merrrg.

I keep thinking that graduating from college is going to give me this insane freedom... but what if I just become stagnant, working all the time and pining away for my far-flung boyfriend?

I can't let that happen.

A good website for when you're worried about the kind of person you might become in the future is futureme.org .  It lets you send yourself emails in the future.. sort of like a time capsule.  I have a backlog of about 30 emails that are going to start arriving to me soon.  PUMPED. When I was a kid I stuck little notes to myself everywhere, and I would find them at strange times.  Really, I'm still that little kid, sticking crumpled papers into bottles and burying them in the garden.

Send yourself something you fear you might forget..

-Amy

Also this song makes me want to dance, but I'm sick so I can't really.

ramblerambleramblehappy

I've worked my butt off.  Now I'm in the homestretch... about to graduate, about to finally finally travel and dance with no obligations and no classes! badaBING.

BLARGHHHHH I'M GONNA DANCE SO HARD!

And then in December on to India where my boyfriend is!

And then I don't know what!


NO MORE COLLEGE!

working when I need the money! dancing when I have the money! traveling when I can save up enough to go somewhere where the people like to dance! because let's face it, the only people in fargo who can dance worth anything are the foreigners!

!!

This is why you should have a horrible time in high school.  Karma gives you nice things later. Or you learn how to snatch nice things DIRECTLY OUT OF THE AIR.


--
I am happy today because I finished a presentation that I was stressed about, which basically means graduation is right around the corner, and I don't have many assignments left anymore.  And someone interviewed me about the TEFLplus course in Thailand, which pulled up some happy memories.  :D

exclamation point

ARGHHGHGH planning out my trip to New York! I've always wanted to go and I'm finally FINALLY doing it! I found places to go salsa dancing Monday-Thursday, and then on Friday.... we on to Europe!

I'm getting so freaking excited.  I can't wait to graduate and get on to the business of traveling.  I feel bad that I'll probably never have a "real" job.  I'll just keep my CNA job probably.  They let me take a month off whenever I want (two months in this case), so I can't complain.  It's a messy job.  But it lets me travel.

This Mexican restaurant called Iguana in NYC has free salsa lessons Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday... I'm so pumped.

Here is music:

windsound

Carnivore

you were a vegetarian for
love. two years since the
last drunken kiss.

now my past is the monster under
our bed, kicking the mattress,
fur matted with blood, eyes
rolling with neglect.

I tell you:
the thumps are windsound,
harmless and temporary.

it is difficult to imagine you meeting
this almost-friend,
inviting him to sit near the
fireplace,
coffee/cream/sugar.

much easier to see you
tightlipped and shaking
quietly walking

away.

---
am I too melodramatic.

and anyways he's friends with all my monsters or at least knows about them so this isn't accurate at all. mh.

spoken

tryna get together some spoken word for my Creative Writing class. I hate speaking in front of people.  My voice is manly and shaky. I hate how I sound.  anyways here's an excerpt.

the windows are shut.

what is an ending?
spilled milk, broken cage,
something sharp and blood covered

the answer to whether you can remember the yellow house and forget the ashes
or dress yourself in charred lampshade indefinitely.

I woke up to watch you drink directly from the sun and now
I am begging you to run away with me.

scatter yourself into dandelion chunks, drift somewhere
heatsoaked

winter was a mutual drowning,
 where the wailing claw of reality
has left a crust on the rim of every champagne glass.

This was an expensive year for both of us.
the future stumbles indoors and cannot recognize his own brilliance
the past gave us teeth and
when he comes knocking,
prepare to bite down.

Hard.

worst place to meet people: The OB

This dude at the club tried to put his arm around my waist.

I moved away a little bit.

He tried again.

I pushed him away and said "BACK OFF."

Then he started walking away and said, "you're ugly anyways." so I laughed all nasty in his face. HA HA HA (think santa claus, but different vowels).

He was so short I towered over him, which made the situation intensely comical.  Then ten minutes later he got thrown out of the place for fighting.  heh.

Arrogant dudes will never be hot to me. Not ever ever ever.

NDSU life

Had a dance party and sooo many Koreans came... Got some awesome new Korean and Serbian music.  EVERYONE DANCED.  As one random dude said:  "Why are all these people SO GOOD at dancing??"

Well I don't know why.  What a night.  

been browsing dance vids all day instead of cleaning or doing my homework.  Which brings me to Megan Batoon.  She is majestic.  Not sure if I wanna do her or be her, but if I had to read the signs I'd say I was about 84 percent lesbian for this AMAZING dancer.

meragh

0-1

here is a clamored aviary
filled with children too young to
sound human.

a child-owl keens,
too-early wise with anticipation of
lifelong suffering

here flails a many-colored
screech-of-a bird,
angry from wings-lack,
furious at his inability to
fly.

a harsh-throated pigeon stares down
the gaping maw of dependence,

quiet-feathered with the sharp
pain of
helplessness

--
been taking salsa lessons.  He's gonna give me half off ($25 instead of $50 !)  because I love dancing so much.  I wanna go to South America.  I think of it as the dancing capital of the world.  Except it's ... huge.  So the dancing region of the world. whatever.    This is my eighth day in a row of work. preparing myself for a MASSIVE paycheck in 1.5 weeks.  I'm so done with school.  I want to graduate.   the end.

