t treat me like
someone who needs
the pleasant lies of
anesthesia

this is not a disguise for
pain)

this is indifference
and we can have it
too

promise

---
hmmm hmmmmm reading through some of my older poetry and it is VEH HEH HERRY interesting how I used to feel about certain things.

It bothers me that I don't even remember who I was talking about at certain points.

sometimes the rain is easier to trust than whatever half assed sincerity you’re trying to sell tonight.  what could be less complicated than two hydrogens and an oxygen? Science is honesty.  You? More unpredictable than lightning, and I never stay in the same place long enough to get struck twice.  You’re out.

I can only guess who that was about.

saltwater

it took decades
to sharpen your spine
into something that
doesn’t crack on the
high notes

now surrounded by
 eight octaves of pain
through the crescendo of a
phone call

(her daughter is in a coma, it would not be
prudent to
even
visit
stay home
they say

stay
home)

you don’t abandon ship,
leave her to cry alone

you don’t even
flinch

----
I have only developed a few immunities.  It's mostly that I wince.  I wince and I try not to let anyone see that things still hit me hard, even after being in this job for over half a decade.  I believe in the power of back rubs. I hold hands with old ladies (and old men for that matter) because being alone is shitty.  Falling asleep by yourself, alone, can be downright awful, especially when you aren't completely sure how long you are going to be around, or who might be there in the morning to help you get up.

Also everyone should watch the netflix original drama "Derek".  That show is golden.

hashtag clearly attached

man I really missed the early AM's.  Nothing I'd rather be doing than discussing heaven and hell on the kitchen floor with near strangers and not strangers.

We threw a party.

I miss good talks. So tired of gossip. on and on and on. I need to really really really just talk to someone.  Will make that happen this week.

I feel a bit stagnant.  Oh well, that can't last forever.  Either I get bored enough to take drastic measures, or I just hold out until I leave for Europe.  (Less than a year!)  I don't even particularly want to go there if I can't get Tomorrowland tickets, but I'm sort of locked in to backpack throughout the whole place with my friend. Oh well, it will be fun, even if its not my first choice travel destination.

(Will I be single then?  Do I need to know at this point?)

I can barely imagine having a good reason to not be with him.  Man. being single.  I used to be so comfortable with it, but I don't know how I could transition back to that.

 

Rise Up

It's a crying shame that I have never been in a fight. I am freaking TWENTY ONE years old. At this point it's almost getting embarrassing.  I'm taking a self defense class this month though, so maybe I'll have the guts to take on a street harasser next time I'm downtown.  I've been reading a lot of comic books lately (Avengers, X-men and Deadpool if you cared to know), which is maybe why I feel like I should be fighting someone in ... hand to hand combat!

Let me feel your heart be going crazy

Did some art this weekend, not quite finished yet, but will post.

everything is still perfect... Still waiting for something to unbalance me.

will we cross or be aligned?

had to delete these poems. thinking of entering them in a contest
---

I'm writing cheesy things much too often because I am a teenage-girl in February.  Hopeless.

open your eyes

"What if the magnificence of who we are was no longer held captive by the fear of decision? Between two choices, whichever choice you make will be the right one made. The path you are on, you cannot fall off no matter how hard you try. So call this the year of no mistakes. The year of the heavy sword, but stronger hands. The year where we are no longer stuck in the street but found somewhere between the asphalt and the moon. Inside a sheath of arrows turning itself into wind. 

-Anis Mojgani
_______________________________________________

A golden oldie from way back in the day when I was first getting into music.

hum.

gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous

 The problem with being at the top of the mountain is you can only go down.  The view literally cannot get better for me right now... not without a total loss of control (but now I'm just being obscure).  I would tell anyone the details of my "troubled past" (as he calls it)  but I am so hesitant to put it out there on the internet.

Things are really freaking good and this just can't last.  What kinda sorcery would let me be this happy forever?

Reading this article http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/27-survivors-of-sexual-assault-quoting-the-people-who-attack makes me want to fucking cry.  I did cry.

Here's the video if you aren't into reading / looking at pictures.

Resiliency is a powerful thing.  I can only pray that I never have to be strong in this way.

dewaana

Everything has been going right for me.  My 2 PM class got canceled today, I got the good list at work, and I am supremely happy in essentially all areas of my life.


Do you think by being happy you somehow generate good luck for yourself?  Why are all these good things happening to me?


I have the next four days off. Time to make something happen.

have some music!

parachute

I'm so into this dude.  I don't know what to do with this level of vulnerability.  I don't even recognize my brain right now.  ayeeee! bring it on, life!  I am happy to throw some dice with you!

