from always and forever to never again in less than a blink

“Don’t trust your choices, run when you get sore. Eager for the next chapter, still stuck in the one before. You could turn this city into a new town, as long as you find someone new to be around.”

-Micheal Larsen

I'm my own unfinished business

I’m overwhelmed and under-glazed
I’m making vases out of snakes
I’m a kiln half-full of mistakes
When kneading it, air’s overlooked
It’s gonna crack when it gets cooked
So self-forgiveness is the key
They’re re-sculpting my sanity
Mindfulness, humility
And taking time to care for me

-The Uncluded

gold-painted lemons

Please put your shoes on and step into that warm weather.

Go get yourself a more better forever.

Gotta put it down, you gotta leave it,

And don't ever come back again; You gotta mean it.

Just tear it all apart and build new,

Cause' if you don't kill him he's gonna kill you.

You can't hold hands when they make fists,

And I ain't the first to say this but,

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

Let me be the last to say, you won't be okay.

Let me be the last to say, please don't stay.

-Slug

Limbo

went to Phi Phi this weekend.  The island culture is so laid back and chill.  The Thai natives are awesome, (I taught a fire-dancer how to swing-dance!) The beaches are cinematic... all white sand and turquoise water. I wish I had pictures to show you, but I'm going back next weekend and won't be so stupid as to leave my camera at home this time. I heard this song there, and kept screaming at my Spanish friend to tell me the lyrics,  somehow I still managed to find it despite only writing down "caliente" and "calor".

I haven't done my lesson plan for today, but I'm not teaching till the afternoon so I'll just work on it during other people's teaching sessions and during my prep session and lunch break. :/ cutting it close...

Notoriety

“That is the simple secret of happiness. Whatever you are doing, don’t let past move your mind; don’t let future disturb you. Because the past is no more, and the future is not yet. To live in the memories, to live in the imagination, is to live in the non-existential. And when you are living in the non-existential, you are missing that which is existential. Naturally you will be miserable, because you will miss your whole life.”
-Osho


--------------
I got into a dance-off with a Thai native. Then it started raining like crazy and we were the only two people in the street, (much less dancing) while everyone huddled around in bars trying to stay dry... Then my Colombian friend came out to dance with us (she's dipping me, here)

One by one, more people joined us, till it was this crazy rain-dance party. Amazing.

“forgive them. forgive yourself.
.
it was never love
.
love doesn’t cripple. it doesn’t taunt or torture the tongue. love doesn’t have you bent at the waist but forgetting to pray. bleeding like an oak tree. it doesn’t have you sleeping with the lights on, or hiding from any surface clear and shiny enough to see yourself in.
.
it was never love darling.
.
i am sorry"

— najma-idil
_____________

After a while, being alone in a foreign country gets exhausting.  I feel like I need someone I can trust in close proximity to me.  I wonder if it's the same for men... obviously the world just isn't as dangerous for them.  Why would they need anyone "safe" around them?

After hanging out with my Desi friends I kept accidentally speaking Hindi to everyone.  They say I speak it like I've been living in India for five years but eh.. think I'm gonna have to call b.s. on that.  Mostly because I understand about 3% or less when Indians speak Hindi.

zoo

her voice is cream over
coffee, made unbitter
carefully palatable
eyes, twin snake-bites
the most unfortunate of
harsh beauties

do not touch
do not feed

her teeth are the greediness
of bear traps,
she is lonely enough
to never let go.

I met someone who is so much like someone I used to know, that in essence I feel like I've met the same person again.

Now I feel like I get a second chance to  not fail at this friendship.

Have You Ever Been to Heaven at Night?

This is the first time in a very long time that I am able to say I am living in the here and now.  I've been so hung up on my past, on the people who think poorly of me, the mistakes I've made... I spent a good chunk of my life constantly reassuring myself that "eventually" I will be happy, satisfied, and start traveling.

Even in Korea, there was an undercurrent in my head "Thailand Thailand Thailand it will be better in Thailand".

 I'm here. I mean, mentally.  I'm exactly where I should be.  The past seems so far away, detritus washing up on a whole other continent.

I have class every weekday, and then I go out with my classmates at night.  All together we are from 8 different countries (possibly nine, now I'm losing track).  It's only the third day of class and I'm already starting to feel really comfortable with these people.

I'll probably never live on the beach for a month again. So it begins.

pourquoi tu gâches ta vie?