A song!

sun of truth

Words, even if they come from the soul, hide the soul,
as fog rising off the sea covers the sea,
the coast, the fish, the pearls.

It is noble work to build coherent philosophical discourses,
but they do block out the sun of truth.

See God's qualities as an ocean.
This world is foam on the purity of that.
Brush it away and look through the alphabet to essence,
as you do the hair covering your beloved's eyes.

Here is the mystery:
This intricate, astonishing world is proof
of God's presence even as it covers the beauty.

One flake from the wall of a gold mine
does not give much idea what it is like
when the sun shines down inside
and turns the air and the workers golden.

-Word Fog, Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi

new birds

This makes me so happy-sad.   beautiful.

“She says she’s been going out with him now for about two and a half years, but they don’t live together so he’d never find out. And you think about chasing her about school when you were wee and lying in your bed and listening to love songs and pretending they were about you. And the first time you asked her out she said no but one night you went to a wedding and when you came back to the pub she’d changed her mind and you went out. You remember the way she swung her arms when she held your hand but you can’t remember how she kissed and now you’ve got the chance to find out.

But you have to remember there’s this other kiss. And she’s sitting at home, wondering where you are and what you’re doing. And you work hard on this kiss and you know it inside out, it’s as much yours as it is hers, and it took a long time to get right, it took months of practice and months of embarassment but now you’ve got it perfected and you’ve been looking forward to that kiss all week.

You can see her breath in the air between your faces as you stand in the leaves and she just asks you straight out if you want to come and stay at her flat. But you make sure you get separate taxis and you go home and there might be a slight regret and maybe you’ll wonder what you missed but you have to remember the kiss that you worked so hard on - and you’ll know you’ve done the right thing.”

the contest of madness

you have done well
in the contest of madness.
you were brave in that war
you have all the honourable wounds
of one who has tried to find love
where the beautiful bird
does not drink

may i speak to you
like we are close and
locked away together?
once i found a stray kitten
and i used to soak my fingers
in warm milk,
it came to think i was five mothers
on one hand

traveler
why not rest your tired body?
lean back and close your eyes.

come morning
i will kneel by your side and feed you.
i will so gently
spread open your mouth
and let you taste something of my
mind and life

surely
there is something wrong
with your ideas of the
beloved
if you think
the beloved would not be so
tender


–Hafiz

I think I'm gonna go the courthouse route for getting married in the U.S.  He wants a huge Indian wedding though, which I am completely cool with since I don't have to organize it or pay for it.  And more dancing.

Was gonna post something different, but Beyonce is the queen after all.  And I'm crazy in love right now.

Long distance relationships suck.  I mean, of course I wish he was here.  But then again...

I'd rather be dating him across 7,196 miles than dating anyone else here.

Couchsurfing + good music

So far I've found two people to couchsurf with, one in NYC, and one in Copehagen (Denmark).  They both seem like cool people.  Hopefully my boyfriend is cool with me staying with random dudes.. They both have a ton of references so I feel safe.

Couchsurfing.org is a website where you can either host travelers... or just stay with random strangers as you travel the world.  I only contact the ones who have hosted many times before.  My brother used to host people a lot, and they were always really cool

Anyways I was feeling quite drained and bored with life but now I remember that I'm gonna be all over Europe this summer and I don't feel so bad.  Even though my boyfriend left for India this morning and I won't see him till December. meh.

Also I keep having odd dreams about Tomorrowland.

Guess I'll be going to India this December, assuming our relationship can survive till then.

Tips for True Love

   2.  Find someone who is good at apologizing.

   1.  Be someone who is good at apologizing.

accomplishments and bemoanments

This weekend I:

• worked 8 hours
• wrote 2 papers
• wrote 3 poems
• went to church (that's where I wrote the poems so two birds/one stone I guess)
• did my laundry
• PUT AWAY MY LAUNDRY
• cooked a huge pot of soup
• cleaned my room, took out garbage
• blew off a few people who wanted to hang out with me
• skyped with my boyfriend
• browsed the internet again and again and again.

I look so much more productive on paper.  I feel like all I did was stare at my computer.    I need to not be addicted to the interwebs.  I need to hang out with people instead of canceling on them, Friday night I did nothing at all except skype with him. I'm becoming a boring person or sad maybe.  It's a small sad though.  It pales in comparison to my dark times of the past, so I don't really count it.

Nostalgia: I miss the beach.

can't do it alone

I love this song.

How do you know if something is a mistake, or an actual character flaw that is really gonna Eff up your entire future with someone?

