GO AWAY!

babes yall know I'm too lazy to post here AND on wordpress... so I apologize... but I live there now.  This is an empty house.  Admittedly with a lot of old and not-so-old papers lying around but still.

Latest post:  Promise that You'll Never Be Lonely

new home

Hey babes been exporting to my new wordpress blog troutpasta.wordpress.com  and let me tell you it is a PAIN, because all my youtube videos are magically not embedded anymore and I have to go through and put them into the html with embed coding gahhh.


That's where I live now.  Apparently wordpress is better.  Not sure about that, but we'll see.

New Years rezzzzezzzz (less stupid crap/waste, more personal growth)

Well now that I discovered Fargo Library has FREE ACCESS TO ROSETTA STONE (and mango but that's slightly less revolutionary)...

1.  My first res(v)olution is to do at least 4 lessons of Hindi a day (Two via Rosetta, two via mango). 

2.  Wash my hair less.  Currently it's once a day but I can save a lot of money on shampoo/conditioner/hair dye if I cut it back to 2-3 times a week.

 

3.  10 day purchase pause on everything I want.  I have seriously spent mad cash on so much stupid stuff.  Also check the return policy first and SAVE THE RECIEPT..   No new clothes (barring socks/underwear and shoes if the old ones break)

 

4.  Be comfortable without makeup on.  Get to the point where I can go to work without it. (That's gonna be hard.) I'm crazy dependent and it's not good thing.

 

5.  Start learning Chinese.  Perfect Spanish.

 

6.  Get rid of things.  Do this by putting them in a box... If I discover I never had to dig them out of the  box in a few months... they go.

 

7.  Stop clicking on stupid articles on the internet.  Which means I probably have to stop mindlessly scrolling through my facebook newsfeed. hmm.  Maybe limit myself to checking it only one in the AM/PM/NOC. 

Listen to this song (that can be your New Years Resolution)..

dadada

At this point in my life some of my friends are married or in long-term commitments... And when I talk with them it's all sunshine and roses and when-are-you-getting married.

Talk with the other half and hear about how stupid everyone is to get married this early, and how love is ephemeral and not worth pursuing..

pur-SPECT-ive.

Heard to get smug when there's so many thousands of miles between us.  Like I won the lottery but all the money is in an offshore bank and I can't access it very often.  can I just withdraw ALL of it. please.

In other news I know a lot of people in inter-racial and/or interfaith marriages/relationships and that makes me happy.  That's what's going to eventually unite us together.

Or you know.  We could just keep fighting each other until this planet kicks the bucket.

note

Heard some pogo last  night, thought it was nice and relaxing.  But watching their music videos is (although mesmerizing in the extreme) not all that relaxing .  As evidenced by this link HERE.


However.  This one is.  Or try the other link.  (choose your own adventure). WhatEVER. I'm not the boss of you.

Or maybe I am.  Put youtube on autoplay and just lay around listening to this shiesseeee all dayyyyy.

On another note, I hate it when I mention that I haven't heard of something (Like shin chan or pogo) and people respond with extreme shock like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!?!?!?!??!"

GAH YES I'M ACTUALLY JUST JOKING YOU IDIOT.  SORRY I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD WITH BOOKS AND NOT TV SINCE MY PARENTS WERE TOO CHEAP TO BUY ONE.  SORRY SORRY SORRY LET ME OFFER YOU A PERSONALIZED APOLOGY FOR MY DISCREPANCY.

man typing in all caps gets addicting after a while.

Sofas

Man I really MISS being able to write.  I really just don't anymore and that is so sad.  Anyways I read through all my journals from college (except the last year) and dang.  I miss writing.


Here is something 3 years old.  So glad I finally found someone worth being a happy lovestruck idiot for.


Dedications

For some people love means never being alone on Valentines day, maiming hearts into trees with pocketknives. For me love is this unattainable gold pot at the end of a rainbow tangled with hints of particularly putrid shades of browns and greens, you know, like a couch from the seventies... this is for all the ugly sofas in my life, you know who you are.  This is for the the end I'm still waiting for even though I'm pretty sure it's probably a myth or at least guarded by a heavily armored leprechaun named commitment-phobia

This is for everyone who taught me what love isn’t.

