Social Skills 101

BRAGGING IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA


ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

(okay unless you're writing a resume)

There are so many more interesting things to say.  Funny things.  Stupid things.  Clap your hands and bark like a seal for all I care (actually half the time that might even be your best option).

Your parents are the only people who benefit from hearing about your achievements.  As social skills go, this is something you should master.

The mouth that bites

I always wonder about couples who are constantly crabbing at each other. Do they act like that when they are alone?  I want to avoid that rut.

Why do I always think that I will be able to maintain a better relationship than my parents can/could?

Timing is pretty crucial I guess.  All my relationships have lasted less than a year, so clearly I'm not the expert.

So this is a series of haikus I wrote for my creative writing class.  As usual, the title disappoints me but oh well.

trust

do not be afraid
to starve the mouth that bites you
keep your limbs intact

do not feed the wolves
elbows and fists are weapons
that you might not need

treat fear as a guest
that has overstayed all your
hospitality

when you cannot run
from the clawings of monsters
then you must bite back

things I don't care about

"being successful" has no appeal to me.  I don't understand people who want to make it big, to become rich.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to selling things.  Marketing is the last thing I'd ever do.

My friend/acquaintance is trying to sell me on something called vemma or something like that and it's just so strange.  It's a terrible thing to make money by taking it from other people in exchange for things they don't need and probably never even thought about before you got in their faces with advertisements and glowing testimonials.

Vemma sells things. That's all I caught from what he was telling me. I think it's the kind of thing where you convince other people to sell it too, and then you make money off them as well.  He really really really wants to talk to me about it on campus tomorrow though so I guess I'll know more then.

Why not get a job that actually provides a needed service? gah.   I won't go so far as to say I hate people who chase success, it just mostly creeps me out.

Also there's a crazy cheap travel deal if you're thinking of going to Europe, or you're traveling between countries over there:  norwegian.com.

Got my round trip ticket to Denmark.. about 600 dollars :D. Of course, now I have to get to New York City anyways so I don't know how much money I really saved haha.

terms and conditions

do you accept these terms and conditions?

I should have made you
sign a contract

I promise this won’t mean
anything

not even if I’m sober
not even on swingsets at midnight
river walks during floodstage

I promise you I won’t read between
the out-loud

I promise you I won’t give you my best
“let’s still be friends”
like an excuse
a bone thrown to the
most undernourished of dogs

(don’t treat me like
someone who needs
the pleasant lies of
anesthesia

this is not a disguise for
pain)

this is indifference
and we can have it
too

promise

---
hmmm hmmmmm reading through some of my older poetry and it is VEH HEH HERRY interesting how I used to feel about certain things.

It bothers me that I don't even remember who I was talking about at certain points.

sometimes the rain is easier to trust than whatever half assed sincerity you’re trying to sell tonight.  what could be less complicated than two hydrogens and an oxygen? Science is honesty.  You? More unpredictable than lightning, and I never stay in the same place long enough to get struck twice.  You’re out.

I can only guess who that was about.

saltwater

it took decades
to sharpen your spine
into something that
doesn’t crack on the
high notes

now surrounded by
 eight octaves of pain
through the crescendo of a
phone call

(her daughter is in a coma, it would not be
prudent to
even
visit
stay home
they say

stay
home)

you don’t abandon ship,
leave her to cry alone

you don’t even
flinch

----
I have only developed a few immunities.  It's mostly that I wince.  I wince and I try not to let anyone see that things still hit me hard, even after being in this job for over half a decade.  I believe in the power of back rubs. I hold hands with old ladies (and old men for that matter) because being alone is shitty.  Falling asleep by yourself, alone, can be downright awful, especially when you aren't completely sure how long you are going to be around, or who might be there in the morning to help you get up.

Also everyone should watch the netflix original drama "Derek".  That show is golden.

hashtag clearly attached

man I really missed the early AM's.  Nothing I'd rather be doing than discussing heaven and hell on the kitchen floor with near strangers and not strangers.

We threw a party.

I miss good talks. So tired of gossip. on and on and on. I need to really really really just talk to someone.  Will make that happen this week.