Time.

spine

Romance

know your enemies

dedicate songs to them,
dance the last number with
jealousy, a slow waltz,
low murmured headrush

lean against
the doorframe,
touch selfishness briefly on the mouth

take anxiety home and
leave quietly at dawn before he
traces your spine and pulls you

closer


---
as always I find myself finally able to write when I attend church.  very odd.  I like this one though :)

mer

Writer's Block is the most satisfying beast to kill in the whole world I think.  A lot less species would be endangered if hunters would have only picked up a pen instead of a gun.

Happy Valentine's Day!  This is the first time I've made it this far with anyone and that makes me exceedingly joyous.

Writer’s Block

I am not broken
anymore

rainbows only bleed from
cracked glass, I am none of this

my creative beasts have chewed
their way out of me,
who will cook?

whose claws will mutilate printer paper
into soggy, squalling origami?

who will hold my head down, under the ink
watching the bubbles float up until I finally
thrash-up
gasping
?

my scars are almost gone
and
there is no ink in the larder

slowly

cleaning my house because the possible future grandmother of my babies is coming over Sunday... and.... I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER! An expensive one!  I hope it works well or I'll be sad.  This is something I've always wanted: a really nice vacuum cleaner.  I'm overly excited.

This is how I plan a eurotrip... by poorly drawing a map of Europe.

Boyfriend's mom is giving me advice on relationships and marriage so

I guess she likes me?

!!

wish me luck as my boyfriend's mom is coming here from India.

I had no idea there would be a family audition so fast... ayeeeee.  I gotta remember my formal Hindi so I can be respectful.


ARGHHH FAMILY AUDITIONNNN.

just convince me now

my head is all over the place.  This is helpful.

also, (perhaps even moreso)

 I'll be honest I'm only in college because I should be, i.e. for my parents, and for the rest of the family.  And because I have a large scholarship.

The experiences I've had I wouldn't trade for four years of traveling.  University has been a blast.  But I am so glad to finally be done and FREE.  Well in May.

I think once I get back from Europe I'll take a weekend off every month to go somewhere in the U.S. and do a dancing workshop, probably salsa.  I need to meet people who like to dance and travel, then I won't have to go solo so much.

I just want to dance, always.  I think that's all I'm going to do when I graduate (along with keeping the job at the old folks home).  I wish I could do it for a living.

dancedancedance

I really need to get skinny before Tomorrowland comes around.

Because... yes. I have tickets.

They are rich kid tickets though, not the tent ones for camping out :(  Which is sad because I'd rather camp than be around kids who got there with daddies money.  Oh well.  I can hang out with rich kids too.  At least it's 18 plus so there will be no babies there.

I worked hard for this.  I work all the time.  I don't care that I just blew a bunch of money... this is going to be so worth it.  I cannot wait to dance,    LKGORIJLKJGOWIJLKJWG.

Anyone out there traveling solo and want to hang out with me? Or traveling not solo?  

See You from the Dirt

The Caves or Dream

we hit the ground two years ago and

haven’t stopped crawling

since

defrocked butterflies, a teaspoon

away from drowning

in soil and rain

come lay beside me,

we will count the stars through

mud-stained eyelids

the air will bite at

our grateful collarbones

as if flight might still

take us somewhere dangerous

-------

I really love this one.

Another cure for writer's block: Get someone to drive you around and listen to NPR (National Public Radio) whilst holding onto a large notebook and pencil (pencil can be small or large, does not matter).

Also, this is a song:

sorry it's been a while

I freaking love these refrigerator word things.  I cooked at my friends place and spent half the time mesmerized by the power of magnetic art.  

 Very very good for writer's block. but kept getting frustrated because I couldn't find the words I wanted.

 

went to bed at 8 PM woke up at 2 AM, now can't sleep

part of me believes we won't make it past February.  I've never made it to Valentine's day with anyone, much less the altar.  I don't trust my judgement.  My brain relies on sleep-deprived emotions rather than rationality.

I am afraid of boredom.  I am afraid of a lack of communication.

I think I like doomed relationships better.  Like a prison sentence that you know will end next weekend so you can get comfortable with the free food and cable.

Beginnings are so pretty.

I'm bad as half of a dual substance.

genetics or you know. Other things.

Thanks to my Grandma, my Dad, and my Mom, I am now:

A clean freak

A cheapskate

Crazy.


And proud of all of it.

Now let's just hope I inherited some good relationship skills from my other set of grandparents.  Very soon this will be the longest relationship I have ever been in.  Which means from here on out I'm in uncharted waters.

I MADE THIS THING.  My friend saw it, and he's all "Oh you made rangoli."  Which I have never heard of before, but so be it!

People keep judging me for liking this song. I don't care about them.

Memory

I miss this guy.  I still remember the night we were all out dancing in the White Room, he told me I was like a daughter to him.  It probably occurred to me at some point that I'd never see him again after leaving Thailand.  For one month, we were classmates, we were friends.  It was a motorcycle accident.   Love you John.  The world is worse off without you.  Thank you for lending me pens.  Thanks for the laughs, the advice, thanks for being my Dad away from home.

 All the cigarette boxes in Thailand have these nasty pictures of rotting teeth and body parts.  He once told me "Well I can't stop smoking now can I?  I have to collect them all."