Yesterday is History

I went to Tomorrowland 2014 completely solo.  Best thing I could have possibly done in Europe.

On the first shuttle bus I met the two dudes who I would be hanging out with for the majority of the festival.  I was lucky, because there are three reasons to go to Tomorrowland:  Drugs, Sex, or Music.   They were there for the music, like I was.

Smuggle in some food if you can... the food there is horrendously expensive.  I took raw potatoes and carrots and just ate them like that rather than pay their nasty food prices all day.

you can bring a water bottle in.  Do that.  Make sure it's empty and hide the cap in your bra or whatever.  They don't pat you down, they just check backpacks/purses.

I paid more for my ticket because the hotel and flight packages don't sell out as fast as the cheaper ones that go on sale later.  I remember being poised above the mouse (should I get it? Should I wait?)  I clicked "confirm", and I have never regretted it.  Probably the best experience of my life.  I could pay twice that price and it would still be worth it.  Going solo was easy... at least as a woman, you will make friends easily.

The two dudes who I was hanging out with took SO many pictures and videos that I felt like I needed to be constantly documenting the experience as well.  The third night I lost them in the crowd and hung out with someone from Jordon who doesn't even bring his phone in to festivals.  He got me to put my phone away and just live it.  I gotta say that's the best way to do it.  It's too stressful to  be constantly looking around trying to get a good click.   He also offered me drugs, to which my standard "nah man" sufficed as a refusal.

 One of the dozen or so stages...

Love the information desk.

again.

sorry ripped this off tumblr and CANNOT figure out who the original poster was.

This hits me.  I was not taught this.  I was taught only one thing:

No sex before marriage.

Okay I thought teenage boys were just horny and it wasn't *really* their fault if they just pushed and pushed until you gave in.  I wish I wish I wish I would have known, when someone doesn't respect the word"No" kick him the hell out of your life.  Once I left for college I never had problems with this again.  No one pushed it, because....

I make a point of ridding my life of anyone who is not good for me.  I have made a business of leaving people behind.

I guess learning things the hard way is the best way to make the message stick.

Amsterdam

Amsterdam was the beginning of finding my traveling groove.  I freaking like that city.  Also did my first walking tour here.

The thing about "free" walking tours is you don't really get a three hour tour for nothing.  They expect you to pay and if you don't tip you will (and should) feel like a terrible human being.  Plus this tour was SO informative that it was definitely worth the euros.   Our tour guide was intensely knowledgeable.  Amsterdam is full of History (I know that's a very American-in-Europe thing to say).


I love walking tours.  I try to do one in every city I go to now.  The best one was Amsterdam's, but I hear the one for Brussels is even better.  Liverpool's was the worst one, we left halfway through.

The bikes in Amsterdam are scary.  They don't care about pedestrians so be prepared to jump out of the way often.

 Hostel Life, a 12-bed room, one shower.  At 2 AM our first night Everyone was yelling at the guy in the bed next to me because he had music on and he wouldn't use headphones.  He got kicked out eventually.  I find if you are in a co-ed room, people (dudes) will say something if someone is being loud. But if you are in an all-girls room no one will say anything.  Two people banging in my Barcelona hostel literally woke EVERYONE up.  And they wouldn't stop even when I said "Could you NOT have LOUD SEX  right now!?!? Co-ed rooms are the way to go.

 Best place for a church... in the middle of the red light district.  Guess the sailors would go to church the morning after visiting the girls and try to buy their way back into heaven.  Priests were more than happy to accommodate.

 Amsterdam is very rich... was a huge port city where the East India Trading company was located.

Central Station.

why am I so angry today this is terrible.

I'm getting real fecking tired of feeling like a second class person because I don't have any aims to be successful.

I'm happy (most of the time) so for GAH sakes why is that not enough?  I'm tired of being embedded in the college part of town.

I don't like most of what a "successful" life entails.  Getting richer while those around you get poorer eff that.  Why yall's need so much money.

