new birds

This makes me so happy-sad.   beautiful.

“She says she’s been going out with him now for about two and a half years, but they don’t live together so he’d never find out. And you think about chasing her about school when you were wee and lying in your bed and listening to love songs and pretending they were about you. And the first time you asked her out she said no but one night you went to a wedding and when you came back to the pub she’d changed her mind and you went out. You remember the way she swung her arms when she held your hand but you can’t remember how she kissed and now you’ve got the chance to find out.

But you have to remember there’s this other kiss. And she’s sitting at home, wondering where you are and what you’re doing. And you work hard on this kiss and you know it inside out, it’s as much yours as it is hers, and it took a long time to get right, it took months of practice and months of embarassment but now you’ve got it perfected and you’ve been looking forward to that kiss all week.

You can see her breath in the air between your faces as you stand in the leaves and she just asks you straight out if you want to come and stay at her flat. But you make sure you get separate taxis and you go home and there might be a slight regret and maybe you’ll wonder what you missed but you have to remember the kiss that you worked so hard on - and you’ll know you’ve done the right thing.”

the contest of madness

you have done well
in the contest of madness.
you were brave in that war
you have all the honourable wounds
of one who has tried to find love
where the beautiful bird
does not drink

may i speak to you
like we are close and
locked away together?
once i found a stray kitten
and i used to soak my fingers
in warm milk,
it came to think i was five mothers
on one hand

traveler
why not rest your tired body?
lean back and close your eyes.

come morning
i will kneel by your side and feed you.
i will so gently
spread open your mouth
and let you taste something of my
mind and life

surely
there is something wrong
with your ideas of the
beloved
if you think
the beloved would not be so
tender


–Hafiz

I think I'm gonna go the courthouse route for getting married in the U.S.  He wants a huge Indian wedding though, which I am completely cool with since I don't have to organize it or pay for it.  And more dancing.

Was gonna post something different, but Beyonce is the queen after all.  And I'm crazy in love right now.

Long distance relationships suck.  I mean, of course I wish he was here.  But then again...

I'd rather be dating him across 7,196 miles than dating anyone else here.

Couchsurfing + good music

So far I've found two people to couchsurf with, one in NYC, and one in Copehagen (Denmark).  They both seem like cool people.  Hopefully my boyfriend is cool with me staying with random dudes.. They both have a ton of references so I feel safe.

Couchsurfing.org is a website where you can either host travelers... or just stay with random strangers as you travel the world.  I only contact the ones who have hosted many times before.  My brother used to host people a lot, and they were always really cool

Anyways I was feeling quite drained and bored with life but now I remember that I'm gonna be all over Europe this summer and I don't feel so bad.  Even though my boyfriend left for India this morning and I won't see him till December. meh.

Also I keep having odd dreams about Tomorrowland.

Guess I'll be going to India this December, assuming our relationship can survive till then.

Tips for True Love

   2.  Find someone who is good at apologizing.

   1.  Be someone who is good at apologizing.

accomplishments and bemoanments

This weekend I:

• worked 8 hours
• wrote 2 papers
• wrote 3 poems
• went to church (that's where I wrote the poems so two birds/one stone I guess)
• did my laundry
• PUT AWAY MY LAUNDRY
• cooked a huge pot of soup
• cleaned my room, took out garbage
• blew off a few people who wanted to hang out with me
• skyped with my boyfriend
• browsed the internet again and again and again.

I look so much more productive on paper.  I feel like all I did was stare at my computer.    I need to not be addicted to the interwebs.  I need to hang out with people instead of canceling on them, Friday night I did nothing at all except skype with him. I'm becoming a boring person or sad maybe.  It's a small sad though.  It pales in comparison to my dark times of the past, so I don't really count it.

Nostalgia: I miss the beach.

can't do it alone

I love this song.

How do you know if something is a mistake, or an actual character flaw that is really gonna Eff up your entire future with someone?

Time.

spine

Romance

know your enemies

dedicate songs to them,
dance the last number with
jealousy, a slow waltz,
low murmured headrush

lean against
the doorframe,
touch selfishness briefly on the mouth

take anxiety home and
leave quietly at dawn before he
traces your spine and pulls you

closer


---
as always I find myself finally able to write when I attend church.  very odd.  I like this one though :)

mer

Writer's Block is the most satisfying beast to kill in the whole world I think.  A lot less species would be endangered if hunters would have only picked up a pen instead of a gun.

Happy Valentine's Day!  This is the first time I've made it this far with anyone and that makes me exceedingly joyous.

Writer’s Block

I am not broken
anymore

rainbows only bleed from
cracked glass, I am none of this

my creative beasts have chewed
their way out of me,
who will cook?

whose claws will mutilate printer paper
into soggy, squalling origami?

who will hold my head down, under the ink
watching the bubbles float up until I finally
thrash-up
gasping
?

my scars are almost gone
and
there is no ink in the larder

slowly

cleaning my house because the possible future grandmother of my babies is coming over Sunday... and.... I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER! An expensive one!  I hope it works well or I'll be sad.  This is something I've always wanted: a really nice vacuum cleaner.  I'm overly excited.