For every misstep on the ladder to happiness that left me with skinned knees and metaphorically knocked out teeth and for every time I doggedly struggled my way back up. I've lived my life like a romantic sitcom, dining on cliche-ridden late nights and so many cheesy pickup lines I give thanks to Cupid every day that I'm not lactose intolerant.

This is for all the men I can't have, won't have, have had, or taste bad. This is for all the Indians who won't date me because I'm not what an arranged marriage looks like, and this is for when I told you I didn't want to marry you anyways and I think that was probably the clearest definition of sour grapes that I've ever smashed into wine. This is for your mistaken notion that you are allowed to friendzone me two days after I cook for you.

This is for the oh-em-gee preteen-style butterflies that grew legs and feet and began to brutally kick at my heart instead of flutter. Every over-dramatic, he's-so-bad-for-me and all the good advice I ignored. I still can't stomach bitterness, I front like I'm a jaded skeptic but I can never quite pass as one, I will always be the happy lovestruck idiot in the room.

I've pretended I'm not being manipulated for so long that it's started to not matter either way.  I still refuse to believe those compliments were scripted even with his teleprompter smiles still echoing through my brain like the first time I realized that all my grandmother's decorative fruit was really just plastic. My veins pulse to the tune of every lie I can't let go of, starting with when you told me you'd always be around, waiting, like your heart was just gonna lie around on a shelf with the Christmas decorations until I felt like picking it up again.

This is for hearts that refuse to give up, catch up, or shut up. This is for the delirious crash and burn I've been chasing since before you met me. This is for the one who stuck around even when I wouldn't sleep with him and just kept saying “BAM, pregnant” whenever he mentioned it.

This is for love, real and imagined. Well in my case pretty much always imagined. This is for those of us too stupid to tell the difference, rocking enough poor judgment to fill a hallmark card store. This is for mistakes and refusing to acknowledge or learn from them.

This is for the the hook line and sinker crowd.

This is for living, life, flammability, and the pursuit.

Stumble on.

Tuesday Free Stuff

I recently found a coupon for this thing called "graze".  Basically the company sends you snacks based on your taste preferences.  I was just going to use the coupon to get a free box and then quit, but when I tried to cancel my subscription they gave me another half off my next box so I'll keep the service around one more week heheheh. (Not sure if I played them, or they played me, but the snacks are good so oh well).

Check it out at graze.com (two free boxes with code AMYB96K3B)

OTHER FREE STUFF I CAN OFFER YOU.  These three things are what I use all the time while traveling.  I can't even imagine not having these apps at my beck and call.

Taxi Services:

Uber  Use this code for $15 off your first ride : amyb1731

 Lyft  Use this code for $20 (I believe) off first ride: AMY464498

ANNNND my last offer is for $20 off for travel with airbnb with this link (click through the actual link for the discount):  airbnb.com

Also this song.  Which is also free.

Because whatever like I'm chill you know

Agreed to meet up with "the dude who once broke into my house" today. The following excerpt illustrates very neatly one of the many reasons why it never would have worked out between us, before he ever sat outside my door for a half hour incessantly calling and knocking.
 
Me:  You were such an A**hole to her.

Him:  But I was never an a**hole to YOU.

This is a problem. 

You have to be kind.

You don't get to decide some people are worth kindness and others aren't.   just. be kind.  It doesn't make you a good person because you're nice to your friends (or to women you want to sleep with).  Everybody does that.

Because I do not allow mean people in my life

(edited from using stronger language, I know some of y'all are not about that life, I got you, see those asterisks?)


Anyways it was a terrible conversation and eventually I just said  "You know what, I'm going to the bathroom I hope you're gone when I get back."


BAM.  I do have nice dramatic exit lines with him.  Four years later I still got it.

People are asking me why I would even consider meeting up with him and my answer to that is as follows: because I knew it would be interesting.  And it was.  It did get old pretty fast though.  He's an arrogant pile that is convinced he thinks deeper than everyone around him, so nothing has really changed.  Makes me appreciate the man I'm with even more.