Why do I feel like I can't swear on this blog.  Because it's linked to my facebook. gahelkjr.

ldr

 It's like... okay:

So when my brother was very young my parents would give him crushed up ice-chips and tell him it was ice-cream, while they had their sundaes or whatever.  I'm actually not sure why. Cheapskateism? Sadism? Health concerns?

"Ice-cream!  Get ice-cream!" He loved that crap.  Didn't know the difference.  Until one day an uncle or grandmother or someone gave him REAL ice-cream.  And the jig was up.

Now he's never said he was mad about this.  I guess he just devoured the ice-cream with confusion?  Or unbridled joy?  Obviously he would never be satisfied with crushed up ice again.

Anyways what I'm trying to say is it's been 21 years of ice-chips before I met you.

I can't explain to anyone why I'm still with you through all this.  People think you were just my first longterm/serious relationship, and now I'm  trapped in that.  There is something you have that I can't label.  Something you have that other people just don't.  Almost no one.

And okay it's gonna be hard.  Explaining to my entire extended family that you aren't a Christian, (cue the horrified glances when I'm looking the other way) and that yes, I intend to kick it on the daily, forever, with you.

But I can't imagine it won't be worth it.

--------
Italian Music:

Serbia

The busses in Serbia don't have strings to pull (at least, the one's in Novi Sad don't... perhaps Belgrade is different.  Anyways you have to sort of make eye contact with the driver to get him to stop.

I went to Serbia for what is rated the best European music festival... Exitfest.  It's held in a fortress in Novi Sad.  My friend from University hosted me, although her parents didn't speak English.  I had read that Serbia uses the normal European outlets, but the one in my room looked a little funny.  I gamely tried to plug in my iphone charger anyways and this is what happened:

Basically there was  a loud comic book noise (BANG or POP something like that) and all the power went off.  My Serbian mom came running in yelling Serbian things.  I felt ridiculously stupid.  Apparently I could have died so it's a good thing that didn't happen.

Speaking of my Serbian mom, she was in the midst of trying to learn English. My favorite sentence of hers?

"My daugher... very.. lazy."

It's sort of crazy how you can get a feel for who someone is despite speaking almost none of the same language.  My host mom was really comical.  We bonded when she gave me a ride to the airport, by singing along to Avicii.

The music festival!  Very muddy.  Eat Sleep Rain Repeat.  Some of my host's friends actually snuck their way in through the tunnels under the fortress.  Which sounds freakin scary to me.  This was my first music festival.  I had never really liked edm before this, but when everyone is happy-dancing all over the place I guess you will too.  And I did.

 Yayyyyy Dance Arena!!!

 Fireworks, first night, main stage.

The sun is coming up.. still dancing.  This is during some Drum and Bass.

Favorite bits of the festival:  Stromae.  He comes out on stage wearing his Papaoutai outfit and the crowd just goes crazy for him.  Beautiful talented man. Here's that song.

(Other favorite bit) Second or third day of the festival my friend lent me some shoes for the rain. They were too small.  Fell apart.  She thought it was hilarious and nearly peed herself laughing.

Walking home, 7 AM ish.

Bailando

Sometimes I second guess myself.  Like maybe I'm taking the easy way out, instead of the terrifying adventure I should make of life.

This is the path I have chosen.  It's going to be the best one, because I'll make it the best one.  Gotta remind myself of that.

 It's pretty much going to be a terrifying adventure no matter what.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure most of you have heard this song..They made a somewhat crappier "English" version because Americans aren't allowed to have Spanish music on the radio apparently.  This is the original.  Although... there is a Portuguese version too, not sure in what order that came.

Italy

Italy was a whirlwind... we went through 6 or so cities... in just one week. This is a terrible way to travel.  I'd much rather stick to one place for a while.  Also we didn't always know how to spend our time, so a lot of it was just wandering around (not a bad pastime either).