I feel a bit stagnant.  Oh well, that can't last forever.  Either I get bored enough to take drastic measures, or I just hold out until I leave for Europe.  (Less than a year!)  I don't even particularly want to go there if I can't get Tomorrowland tickets, but I'm sort of locked in to backpack throughout the whole place with my friend. Oh well, it will be fun, even if its not my first choice travel destination.

(Will I be single then?  Do I need to know at this point?)

I can barely imagine having a good reason to not be with him.  Man. being single.  I used to be so comfortable with it, but I don't know how I could transition back to that.

 

Rise Up

It's a crying shame that I have never been in a fight. I am freaking TWENTY ONE years old. At this point it's almost getting embarrassing.  I'm taking a self defense class this month though, so maybe I'll have the guts to take on a street harasser next time I'm downtown.  I've been reading a lot of comic books lately (Avengers, X-men and Deadpool if you cared to know), which is maybe why I feel like I should be fighting someone in ... hand to hand combat!

Let me feel your heart be going crazy

Did some art this weekend, not quite finished yet, but will post.

everything is still perfect... Still waiting for something to unbalance me.

will we cross or be aligned?

had to delete these poems. thinking of entering them in a contest
---

I'm writing cheesy things much too often because I am a teenage-girl in February.  Hopeless.

open your eyes

"What if the magnificence of who we are was no longer held captive by the fear of decision? Between two choices, whichever choice you make will be the right one made. The path you are on, you cannot fall off no matter how hard you try. So call this the year of no mistakes. The year of the heavy sword, but stronger hands. The year where we are no longer stuck in the street but found somewhere between the asphalt and the moon. Inside a sheath of arrows turning itself into wind. 

-Anis Mojgani
_______________________________________________

A golden oldie from way back in the day when I was first getting into music.

hum.

gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous

 The problem with being at the top of the mountain is you can only go down.  The view literally cannot get better for me right now... not without a total loss of control (but now I'm just being obscure).  I would tell anyone the details of my "troubled past" (as he calls it)  but I am so hesitant to put it out there on the internet.

Things are really freaking good and this just can't last.  What kinda sorcery would let me be this happy forever?

Reading this article http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/27-survivors-of-sexual-assault-quoting-the-people-who-attack makes me want to fucking cry.  I did cry.

Here's the video if you aren't into reading / looking at pictures.

Resiliency is a powerful thing.  I can only pray that I never have to be strong in this way.

dewaana

Everything has been going right for me.  My 2 PM class got canceled today, I got the good list at work, and I am supremely happy in essentially all areas of my life.


Do you think by being happy you somehow generate good luck for yourself?  Why are all these good things happening to me?


I have the next four days off. Time to make something happen.

have some music!

parachute

I'm so into this dude.  I don't know what to do with this level of vulnerability.  I don't even recognize my brain right now.  ayeeee! bring it on, life!  I am happy to throw some dice with you!

The song is Roll Right Over by Eye Alaska in case this gets deleted like the first time I posted it.

the farthest thing from poison

half of moving on is knowing you will. Once the possibility exists in your mind, the rest is comparatively easy.  I believe in the impermanence of everything, especially sadness. It’s what's kept me alive through the winters. Ice and ice and ice and ice, even snowblind I still believe in sun. I have a postal-service commitment to waking up every morning until I no longer have to force myself. Until the sun ignites my the fog in my veins.  Until my skies are cleared for takeoff.


--

Hope is knowing I will always always always achieve happiness again,  no matter the situation in the meantime.

My roommate's birthday was this Saturday.  So here's the most chill Chinese song that I have ever heard.

What Does the Fox Say?

I have to write a 4-6 page piece of nonfiction for my creative writing class.

Was thinking of doing a series of vignettes on my old people (working at a nursing home blah blah blah etc.) but she specified that there HAD TO BE A PLOT which kinda shoots that down.

Other option: write about my skeletons, write about going crazy.  (and have people know this about me.)  I made this mistake last year in poetry class, first poem had to be a personal poem.  She read mine in front of the whole class, and I understood  on a very deep level the word "mortification".

I could write about Thailand but that just feels like bragging.

I could write about men.  But that is just too overdone.  And given current circumstances, also looks a lot like bragging.

meh.  Might just skip class Tuesday and stay home and hash it out.

speaking of being happy, speaking of men, speaking of beautiful moments that songs remind me about....