Let other people educate you

If I see ONE MORE POST about how we must "keep refugees out to keep our families safe" I will LOSE IT.

This world is an awful, cruel place.


Lets try to make it less so.


Read this:  here

Also an exerpt from this status:

"When I was a kid I used to wonder why we let the Holocaust happen. Why we refused to allow Jewish refugees to come to America. But over the years I learned. When a Kuwaiti refugee family moved in down the street from me in middle school, I heard neighbors call the father a towelhead and a sandnigger, and I discovered that people were sometimes mean to people who were different. A couple of years ago, when desperate children came streaming across the border in search of a better life, I heard people call them vermin who would bring us diseases--and I discovered that some people can look at hungry children and see a problem that's not quite a human being. 

And now, when there are Syrian refugees in one of the worst humanitarian crises I have ever seen, I am discovering that some people are letting fear rule over all common sense or love. This is the simplest case of WWJD that I have ever seen, and we are all failing it utterly. So, 10-year-old Heather, that's how we let a Holocaust happen: we look at a group of people in need and we sneer at them for being too different, we dehumanize them, and we fear the possibility that they could hurt us. By, oh, I don't know. Shooting up a movie theatre. Or an elementary school. Or a college campus. Or a government building in Oklahoma. Something like that. And then we pick and choose Bible verses and tell ourselves it's smart to defend your family from evil. We skip the ones about loving our neighbor and not living in a spirit of fear."

won't waste a day less I'm wasting away with you

Not thinking about anything in particular.  Just basking in the quiet reality of a paycheck and two consecutive days off. 

more music.

Barometer

I can measure my happiness by two things:  My nails and my dreams. 

Short nails mean stress (because I've bitten them down).  Long nails mean contentment. 

Bad dreams mean my life is going super freaking well.  Good dreams mean I'm probably going through a bad time.

My dreams balance me out in a big way.  They keep my (alleged) bipolar from getting the best of me.

Seriously when do I get to say I'm not bipolar anymore?  It's been four years. 

Well it will be on Thanksgiving when I get to celebrate my four year crazi-versary.  Hah.


Hit up this youtube channel...for-real the BEST MUSIC.  MrSuicideSleep.  Or you can just follow along as I only plan to post songs from there for the forseeable future.

Letting go of Control

This blog post: In Defense of Letting Kids Talk Back is applicable to so many areas of my life and I ain't even child-rearing yet.

It's hard to not exert your will over others, if not through outright ordering, then through coercion and manipulation. Sometimes I just really really want one of my friends to go to some event or class with me, something they're not that into but I just know would be so fun for them.

I need to work on letting other people say no and letting that be enough.

Something from the comments:  "Not allowing people to say no in everyday life is basically erasing them as people." - Speedwell.

Feel that so hard.    My parents didn't discuss.  Their word was law.  I was a bratty kid. I always complained, argued, refused.  That wasn't... um... that wasn't encouraged.

And look at me now! Refusing alcohol and drugs on the regular! (Well usually just alcohol).  There was this guy I stayed with (my first couchsurfing experience actually) and he kept insisting that he had bought wine specifically for my visit so I had to drink it.  I explained why I don't drink, I said thanks, but it will just be wasted on me since I won't enjoy it, but he would not respect that.  In the end I took a glass, waited until he left the room for a minute, then dumped it down the drain.

People like this are one giant red flag.  Which is why I need to learn to not accept this behavior from others including and especially myself. Be the friend you want to see in the world, and all that.

I keep learning more about how awesome and important consent is.  Love it.

Found this song.. Somehow reminds me of the Postal Service.

love in all caps

Sometimes people just need to be looked in the face and made to feel real.


Love the old people.  Think I get more real every day from working there.

Also currently trying to learn this dance.

Tutorial: HERE (It's only for the first minute or so of the video)

Go. Brain spew.

I stayed in the town you're supposed to leave when you graduate.  I'm still here. Surrounded by college kids, so, so, out of place.

I know it's in my power to leave.  Got excuses, but let's be serious, there's nothing real keeping me here.

Most of the people I am comfortable with have been gone for a long time.