This country is one of the worst for getting around as an English-speaking foreigner.  They will pretend like they speak English but then give you directions in Italian.  I've never really had to experience this, but it's nice to know the whole world doesn't speak English.  Because that would be boring.

For some reason Italians have very intense dinner hours.. You can't just pop into a restaurant at any time in the day.  Chances are it won't be open before seven or eight in the evening.

Most pointless city:  Pisa.  We were supposed to be here three days but we wigged out early and went to Florence instead.

Most interesting city:  Bologna.  (Be sure to get someone to tell you about the seven secrets of Bologna!)

Most beautiful city: Firenze (or Florence).  Of course!

 The tower is on the right.. I did NOT want a picture of it, or even to go look at it (cliche to the max) but it's almost the only memorable thing about Pisa. Watching other tourists take pictures of it is pretty hilarious though.

 The river looks pretty nasty in the day, but at night it's a choice spot to sit with a bottle of wine and talk.

Fully packed! My bag didn't really weigh that much, but I really wish I would have had one with good chest and waist straps.. Also I could have packed about half of what I ended up taking.  Next time...

 Italy is a network of alleys mostly.  This was taken in Florence.

 Florence, The Duomo.

About to roll out of Florence.

Wine Slow

Bought plane tickets, Minneapolis -- Belgium, Belgium--- India.

Should I just move out completely and teach somewhere in Asia?

I feel like I'll just keep postponing it and next thing you know I'll be married and unable to do anything..

Music for you:

Innsbruck, Austria.

I really like airbnb.com... basically you pay for it like a hotel, but you're staying in someone's house.

This can go one of two ways, either you are treated like a hotel guest, or you are treated like a couchsurfer, an honored friend-guest.

If you are using this website while traveling, I recommend you stay with a group of students, (actually with couchsurfing too).  Look for shared student housing.

Also, be sure if you are finding your way somewhere with screenshots, that you make them detailed enough so that EVERY street is labeled.  (or just use an actual map, printout or whatever, so you don't have to worry about your battery running out).

Innsbruck is beautiful.  We were only there for a night on our way to Italy.

 Rose-gardened airbnb!

Our lovely hosts!

Life Lessons

1.  The Catholic Church has a lot of money.

2.  Western Europe is basically one huge art gallery (exhibit A: Vienna, exhibit B: Paris)

Vienna:  St. Stephens Church

More Vienna:

 If you see anyone dressed like this, it's because they want to sell you concert tickets, they are not just a regularly-garbed Viennese citizen out and about.  Also a "fancy-dress party" means a costume party.  (Well why can't they just say that? heh).

See? I'm telling ya, huge art gallery.

The dude I couchsurfed with in Vienna was really awesome.  I had to wait for him to finish at his work, first at Mcdonalds (got kicked out) and then in the Metro Station (got kicked out of there as well).  I was nearly in tears when he finally found me, at 2 in the morning or so (he wasn't expecting me till the next night, turns out I requested the wrong day).  He had very limited accommodations so I slept on a mat next to his bed.  Slumber party with a perfect stranger, good thing he was very good at people skills.  When couchsurfing by yourself, you really really REALLY need to make sure your potential hosts have good reviews.  I can't stress this enough.  If you do, then you should be fine.  Although... I only used couchsurfing a handful of times so what do I know?

Croatia

Lots of people like to go to Croatia, for waterfalls and whatnot (and beaches!).

I went to Rovinj, Croatia, for a Salsa Festival. The Croatian Summer Salsa Festival  is HUGE.  The dance parties have four different dance floors: Salsa Cubano, LA style, Salsa and Bachata, and Kizombo.  I went by myself.   This proved to be a huge mistake.    

This festival taught me that there are two types of dancers:

1.  Concerned with skill, technique, and perfection.

2.  Don't think, just joyfully throw their bodies at the music.


Unfortunately I danced with far too many of the type 1 kind.  One dude actually stopped in the middle of the song, stiffly said "Thank You", and walked off.