I know... you already know this one... but this blog is for me not for you.

I don't know if you've heard of Ylvis, but you will have soon, so allow me to introduce you if you haven't already met. One of the few songs that my roommate will dance to without being forced which marks it as a very worthy song indeed.

everything is up in the air crazy
watching things wide-eyed to see where they will land

anything I do changes everything, the whole course of things and I am a blindfolded child.  Lashing out at a rat-poison filled pinata.  What do I do?

standing at the edge of this abyss screaming

I DON'T KNOW.

stutter

I guess I need to ask myself whether I care what people think of me.  And the unfortunate answer is yes, yes, and hell yes.

There are some people who are trying to live well, be happy, and not screw anyone over in the process.

And then there are some people who employ a vicious fascination with other people's lives.  I'm scared of these ones.  Like mad dogs.  When do you get old enough to lose your fangs?  My life is not meat.  I wish I was strong enough to bite back.

I feel so off-balance and helpless. Like everything is just happening to me and I can't even react in a meaningful way.

I'm still these nervous feet and heart of stone

I miss Thailand less and less... The one thing is the dancing.  If I was walking down the street in Fargo, heard music, and started busting it... I would get locked up most likely.  But in Thailand? Heck naw.  I could dance wherever/whenever, and there was always someone who would join me.

and oh, the ocean.  Except invariably when I wanted to stand at the edge and watch the waves late at night, someone would ALWAYS ALWAYS come and insist on trying to make small talk.  I had no patience for it.

 I should take a meditation class or two.  No one would come up and make small talk with me if I was in deep meditation in my room.  hopefully.

I'm sort of really into a dude.  I cooked for him which I rarely do, even for myself. eee! crazy.

hum

I spent the first

two decades of my life

trying to guess the meaning of

“home”

I won’t spend the next chapter

trying to escape

wherever

whenever

whoever

I rain on into the refraction-after

into the shine that comes only when

the thunder’s washed everything deaf

I tarnish myself through

the kinds of situations I’m later told

I should have avoided

bruise me selfless

polish my exterior

with your diamond knives

I only get softer

pain breeds wakefulness

I dream through all shades of

daylight

-

wrote this a while ago. I am so numb right now. Need to remember how to live wildly and I really really just wanna ditch this place. escape.

"Why are you single?"

It's the million dollar question isn't it?  Truth be told, I don't trust anyone enough for a cage. I don't think I ever could. I want to run when I feel like it.  I want the option to purchase plane tickets on a whim and just go. Anywhere. I don't want to have to check in with someone, to constantly call, text, skype, etc.  I want to be my own person.

andddd the fact that there are like a MILLION hot new Brazilian students at my university might be having an effect on my lovelife choices too.

back to normal life

Conversation with one of the old ladies at my nursing home:

Her:  What do they call toilet paper in Thailand?

Me: Well... they call it toilet paper....I guess.

Her:  I bet they call it butt-wipe!

(laughs uncontrollably)

Me:

(laughs uncontrollably)

---

I freakin' love my job.

(what are you waiting for?)

Me: "Well  in five years if we're both still single, we should get married so you can get American citizenship."

Him:  "That's a good idea, thanks Amy"

-------------------------------------------------------
my shoulderblades have

sharpened

then softened

now the most reckless

of vulnerabilities

I have 

broken-glass battle scars

from

dancing barefoot in dirty streets

drunk off the

wind in my veins

since the day I 

killed the past with

sunlight

WOAHHHH I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW IT BUT YOU'RE FINE SO FINE

It's six AM and I can't sleep.  Jet laggin' like none other.  Transitioning back to the U.S. hasn't been so hard yet.  I have missed some things in the past two months.  Mostly people, but the fact that I can dance without paying exorbitant prices for drinks is a nice little bonus.  In Thailand I often got kicked out of bars because I wanted to dance without buying anything.

I no longer feel like I've left the past behind.  Fargo is full of people that know too many personal things about me.  Eek, I wanna get out again.  Cue the obsessive internet searches for plane tickets.

Was talking to my brother, and apparently my parents were so worried about me while I was gone that they were losing sleep.   This makes me feel kind of awful, although it wouldn't have changed anything had I known. This is something I had to do. Why worry about something you have no power over? It must have something to do with having kids. I remain every joyful about my lack of uterus-spawn.