I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I miss the hardcore talks.  What can I do?  Trust does take time to build up, or maybe it's just chance that you'll meet anyone you can give your brain to and know it won't get regurgitated up backwards.  GET ME.  Just, understand... I feel like I'm on the moon desperately sending my radio signals into the expanse of nothingness.  Hear. Me.  It's this dance when you meet new people, not unlike flirting but how long does it take to get below surface talk.    How do I take you there without making you crazy.  This is why people do drugs together.  Smoke together.  I HATE the inanities of small talk... that hasn't changed.


I used to really use getting physical as a way to get behind all the boring I-don't-know-you-yet crap.  Easy for me to realize that now that I am celibate by long distance.

Ayya he should be here making everything better.


(I should know. How to make everything better for myself. )

California never felt like Home to me

I love this blog so much: Samantha Field.  Escaping fundamentalism improved my life to the hundredth degree and it is so so so so... POWERFUL to read about another Christian that doesn't believe in Hell either.


Excerpt:

"I understand where Chelsen is coming from with this. I no longer believe in the doctrines of Original or Inherited Sin, and I do not believe that hell exists. Without those, the evangelical understanding of the Gospel evaporates rather quickly. I no longer “witness” to “the lost,” and I’m am very much unconcerned with whether or not those around me are “saved.” For the evangelical Christian, this is probably the worst form of heresy. According to many evangelicals, I have probably forsaken anything resembling Christianity."

also THIS

blowing my mind. for real.

Oh and have this song.

28

Was talking with my previous roommate and she asked me if I've ever thought about going back to school...  Basically the conversation turned into me justifying my decision to stay in Fargo and work as a CNA.

I'm happy.  I get to take vacations whenever I want, for months at a time.  How many people get to do that?  I couldn't do the five days a week, two  weeks a year off thing.  I just couldn't. 

We started talking about the summer and how worried she was that I was becoming depressed then... Honestly I had forgotten all about it.  I was sad this summer. I can't believe I forgot about that. 

So now I'm thinking too much, trying to figure out why specifically I was so out of it this summer.  Maybe because I didn't take any solo trips.  Maybe because I didn't have my own room, or because people kept canceling on me when I tried to make plans. 

Or maybe my brain is just that way.  Sends me down into the abyss sometimes.  It's okay though.  I can always see the light up there.

Hmm.  Don't know.

cactus bicycle seat.

So whenever I'm on a phone call with my boyfriend and the conversation is kinda stunted we do questions from this article: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. I definitely recommend this list to people in long distance relationships... one question usually opens up the whole conversation, we generally don't get through more than one per day.


Anyways. Today's question was "If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?"

He didn't have much to say about that.  I have mostly one thing...  I wish there would have been talks about consent.

This blog:  http://samanthapfield.com  sums it up beautifully.

"Sex should not be a “duty.” It shouldn’t be an act we feel obligated to perform for other people. It should never be manipulated or coerced. It’s hard for each woman, individually, to operate inside this system where we’re beaten down into thinking things like I have to have sex with him or he’ll leave me.

But we shouldn’t accept this status quo. As the magnificent and wonderful Nicki Minaj put it: “I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that.” That’s the attitude that should be accepted and normal. Consent is only the absolute minimum baseline, not the goal. It should be so commonplace for women to be comfortable, and happy, and trusting, and respected during sex that anything else would be as incomprehensible to us as building a bicycle seat out of a cactus."

This is the first I've heard of something called "enthusiastic consent"  which means not bare minimum okay-whatever-yeah-do-it consent (or "grudging consent").

I love Feminism. For now for always. <3 p="">
Don't have any new music for you today, sorry.

If you're looking for Capital Letters YOU'RE HOME

The Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress was magical.  SERIOUSLY good dancing.  I was on a high for two days at work when I got back.  SPEAKING of which. 

I thought it would be fun in the airport line to try and guess who just came to Colorado for the pot, but I think most of the people were there for some football game.