A good dancer should make you confident and happy, no matter what your skill level.  I got extremely frustrated because even when I found a really fun wild dancer, there were SO MANY people that chances were I'd never run into them again.  Thousands and thousands.  Overwhelming.  I think it might have been fun if I would have gone with friends, but solo I was just an anonymous face in a huge crowd.  I did learn a lot though, finally mastered the suzy-Q for instance, not sure why it took me so long.

Pictures:

 A crowd of dancers (although the ones actually dancing are sorta far in the back.)

 Coming home at six AM, (because I had to take a boat back to my hotel, and it didn't start running till six)

Typical street in the town.

Denmark and a few

choice words about couchsurfing.org . From what I can tell, if you are solo traveling as a woman the men you stay with will probably try to get it, but in my case at least, they always backed off when they realized I wasn't into it.

Now I realize I only stayed with two people when I was by myself, an Indian in Denmark and a Viennese dude in Austria, but it happened both times.  So I guess you need to ask yourself if twice makes a pattern, and for me it definitely does.  

Actually European men in general were very easy to friendzone.. I never had to explicitly say "BACK OFF" because they could always read the signs, which is important considering I was attending Salsa/Bachata congresses and music festivals by myself.  And even when they realized I had a boyfriend, they didn't recoil in horror, just carried on being my friend.  Love that.

Anyways!

Denmark pictures.  As my first destination was Copenhagen, I had no idea what to do, how I wanted to spend my time, so I just sort of wandered around the city.

 Above and below are pictures inside Christiansborg Palace.

 One thing I love about European cities are all the people performing in the street.

City center shot.

Thoughts on Copenhagen, Denmark:

Too expensive
Everyone CAN speak English, but they start out with Danish because it's rude to assume you're a foreigner.
To blend in, dress in many many black layers. (and be a tall blonde woman).
It's cold. Hence the layers.

I really didn't do much here.  I don't think I really understood how to experience a city.  Also it unnerved me how expensive everything was..

The Magician's Assistant

If you have to make a choice between doing something and not doing something, always ALWAYS do it.  I've never regretted seizing an experience, even if it cost me something.  It's good for you to be nervous, and overcome it.  You don't have to wait to do something until your friends will do it with you.

Live music is always worth the money.  Experiencing a wholly different country than the one you were brought up in is always worth the money.

This doesn't count when you're buying material objects, clothing, a new blender, Persian rugs.  If you're not sure if you want it or not, it means you don't.

This is how I saved enough money to travel Europe for two months (solo for one month), and to make sure I enjoyed my time there to the fullest.

It's our one year anniversary today.  Heading to India in a few months to see him.  Can't believe I managed to make it to a year with anyone actually, especially given we've  been apart more than we've been together.   It helps that he doesn't try to keep me on a leash.  Encouraged me to travel to Europe, encourages me to go out dancing because he knows that's what makes me happy.  I'm so lucky to have him.

Heard this song in Serbia.  Vance Joy - Riptide.  His debut album (available this September) is called "God Loves You When You're Dancing", which I personally think is a remarkably relevant title.

lifeboat

trying desperately to make my apartment look put-together.  Stumbling through all my boxes and various treasures that I packed up over two months ago..

----
You: the room I run to during
tornado warnings,

highest point during
flood season,

the bloodbank
I frequent after

stabbings.

I am a  river slow-winding its way to the
ocean

home.
your lips taste of

salt.

Huh

I have realized I really have no use for sightseeing. The leaning tower of Pisa, Statue of Liberty, blah blah blah. I like people, and I like dancing, wherever in the world I am. Despite traveling all over Europe for the past month and a half I must say that the summer I spent in one of the crappiest parts of Thailand (Phuket) was much much better than this one.  Thailand was a three course meal. Europe is me stuffing candy in my mouth. Don't get me wrong I've been having a blast... I just don't spend enough time anywhere to really develop closeness with anyone, and I miss that.  