This is how I plan a eurotrip... by poorly drawing a map of Europe.

Boyfriend's mom is giving me advice on relationships and marriage so

I guess she likes me?

!!

wish me luck as my boyfriend's mom is coming here from India.

I had no idea there would be a family audition so fast... ayeeeee.  I gotta remember my formal Hindi so I can be respectful.


ARGHHH FAMILY AUDITIONNNN.

just convince me now

my head is all over the place.  This is helpful.

also, (perhaps even moreso)

 I'll be honest I'm only in college because I should be, i.e. for my parents, and for the rest of the family.  And because I have a large scholarship.

The experiences I've had I wouldn't trade for four years of traveling.  University has been a blast.  But I am so glad to finally be done and FREE.  Well in May.

I think once I get back from Europe I'll take a weekend off every month to go somewhere in the U.S. and do a dancing workshop, probably salsa.  I need to meet people who like to dance and travel, then I won't have to go solo so much.

I just want to dance, always.  I think that's all I'm going to do when I graduate (along with keeping the job at the old folks home).  I wish I could do it for a living.

dancedancedance

I really need to get skinny before Tomorrowland comes around.

Because... yes. I have tickets.

They are rich kid tickets though, not the tent ones for camping out :(  Which is sad because I'd rather camp than be around kids who got there with daddies money.  Oh well.  I can hang out with rich kids too.  At least it's 18 plus so there will be no babies there.

I worked hard for this.  I work all the time.  I don't care that I just blew a bunch of money... this is going to be so worth it.  I cannot wait to dance,    LKGORIJLKJGOWIJLKJWG.

Anyone out there traveling solo and want to hang out with me? Or traveling not solo?  

See You from the Dirt

The Caves or Dream

we hit the ground two years ago and

haven’t stopped crawling

since

defrocked butterflies, a teaspoon

away from drowning

in soil and rain

come lay beside me,

we will count the stars through

mud-stained eyelids

the air will bite at

our grateful collarbones

as if flight might still

take us somewhere dangerous

-------

I really love this one.

Another cure for writer's block: Get someone to drive you around and listen to NPR (National Public Radio) whilst holding onto a large notebook and pencil (pencil can be small or large, does not matter).

Also, this is a song:

sorry it's been a while

I freaking love these refrigerator word things.  I cooked at my friends place and spent half the time mesmerized by the power of magnetic art.  

 Very very good for writer's block. but kept getting frustrated because I couldn't find the words I wanted.

 

went to bed at 8 PM woke up at 2 AM, now can't sleep

part of me believes we won't make it past February.  I've never made it to Valentine's day with anyone, much less the altar.  I don't trust my judgement.  My brain relies on sleep-deprived emotions rather than rationality.

I am afraid of boredom.  I am afraid of a lack of communication.

I think I like doomed relationships better.  Like a prison sentence that you know will end next weekend so you can get comfortable with the free food and cable.

Beginnings are so pretty.

I'm bad as half of a dual substance.

genetics or you know. Other things.

Thanks to my Grandma, my Dad, and my Mom, I am now:

A clean freak

A cheapskate

Crazy.


And proud of all of it.

Now let's just hope I inherited some good relationship skills from my other set of grandparents.  Very soon this will be the longest relationship I have ever been in.  Which means from here on out I'm in uncharted waters.

I MADE THIS THING.  My friend saw it, and he's all "Oh you made rangoli."  Which I have never heard of before, but so be it!

People keep judging me for liking this song. I don't care about them.

Memory

I miss this guy.  I still remember the night we were all out dancing in the White Room, he told me I was like a daughter to him.  It probably occurred to me at some point that I'd never see him again after leaving Thailand.  For one month, we were classmates, we were friends.  It was a motorcycle accident.   Love you John.  The world is worse off without you.  Thank you for lending me pens.  Thanks for the laughs, the advice, thanks for being my Dad away from home.

 All the cigarette boxes in Thailand have these nasty pictures of rotting teeth and body parts.  He once told me "Well I can't stop smoking now can I?  I have to collect them all."

we can't all be winners

I don't like being not invited to parties.  It reminds me of high school.  Even if the hosts are really only my acquaintances, aaaaaand I really shouldn't care.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still a little kid getting angry because my best friend sat by someone else on the bus.

Stupid.

Anyways, here is a nice French song.

Vacation is a word that means work.

When I did my laundry yesterday I didn't wash any actual clothes.  Only scrubs.  I have dreams almost exclusively about my residents.  Also had a dream that my elderly Arabic coworker borrowed my favorite scrub top and wrote "This belongs to Amy" in pen down the front so he'd remember to return it to me.   (I was surprised both that he had it without my knowledge and that he'd managed to fit into it, while at the same time not surprised at all at the fact that he'd want to wear a woman's scrub top).

I worry that this job will kill my back and I'll be hunched over trying to help people while bent in half.

 I don't know if I can be a CNA for the rest of my life.