When I am in Fargo, my stomping-ground, I am more than ready to take on any problem that life might throw at me.  I can think it through, develop a plan of attack, then execute it.

Here, in Thailand, where I don't know anyone, I am pretty much a flustered wreck.  I couldn't find my airport pick-up, so I just went with some random taxi driver, and I didn't have any small bills so I paid him WAYY too much, and instead of giving me change he just went "hee-hee!" and put my money away delightedly.

Later he asked for a tip, to which I said, "nuh-uh I gave you way too much already," thereby making myself look like a complete jerk of an American to my guesthouse manager.

Well. I'm here, I guess that's the main thing.  I think this will be good for me, as long as I don't get lost. I should also probably write my address in Thai and keep that with me.

I want to go out and dance tonight SO BAD but I'm by myself... and... I have class tomorrow. Better not.

if you wanna listen to the French version it's called "Elle ma dit"

tonight's the night, amirite?

Welcome to Seoul, South Korea.  Where everybody drinks and few to none dance.  Basically the antithesis of who I am as a person.

 I have never seen a country  more in need of ecstasy tablets.  When someone DOES make an effort to bust it I am inclined to yell WOOOOOH like the obnoxious American that I am and start applauding them vigorously.

How can you not dance when the bass is so loud your veins get confused?  Most of the club-goers move about the same as I do on a crowded subway when my headphones are serving me up something particularly rousing.  A bob of the head.  A bit of foot-tapping.

I hope Thailand has less shy people.

I can't imagine it could possibly have more.

Ghost limbs

So tell me why we're talking when we dance so good?
And I know you can't stay but I wish you would.

It's always you. Remember when you turned me down and I was so so so mad, because anyone that dances with me that way can't throw me an "I have a girlfriend" so casual-apologetic.

I still wanna know why you were so happy to see me half a year later.  I still wonder why we were never really friends.  You seem like someone who I would want to be friends with.  Regardless of whatever other women are in the picture, we should have been friends.

things I like number 34: sentence fragments

Just read the second Bridge Jones Diary book, and have become paranoid that I too will end up in jail in Thailand because someone planted cocaine on me.   Must stay away from guys named Jed.  Also, mushrooms.

I must be in the mood for mindless entertainment because helloooooo Clueless, the bimbo beach blonde ninety's classic! Something to braindead myself with.

Although.  I already feel braindead so perhaps this isn't needed.

I haven't been able to write anything aesthetically pleasing in a long time.  Worries me.  I worry about my creativivity beasts like I assume I'd worry about my children.  They may have wandered off and gotten killed or eaten.  Or maybe they will just be lost for an indefinite amount of time.  Time for desperate measures.  After all, you can notify the police after 24 hours.  They've been gone for weeks.


I AM IN KOREA WHY CAN'T I WRITE PRETTY THINGS.  I'd settle for ugly things.

Made this on the flight here.  Wrong kind of beast.  But nice.

.

"cry out into the darkness the sermon that doesn’t cease.  You cannot be abandoned, you can only be released."

-d.b.

I will make MYSELF a sandwich in the glorious kitchen of "I don't need no man"

A Facts Sheet:  Aggressively Single
Alternative Title: why I won't date you.

In High School I:

• had a job as a Certified Nurses Assistant
• did my own laundry
• bought my own clothes
• did my own taxes

When I started college, I received no financial help from my parents.  I still don't.  Also, my family doesn't really do presents.  Gum, sometimes. Or when my brother made me Indian street vendor food for my birthday.

THUS

When it comes time to win my heart, you cannot do so by spending money on me.  I will become paranoid that you are trying to force me to become dependent on you so that I can't leave, addicted to the things that you buy for me.

I do not intend to relinquish my independence, not for a very long time.  Men that try to do things for me freak me out.

If I'm being honest, men with money in general freak me out.

I like being single.  I like traveling, and being able to do whatever I want without "checking in" with someone all the time.  

I mean, come on, I'm freaking YOUNG.  Still almost a year away from even being twenty-two, not to mention my passport doesn't expire for almost a decade.    

Accept that I want to belong to myself. 

Sorry for the rant. Actually, not sorry. That's what blogs are for.

also here is a good song.  

Cold

“if you deserve
honey
mine will flow from my arms to yours
no effort, no asking.
but, if there is none
and
you feel wind instead,
know
that my spirit already
knows that
when you see sweetness
you
begin harvesting blades in your hands.”