Colorado used to represent a place for out-doorsy people.  Now apparently it's a place for out-doorsy potheads.  I didn't meet any though, or if I did they were hiding it well.  True potheads will definitely tell you.  That they like pot.  Almost immediately.


anyways. The dancing was colossal.  And many other adjectives.  The men were sometimes too forward (less in deed than in word) but it's fun to reject people and also good mental acrobatic training.. for instance.  Is this dude worth letting down gently or is he basically a douche?  Then there's a continuum of rejection where I can either be really nice about, or totally blunt and rude.   Ball's in my court. 

For example.

Dude:  So what are my chances percentage-wise for you taking me home tonight?
Me:  Well... On a scale of 1 to I-have-a-boyfriend, I'm about a ten.  Meaning I have a boyfriend, and your chances are zero. 

AND! AND! I had already told him that I was getting kind of creeped out by some of the blunt pick up lines that night.  I told him I didn't trust any of the men there and WHAT DOES HE ASK ME.  FREAKING A. 

Man.  This is why I love my boyfriend.  He would never have gone for these cheap lines.  I don't like men who think they're smooth.  Arrogance goes hand in hand with manipulation.  I don't have time for that.

Here is a video from the congress. This man is inspiring.  Wish I would have filmed him speaking about dancing.

"What are you rehearsing for?"  Get out there and dance.

feet

Well my feet have not completely healed from LA yet (seriously if you love to dance, buy the LOWEST HEELS you can FIND), but I'm on to the Denver Salsa Congress.

So pumped.

The classes I'm taking:

Spinning Class
Latin Jazz Fussion
Afro-Colombia
Afro-Cuban Fusion
Salsa on 1
Sexy Bachata (is there any other type?)
Ladies Styling
Latin Fussion
Unbelievable Dance Patterns
Afro-Brazilian Dance
Kizomba
Afro Latin Jazz Soul Experience (Bootcamp)
Pachanga (!!!!)
Ladies Styling Bachata



AYaaaa I'm so excited.

 

How beautiful German sounds compared to other languages

ahhahahahhah love it.

Life Goals

Getting pumped for the Denver Salsa and Bachata Congress.


Also. I taught my first lesson today.  It went well.  (Just to my brother and my roommate, but still.)

round and round

Well I came back from LA.  Ostensibly I can teach salsa now (at least to beginners) but that manifests mostly as teaching drunk people at parties.  I have a lesson on Wednesday for some friends.


Speaking of parties. I went to a house party made up of almost entirely Hmong people.  Freaking fun.  Dude teaching us Tai Chi on the porch.  Good dancing.

Any time people forsake the beer pong table for the dance floor is bound to be good.

You know, because I have such low expectations for Fargo, I get pleasantly surprised by it far more often than you would think.

Well last time I posted an Omi song it got crazy big later and I felt bad because that song freaking annoys me now, but this one is still good so have at it.

There's some things I have to say, and should post about, but it will have to be later.  I just don't feel it right now.

LA LA LA

Basking in the simple simplicity of having my own room again.  It's been awhile.

SO PUMPED TO GO TO L.A.!  Time to get the heck out of here!   Also I'm in love.  Such a lottery.  I won it. HA!

Impressions:  From the calm to the chaotically manic.

People still use the N word in gas stations.

I'm so tired of seeing this "All Lives Matter" crap.  No one is yelling at breast cancer awareness advocates, insisting that they include lung cancer as well.


Anyways in Germany, students are forced to look in-depth at the Holocaust.  They have to read the Diary of Anne Frank (every year according to one German woman I talked to) in school.


What did I learn about America's past in school?  I learned that we celebrate Columbus day.  The original illegal immigrant.

We brush slavery under the rug.

We pretend that we're all equal now, with equal opportunity.

I get so tired of this.

NPR has a fantastic article on this subject  here.

Educate yourself.

Also someone called my coworker a N**** in the gas station.  It's 2105 ladies and gents.

UGH.

Here's some Kizomba music.  Heard it at the Salsa Explosion in Minneapolis.

Tristam - My Friend

Getting excited to go to LA.

Slightly concerned about dressing for the nightlife.  As I am from North Dakota.  And I've never been to LA before.


OH WELL.

Reading a Kim Jong-Il production by Paul Fischer and it is incredibly fascinating.  Anyone interested in North Korea and exactly what the heck is happening over there should take a look.  I have to wonder where the author got all his information actually.