A degree in University Studies is probably pretty freaking useless.


Good things:

Holiday Pay.
Overtime Pay.
I keep overhearing people saying nice things about me, because elderly folk are bad at judging how well I can hear them.

new!

Goodbye 2013.  You were more than good to me.

This year I:

1.  Traveled alone to Korea and Thailand. (+Jeju and Koh Phi Phi)
2.  Danced on stages in both places.
3.  Got certified to teach English in Thailand.
4.  Enrolled in my last semester of University.
5.  Bought plane tickets to Europe.
6.  Lost weight.
7.  Gained Weight.
8.  Ate the equivalent of 3 tons of seaweed.
9. Danced.
10. Wrote.
11.  Fell in love.
12.  Met amazing, amazing people.

and most importantly..... (drumrolllllll)

Learned to NOT GIVE A FLYING @#$%& what people think of me! BaZINGA.

walking the streets alone thinking of you til dawn

ch ch ch chaaaanges

One day you're all, "I'm so happy being single, I'd be fine never getting married" and thinking about traveling the world and how awesome life is without a boyfriend/husband to boss you around.

And then you're in an apparently long-term and very long-distance relationship that your parents don't approve of.

Dag, yo.


Also have you ever heard of Pomskies? They're half Pomeranian, half Husky.  Friggin' adorable.

So cute. So, so, so cute.

Your thoughts still bring flowers for my brain

The sunshine is still here, just... reflected back.  I am the moon tasting of the sun in the nighttime.  The past distorts, shines brighter, cuts deeper, gives off radiation so strong my hair falls out.  Everything grows back, eventually, but sobriety is a far cry from dawndrunk and I am still waiting for sunrise.  I am a starfish cut in half.  Half of me takes a plane to New Jersey. Half stays here.  I cook half of what I would be cooking, I drive my car half as much.  You are out there living the rest of what I should have.  You go out.  I work.   I go out.  You look for work.  I search for a window back to you.  The internet connection is slow and I think of turtles and weddings and a steady income to raise two children on.  I wait.  See you soon is a drastic overstatement.  I will see you.  That is all.

love

what is this? what what what.
so beautiful.   Rumi is always beautiful.  always contemplating changing my religion to rejoicing Sufism.

----------------

A spirit that lives in this world
and does not wear the shirt of love,
such an existence is a deep disgrace.
Be foolishly in love,
because love is all there is.

There is no way into presence
except through a love exchange.
If someone asks, But what is love?
answer, Dissolving the will.

True freedom comes to those
who have escaped the questions
of freewill and fate.
Love is an emperor.
The two worlds play across him.
He barely notices their tumbling game.

Love and lover live in eternity.
Other desires are substitutes
for that way of being.
How long do you lay embracing a corpse?
Love rather the soul, which cannot be held.

Anything born in spring dies in the fall,
but love is not seasonal.
With wine pressed from grapes,
expect a hangover.
But this love path has no expectations.

You are uneasy riding the body?
Dismount. Travel lighter.
Wings will be given.
Be clear like a mirror
reflecting nothing.

Be clean of pictures and the worry
that comes with images.
Gaze into what is not ashamed
or afraid of any truth.
Contain all human faces in your own
without any judgment of them.

Be pure emptiness.
What is inside that? you ask.
Silence is all I can say.
Lovers have some secrets
That they keep.

—Rumi

come back

come back and fix everything.

------

chaos soup

my thoughts don’t seem to press well together, now a dirty tangle of threads instead of the once-bright tapestry.  I can’t think what picture must be woven, the one so clear to me a week ago today is dim as dreams, thick fog, impenetrable.  (I was somewhere else) or Soon, I will find myself waking up, shaking sweating and relieved.  I will pour myself into your arms.   “I had the worst dream....”  Reality will be blinding us, sunrise through picture windows.  This will not happen.  The only present-tense that weakens my eyesight is darkness. I feel my way through four hundred days, scrape my shin on five hundred and seventy six thousand minutes, the miles an impossible maze between us.  The time, moreso. This is not anguish.  This is dull, confused, gray-skies ache.   Your “I love you” feels more like a bruise than a promise.  I am becoming far too skilled at goodbye poetry.

this will make you cry

well, maybe... if you're in the right mood..

http://zenpencils.com/comic/128-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists-advice/

snow

Just got my first smartphone EVARRRR, a going away present from my boyfriend (it's his old iphone).  I spend all day googling "best free apps"  and just generally wasting time under the pretense of "this will get my life organized."

It's pretty magical.  And time-consuming.

Here is something very disjointed, perhaps you will like it. (Not sure if I do yet, but feel the need to post something of substance.

Open

I’ve been meaning to ask you
whatever happened to your
picture window heart?

such a bold move
everyone thought you were
crazy

all that glass

there are too many stone-throwers 
too many blunt objects

you were the bravest one
no bars, no gate

the fresh air always came in
through spiderweb cracks

you were the opposite of claustrophobic
the sky poured in and
you inhaled everything

chased bruises
caught them and wore them
as heavy clothing
that could get you through
the winter