Sorry it's been a while

So I've been in about... 8 countries since I've written last. Learning a lot. Constantly on my toes. Will give you a country by country rundown soon...

Halfway through my 16 hour shift. Didn't get enough sleep last night and I'm crabby and weepy and just.... Gah. I can't do double shifts. Why would I do this to myself. I have to constantly bite back anger.   Really frustrated.

Leaving for NYC in a week. Can't even work up any excitement right now.

To any relevant witnesses

I am not at all single. I thought I could be. I thought that was what I wanted and who I was. Turns out, I am in love.  I can no more be single than I can chop off an arm. Glad to figure this out before something got amputated. I'd hate to wake up in ten years going "whatever happened to my left arm?"

Thank god I'm getting out of this with all my limbs intact.

bowl of thoughts

I'm not depressed. I think I'm just... waiting.  To be there again, where I know I'm in the right place.

Fargo just isn't it.  Maybe the salsa festival in Croatia.  Or maybe I have to wait until India.  I wish I could believe in inhabiting the present moment, instead of waiting for the future to bring me a better one.

I want to be completely comfortable and happy.  Few places give that to me.  Some people do, but they have mostly left Fargo.  hm hm hm.  Need a change.  Leaving to Europe in two-ish weeks.  Well first comes New York City which is sort of scary.  I believe that most people are decent people.  So why would I be scared of getting assaulted or whatever?  I'm not really.

I don't really worry about anything.  Unlike my parents (but maybe that just happens when you have children.)

hm. hm hm.  Wish I could  be a more fun friend and roommate.  Getting so boring and home-bodyish.

I need the ocean to go stare at, 4 AM, no fear.  I need dancing, barefoot and rained on.  I need people who get me.

I should just be happy.  My job lets me travel.  Even if I have to clean up feces to get the money to do so.

No.

“The first time a man slapped me on the ass, I was fourteen years old, bussing tables at a family restaurant.
Catcalls make me jump out of my skin. I have never figured out how to take them as a compliment.

When I learned that “no” did not always stop slipping lips and wandering hands, I was sixteen. I was told that it was my fault for being tempting. I haven’t left the house with shorts on for years. It makes me nervous to be alone somewhere with another person when I have a dress on.

I always get uncomfortable when men make jokes about why women go to the bathroom in groups. Nobody likes to hear that we are taught from the youngest age that we should never go anywhere alone.

The second time that “no” did not stop someone, my date pulled up in front of my house and hit the door lock, wrapped his hand around my throat because I told him I just thought we should be friends.

The third time, I was sprawled out on a hammock in the front lawn with a man I’d been out with a handful of times. When I first said “no”, I thought maybe he didn’t hear me. “Please no, please don’t”. “Please no, please don’t.” “Please no, please don’t.”

Once I was told by a man that it was my fault if he ever went too far because his brain was wired like an animal. I didn’t argue. Can you believe that I didn’t argue? I wanted to say that even my dogs recognize the word “no”, but I was afraid of how he would react. I had to sit through the rest of the date with a smile on my face.

I carry my keys just to walk to the mailbox at night. I’m too paranoid to jog down my street alone.

I have been groped on the sidewalk. I have been groped at the bar. I have been groped on the bus.

The time I was followed all the way to my friend’s car by a group of men who stood around laughing and jeering and banging on the windows, not letting us pull out of the parking garage, was the last time I ever let a man buy me a drink at a bar.

I have men in my life who would call themselves my friends who have put their hands on my hips and my thighs without my permission. There is no question. They do not think they have to ask. They laugh when I bristle.

It took twenty-two years to realize only I had a right to my body.

I used to bite my tongue, but I do not say “no” quietly anymore. I bark my discomfort like an old dog, weary and uncomfortable even in its sleep.”