Besides, Patong is full of cops.  No one there wants to mess up their source of income (tourists).  I always felt safe, even walking home in the early AM, alone.

On my last day, I met a Thai taxi driver who was impressed with my (very limited) grasp on the Thai language.  I wanted to cross the street and traffic was pretty bad, so he had me take his arm, and  walked me very slowly across the street (with a huge line of cars zooming toward us) while humming the wedding march.  That sort of comical openness to strangers is something I will miss.   I suspect it would have been even better in the non-touristy parts of Thailand (although the language barrier would be terrible).  

Fun fact: There is no road rage in Thailand. They are crazy/dangerous drivers, sure. But they don't get angry if you are in their way/driving too slow/whatever.  They simply slow down, or try to get around you.   Fargo traffic seems absurdly tame, as if every car is driven by a very careful, very ponderous old lady.

I will go back. Not to Patong, but definitely to Bangkok, Chiang Mai, and some of the tropical islands.  I so wish I could sleep right now. ugh.

Teaching English

After teaching my class yesterday, my instructor/observer told me he couldn't find any mistakes in my teaching process.  So I'm insanely proud of myself right now, and so, so happy..  I think I want to teach English in Japan. Of course, I'm basing this solely off the fact that my Japanese students I taught last week are so crazyawesome.

I love teaching.  I always thought maybe I'd be bad at it, but now that I know I'll do fine, the world is my freakin' oyster.

Every other night here is a going away party as we all slowly drift homewards or on to new travels.  I leave Sunday.  Can't wait to be back, can't stand to leave.

Part of a sample lesson plan : (the fun, drawing part)

 Koh Phi Phi!  Paradise

I love watching the sunset in Patong... everywhere else it seems so violent, but here it's golden and soft.  All the little mermaid babies (i.e. children) frolic in the waves and it may be the most picturesque thing I've seen.

bust it

favorite favorite favorite Japanese dude in the whole world.
This kid is one crazy dancer.  If you are coming to Patong Beach, Thailand, I highly recommend the Banana Discotheque.  Spent an amazing couple of hours here.

I think I remember that I loved to dance in high school, but I don't think it was an obsession like it is now...  Nobody in Mott ever really danced, some did (poorly) if they were drunk.   I don't know how I learned to dance while growing up without a tv set, surrounded by non-dancing friends.

“When I dance, I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole, that is why I dance."

-Hans Bos

paradise

I only have one week left in Thailand.  Everything has been perfect.  The people I've met, the places I've been, my students, my fellow teachers.  I have danced on the beaches of a tropical island, on the dirty Bangla road, in backstreet bars with Thais who have no customers since it's the tourist off season.  I've gotten into dance-offs in the rain, and taught fire-dancers and waiters how to swing-dance.  I hit clubs with my crazy Japanese students, and sang/screamed so hard that my voice didn't come back for days.   I have gotten into the strangest of conversations on subjects ranging from dreams to other universes to quantum physics.  I have walked the beach late nights with the best people. I have laughed harder than I would have thought possible.  Oh and I'm almost certified to teach English.

There is so much shit in my past that I've been trying to escape.
Think I finally half-managed it :)

from always and forever to never again in less than a blink

“Don’t trust your choices, run when you get sore. Eager for the next chapter, still stuck in the one before. You could turn this city into a new town, as long as you find someone new to be around.”

-Micheal Larsen

I'm my own unfinished business

I’m overwhelmed and under-glazed
I’m making vases out of snakes
I’m a kiln half-full of mistakes
When kneading it, air’s overlooked
It’s gonna crack when it gets cooked
So self-forgiveness is the key
They’re re-sculpting my sanity
Mindfulness, humility
And taking time to care for me

-The Uncluded

gold-painted lemons

Please put your shoes on and step into that warm weather.

Go get yourself a more better forever.

Gotta put it down, you gotta leave it,

And don't ever come back again; You gotta mean it.

Just tear it all apart and build new,

Cause' if you don't kill him he's gonna kill you.

You can't hold hands when they make fists,

And I ain't the first to say this but,

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

-Slug