-nayyirah waheed  (kindness is a form of intelligence)

escape often has nothing to do with geography

"No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”
-Alice Sebold

(but regardless I've been thanking the ones who have tried since the day I clawed my way out)

Korail

The thing about old people on the subway is I'm never going to not smile at them.  And when this adorable Korean gramma is falling asleep beside me and keeps adjusting herself so she won't fall into me, I just want to put my arm around her and tell her everything will be okay.

But the only useful phrase I know in Korean is "I don't speak Korean" and besides I have a feeling this might be a somewhat impolite thing to do.
---------------------------------------
This is the view from my apartment :

I'm double-posting on here and my tumblr. Oh well.

All Right

I swear Seoul, South Korea is the safest place on the entire planet.  Where else can you walk through an alleyway in a miniskirt at 4 AM and receive ZERO catcalls?  I've gotten catcalls in Fargo wearing nothing more revealing than jeans and a t-shirt.

Kinda destroys your whole "her clothes were provoking him" argument.  There appears to be no rape culture here. It's very freaking relaxing.

What isn't very relaxing is feeling like I always have to be dressed like a fashionable human being.  I can no longer dress like a complete slob.  I felt way too out of place today on the subway.   Then again, I also feel much too fat to dress like the average woman here...  Tomorrow I'm going to the rich people district (The one Psy sang about in Gangnam Style).

This song is the most relaxing thing I've ever heard, and that's about enough hyperbole for the day. Goodnight.

soul

I am in Seoul, South Korea! Just ate some octopus with my old roommate and her mom! I am so tired.

 gorgeous sunrise when I was about to fly out

I need some white out to fix this... but it's a gift for my host here.  I made it the night before I flew out and finished it on the flights today. (or yesterday with the time change.)

-------------------------

Make no mistake I intend to kill the past with the bright sword of the here and now.  It has become very clear that I am the only priest capable of exorcising that bitter-hearted demon.

When considering alcohol, I look to Jesus

There are so few people who have ever seen me drink, (it's sort of my "thing," sobriety) but some nights with that cheap five dollar wine, I do.  Sometimes there are people worth getting dizzy for.  I believe that.  I wonder if any women were allowed to drink with Jesus.

My head feels heavy enough to let me fall asleep effortlessly.  In less than thirty hours I'll be on an airplane.

good good good.  Cooked some awesome quinoa burgers with beautiful people.  Fun fact: Yellowtail Moscato is only 5 dollars a bottle and it is FLAT OUT DELICIOUS.   Hence why I am not completely sober right now.


good thoughts, all over the place, goodnight.

all limbs and love, absurd

you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

-Warsan Shire

In less than three days I'll be in Seoul Korea, with one of my favorite ladies on this planet...

I spent my afternoon biting back obscenities if you must know.

President Obama: makes a joke about killing the Jonas Brothers with drones.

Here's a nice quote too:

"TBIJ reports that from June 2004 through mid-September 2012, available data indicate that drone strikes killed 2,562 - 3,325 people in Pakistan, of whom 474 - 881 were civilians, including 176 children. TBIJ reports that these strikes also injured an additional 1,228 - 1,362 individuals," according to the Stanford/NYU study.

Based on interviews with witnesses, victims and experts, the report accuses the CIA of "double-striking" a target, moments after the initial hit, thereby killing first responders.

Read the whole article Here.

This is why I voted Ron Paul.  This is why when I travel abroad this summer, I refuse to wear the camouflage National Guard backpack my dad offered to me for a carry-on.  The word America is no longer beautiful the way I believed it was when my kindergarten class faced the flag with "I pledge allegiance..."  I am not proud of our government.  I am not proud of what we are doing to other countries.

Yes, "we".  The American public who elected this monster a second time...

I haven't been into politics since "that thing which happened" (read: personal issues).  Man.  I forgot how much anger I used to carry to this.  I've been sitting at home listening to music and looking at random nonsense for the past year and a half.  I nearly forgot about our crappy government.

Midnight Run

THIS SONG

There are people who find the the truth boring.

Me,  I caught honesty like an addiction to the rarest of drugs.  I've been frequenting alleyways looking for a fellow junkie since my first night doing lines of sincerity with you in the back corner when we were still strangers.  Clear eyes, clean hearts.  The crash back into reality, to deceitfulness and calculated smiles nearly killed me.

I've been living in the withdrawals.