— "this is not a fucking poem; it is an outrage (I Spent Twenty-Two Years Trying To Be Nice About It)" Trista Mateer

real life

my best friend is the best dude in the whole world.  And the only dude (except family) that I can honestly say I love platonically.  

I'd pay for everything again, you know. College.  I can't imagine anything more valuable than the friends I have made here in the past four years.

HBTM

if you've ever heard me begin a sentence with "When I went crazy..."

we're pretty damn close, friends-wise.

It's my birthday today.  Thank you to everyone who got me through the past four.

this song is so good to slowjam to.

que lo que pasa aqui?

So my dance instructor tried to get it today.  We were dancing and he's getting closer and closer... the wall is behind me... I had to physically shove him away.  He later apologized for behaving "unprofessionally".    I know he has a girlfriend.  He doesn't know that I know that apparently.

What.

I guess I need to have our lessons somewhere more public.  My mom is all "YOU NEED TO STOP LESSONS NOW.  but I don't know. I'm leaving anyways soon.  And I'm really good at rejecting people (thanks to the OB).

Maybe I should just bring up his girlfriend in casual conversation.  I've  been the other woman before, unknowingly, and it freaking sucked.  I would never ever do that in cold blood.   At least he didn't push it.

But South Americans you know?  I wanna say they all cheat, because that's all I freaking see.  I'm sure there's gotta be some that don't  but where the heck are they?  I guess you don't come to America to be chaste and faithful.  ugh.

shut up and breathe.

I just have ONE eight page paper to hack out and then on to graduation  !!!! real life.  I wish I could pay someone else to do it for me.

I guess I'm actually an adult now.  Won't be in college anymore. But then again, "career" is still a dirty word to me. I cough loudly to avoid it. I wish people would stop asking me what my plans are.

Europe will be an adventure no doubt... but I do slightly wish I was just chilling in Fargo and reading all summer. Slightly, very slightly.  I'm only bringing one backpack... hope that won't prove to be a problem. As long as I have my passport and money I should be good right? Right?

dance upon the architecture

Man this breakup is not going so smoothly as I thought it would.  I can't acknowledge the fact that I may have made a mistake.  Like I gave away my winning lottery ticket..

and I sent all those letters to myself in the future about him, gahhh what a bad choice.

done.

on being single again:

I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of something high-up and beautiful.  Harsh cloud-studded sky-scraper of infinite possibilities.  I might fall or fly.  Safety is gone.  The only person I trusted more than myself was him, and now I’m back to being only one instead of half of both of us.  The sky is about to storm, but that’s the way it always looked best.  Even the rain reminds me I am whole.  Endings like this are graceless, I am messy with tears and apologies.  Truth:  I amputated something to jar myself loose.  Now there is only the open road of a question mark.  What comes next?


---

he was the most beautiful of beginnings. Bittersweet. Something gnaws at my heart and I try to ignore this thing that doesn't exist anymore, still wreaking havoc in me. please be bright.... the past is finally better than my present, so I am forced to put all hope in the future.

Begin. Bring me something better.

using up my swear quota for this blog.

If you're my friend, it's not cool for you to ignore me just because you showed up at the club with my douchey ex-boyfriend.  I never pull that shit with anyone.  


grr.  and now he wants a ride tonight.  I should tell him to walk.

I know what you're thinking when the bass starts...

I always feel  like I'm missing out.  Have to spend the whole day in the library doing research for a final paper, and people are DOING THINGS.  I should be doing things too.  Research isn't a real thing.  I'm here alone and I should be conversing with people.  I haven't had a real conversation in a long time.  Every time anyone tries to talk to me I just... "I'm GRADUATING IN TWO WEEKS."  That's all I can say, like a zombie on autopilot, that is the only thought in my head. eesh.  So anyways, I felt like missing out so I bought tickets to Exit Festival in Serbia and I'm pretty pumped about that. 

Also this song is catchy despite being one of those meaningless pop songs that nevertheless had us dancing on imaginary tabletops...