The song is Roll Right Over by Eye Alaska in case this gets deleted like the first time I posted it.

the farthest thing from poison

half of moving on is knowing you will. Once the possibility exists in your mind, the rest is comparatively easy.  I believe in the impermanence of everything, especially sadness. It’s what's kept me alive through the winters. Ice and ice and ice and ice, even snowblind I still believe in sun. I have a postal-service commitment to waking up every morning until I no longer have to force myself. Until the sun ignites my the fog in my veins.  Until my skies are cleared for takeoff.


--

Hope is knowing I will always always always achieve happiness again,  no matter the situation in the meantime.

My roommate's birthday was this Saturday.  So here's the most chill Chinese song that I have ever heard.

What Does the Fox Say?

I have to write a 4-6 page piece of nonfiction for my creative writing class.

Was thinking of doing a series of vignettes on my old people (working at a nursing home blah blah blah etc.) but she specified that there HAD TO BE A PLOT which kinda shoots that down.

Other option: write about my skeletons, write about going crazy.  (and have people know this about me.)  I made this mistake last year in poetry class, first poem had to be a personal poem.  She read mine in front of the whole class, and I understood  on a very deep level the word "mortification".

I could write about Thailand but that just feels like bragging.

I could write about men.  But that is just too overdone.  And given current circumstances, also looks a lot like bragging.

meh.  Might just skip class Tuesday and stay home and hash it out.

speaking of being happy, speaking of men, speaking of beautiful moments that songs remind me about....

I know... you already know this one... but this blog is for me not for you.

I don't know if you've heard of Ylvis, but you will have soon, so allow me to introduce you if you haven't already met. One of the few songs that my roommate will dance to without being forced which marks it as a very worthy song indeed.

everything is up in the air crazy
watching things wide-eyed to see where they will land

anything I do changes everything, the whole course of things and I am a blindfolded child.  Lashing out at a rat-poison filled pinata.  What do I do?

standing at the edge of this abyss screaming

I DON'T KNOW.

stutter

I guess I need to ask myself whether I care what people think of me.  And the unfortunate answer is yes, yes, and hell yes.

There are some people who are trying to live well, be happy, and not screw anyone over in the process.

And then there are some people who employ a vicious fascination with other people's lives.  I'm scared of these ones.  Like mad dogs.  When do you get old enough to lose your fangs?  My life is not meat.  I wish I was strong enough to bite back.

I feel so off-balance and helpless. Like everything is just happening to me and I can't even react in a meaningful way.

I'm still these nervous feet and heart of stone

I miss Thailand less and less... The one thing is the dancing.  If I was walking down the street in Fargo, heard music, and started busting it... I would get locked up most likely.  But in Thailand? Heck naw.  I could dance wherever/whenever, and there was always someone who would join me.

and oh, the ocean.  Except invariably when I wanted to stand at the edge and watch the waves late at night, someone would ALWAYS ALWAYS come and insist on trying to make small talk.  I had no patience for it.

 I should take a meditation class or two.  No one would come up and make small talk with me if I was in deep meditation in my room.  hopefully.

I'm sort of really into a dude.  I cooked for him which I rarely do, even for myself. eee! crazy.

hum

I spent the first

two decades of my life

trying to guess the meaning of

“home”

I won’t spend the next chapter

trying to escape

wherever

whenever

whoever

I rain on into the refraction-after

into the shine that comes only when

the thunder’s washed everything deaf

I tarnish myself through

the kinds of situations I’m later told

I should have avoided

bruise me selfless

polish my exterior

with your diamond knives

I only get softer

pain breeds wakefulness

I dream through all shades of

daylight

-

wrote this a while ago. I am so numb right now. Need to remember how to live wildly and I really really just wanna ditch this place. escape.

"Why are you single?"

It's the million dollar question isn't it?  Truth be told, I don't trust anyone enough for a cage. I don't think I ever could. I want to run when I feel like it.  I want the option to purchase plane tickets on a whim and just go. Anywhere. I don't want to have to check in with someone, to constantly call, text, skype, etc.  I want to be my own person.

andddd the fact that there are like a MILLION hot new Brazilian students at my university might be having an effect on my lovelife choices too.

back to normal life

Conversation with one of the old ladies at my nursing home:

Her:  What do they call toilet paper in Thailand?

Me: Well... they call it toilet paper....I guess.

Her:  I bet they call it butt-wipe!

(laughs uncontrollably)

Me:

(laughs uncontrollably)

---

I freakin' love my job.

(what are you waiting for?)

Me: "Well  in five years if we're both still single, we should get married so you can get American citizenship."

Him:  "That's a good idea, thanks Amy"

-------------------------------------------------------
my shoulderblades have

sharpened

then softened

now the most reckless

of vulnerabilities

I have 

broken-glass battle scars

from

dancing barefoot in dirty streets

drunk off the

wind in my veins

since the day I 

killed the past with

sunlight