----

I like drug metaphors but I don't know that much about drugs so (cliches).  oh well.

Rain mixed with sunrise.

Here's the thing about gossip and why I don't like it. It's like I was out dancing in the rain for three hours and you're telling everyone I broke into the pool to swim when (let's get real here) I haven't been near a public swimming facility in years. I'm ashamed that misplaced verbosity can make me feel anything, even anger.

Even if I could separate out the ruthless from the ones who just don't care, I'd still be left wondering whether there was any fundamental difference between the two.

It's raining and I wish I was outside wandering the streets of Fargo for an unbiased shoulder to rant to instead of sitting on the kitchen floor trying to write things.


----

oh mannn tonight killed my writer's block. good.  I don't care about pain and betrayal if it gives me something to pour into the ink.

good.

(wrote this at 5-6 AM but forgot to post it so posting it now)

doing it right.

Friday night means dancing.  Can't be mad about Fargo's sub-par dancing scene because in Iran dancing is illegal.  You gotta lock your doors for that business.

I no longer believe in spontaneous combustion. You want your world on fire, gotta strike that match yourself.  This is the summer of gasoline.

also this video. IS. my favorite. that is all.

it's not too late, we have the rest of our lives

The places we escape to
eventually become
the places we escape
from

you told me
I will be the same person
wherever I go,
my soul caged up
in the same body
regardless of
which constellations light up my
eyes

clipped wings
still
dreaming of

flight

and here it is.  When “thank you” trips over “I’m sorry”, I think I finally learned the concept of trust, but it seems to be too late.  I want to beg you to forget the last 3 hours.  I don’t know anything.  I know too much.  I wish I could get back some naivety, something to make me less scared of missteps.  To be able to say “I didn't know” and mean it, and have that be a good enough excuse.  A pat on the head and a dismissal to the treehouse.  please stop pretending I am an adult.

I want you to know that I appreciate your efforts to make it all better for me.

There is one person on this entire planet that I'm not "cool" with.  I wish I could change that.   All the time, all the time, all the time.  I hate to see him.    The most stressful thing in my life.  Why can't we just be chill?

Scratch that, Where is my apology.

Then, maybe.  We could be chill.

I am unhappy tonight.  Shadows.

yeh.

Conversation at work with an old man

Him:  How old do you think I am?
Me: I don't know... 25?
Him: (laughs)  I'm ninety eight
Me: WOW, well then you're doing pretty good!
Him:  Yup, my wife and I have been married for sixty-nine years.
Me:  ... how old do you think I am?
Him:  (stares me up and down) Twenties?
Me:  Yup I'm 21.
Him:  So you're not married hmm?
Me: Heck no.  I call that 'The Trap'
Him:  (laughs delightedly)


---------

so decided to take a 2 AM trip to Detroit Lakes with  my friend... but ten minutes out of Fargo he says, "hey have you ever been to Buffalo State Park?"  and I was thinking the stars would  be amazing so I begged him to take me there instead.

And I was right, the stars were phenomenal to the point where I could not stop smiling.  The weather was perfect.  No wind, very few mosquitoes, and warm enough with the blanket I brought.  Glad I didn't just go to bed like I had intended.
---
“In fact, I am aware of the fake entities in my life.
I know that I can clear
them if I wanted to in a moment …
But all this hollowness needs my sincerity.”

-Rumi

Communion

Refusing to dance is like a bird refusing to fly.  Never understood why you feel the need to pretend you are a penguin instead of a falcon, but this is Respect Your Feet 101 and tonight you are going to realize why the word “move” was invented in the first place.  Don’t let your wings regress to shoulderblades, dormancy (from the Latin root dormire, meaning to sleep) is the one thing you must never accept from yourself. Wake up.  Lose sleep, lose your inhibitions, but never lose your rhythm.  All horizontal surfaces are renamed dance floors until further notice.   I swear I fall half in love every time the bass kicks in.

The dance floor is my temple, the DJ is my priest, and this?

This is my altar call so don’t make me beg you.

Bust it.

----

Wanna be my chammak challo?  

I was dancing some Bhangra moves downtown (at a club that does not play Hindi music, I might add) last night, and some random dude says to my back, "Zumba!"

I turn around and say, "naw man.. Indians!"

I realize now that he was probably confused.   hashtag don't care. hashtag dancing completely sober.  hashtag born drunk so have no need for alcohol.