Coming to Terms with my Status as a Drifter

With my recent purchase of an air mattress, I officially am able to fit all my possessions in my Buick '92.    Almost four years ago when I had my mental breakdown I got rid of SO MANY THINGS and then it was crazy and a symptom of mania.

But now when I do it, it's normal, and a symptom of my commitment to minimalism.


"Normal".  Huh.  Anyways my year-long no-new-clothes ban is going well.  Had to buy new shoes for work, but that's allowed.    Haven't cheated since I got a  hat and tank top from Minneapolis consignment store gina + will, which was over a month ago.    Regret the hat, but the tank top is black and simple and therefore I've been using it every weekend or so.

Two days until our two year anniversary.  More than half of that has been long-distance.

Might have to move there.  I'm so tired of the loneliness.

Have been feeling scattered, perhaps because I have been preparing to be perpetually homeless as of yesterday.  Maybe also because the majority of my heart is in Delhi and I'm here.  Or the fact that I couldn't get shifts for September and am contemplating OTHER OPTIONS. Such as moving to Minneapolis, thus breaking my heart into more chunks and attempting to transfuse into new soil / or concrete.

I regret the lack of continuity in the post.

I really don't care enough to fix it.

bring color to my skies

 We met this guy earlier in the summer at the first Salsa Explosion event and then re-met him at the second salsa explosion.  Exchanged numbers because he's clearly an awesome dancer so I'll probably see him in the future.

ANYWAYS.

He called me today.  Out of nowhere.  I really don't do phone calls, they make me vaguely uneasy, even when I'm calling a close friend (which he is not).

Talked for about an hour.  Barely know him, but after I got the I-have-a-boyfriend bombshell out of the way we had a really good talk. 

People don't do that you know?  Just call strangers (unless they're trying to get it...)

 I really don't get all that much real talk lately.



Oh and I may move to Minneapolis sometime this next month.  Time for a change.  And I wasn't able to get the days that I wanted to work.  Got six shifts where I usually get 24. 

Hmm.

Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance

I was reading a very interesting book recently:

(here it is)

Absolutely fascinating.  Had an account of a religious group that grew out of exercise and meditation (similar to Yoga, at least, that's how I understood it).  The Falun Gong or Falun Dafa.  The book talks about how the Communist party basically outlawed Falun Gong because they had so many adherents that it gave them some serious power in the country.  Lots of accounts of police brutality.  Lots of peaceful protests.

I was on a long car drive with my roommate (She's from Jiangxi Province, China) and I asked her if she knew anything about the religion.

She responds with "Oh yeah, they're crazy.  The government had to outlaw them because they kill themselves in public... They're like Muslim extremists or something."

I was shocked.  The book had said NOTHING about that. From what she was saying the religion was like some evil cult that encouraged it's members to suicide.


Anyways, it was jarring.  Cognitive Dissonance to the max.  Could probably write something about propaganda, or Communism, or government blah blah blah.. but I've been feeling dizzy and awful all day so I'm gonna skip it.

Here's a song:

Words are not Enough

The American media chooses to focus on trivialities, (not limited to, but certainly including, a dead lion named Cecil).  However, ultimately I do blame myself for not being more informed. 


Anyways.  A couple days ago I read this article on ISIS and sex-trafficking (TW: sexual assault).

Isis Enshrines a Theology of Rape


Awful doesn't cover it.  It is so absolutely f**ked up that sex, this beautiful, wonderful thing, can be corrupted and used as a tool of destruction and hate.  SICK SICK SICK.


Some of this is being combated by a man named Steve Maman, who is buying these women (and in some cases, children) from ISIS to give them back their lives.

Read that story here:  A Canadian Businessman Inspired by Oskar Schindler Is Buying Back Christians and Yazidis Captured by Islamic State .


I don't donate anything. Ever.  I am always too worried about corrupt charities, and ultimately I always decide its better to just give nothing.  That has to change.  I believe in this man.  I have to donate to his cause.  Please consider supporting him as well.

http://www.gofundme.com/liberationCYCI

There must be something in the water

will write this week.